steve1840

i have been making progress and it is effecting our relationship. i think she understands that i will not send money and as a result the calls have lessened to a trickle. we have not had a real conversation in at least a month. every call was to ask for money. she texted asking for money sunday early evening. i said no and that i was with friends driving back home and could call back in two hours. she wanted me to ask the driver to stop at a cvs so i could send money. this one she may have admitted was for something to help her with her methadone withdraws. but i said no. then i git a text saying that we are not working out and that she needs someone who can help her anytime and who loves her that way. i said good luck. we agreed to talk later that night. she called at 4am but i didnt answer. i listened to the message the next day. it was about her needing to come back to our state this week, that she couldn't live there any more. monday i get a call for money. i said no. we agreed to talk that night. nothing. tuesday i called after the earthquake seeing how much it was felt there, was a quick call then nothing the rest of the day.

i am not posting this for any other reason than having a place to vent and process. it is clear that she is off in her world again. the difference is this time i am entrenched in mine and won't be pulled back. easier said than done. i am hanging in there though. it is just that the reality is setting in that we are really going in different directions. i can get hung up on the stuff about me caring, but i now look at it as- if she cared, she would be calling me. she tried pulling that i have not gone to see her and its almost been three months since she left, but i said, first i didnt have the money then once i did, she started using again. i have to keep myself from that old way of thinking that i could have had something to do with her using. i know i didnt.

i think the other thing is that it is hard to accept that after all, i mean so little to her now. sunday she texts how intensely she misses me, but doesnt call for 3 days now? other things must be on the agenda. it is sad. i cant feel that i did anything wrong in this situation. i play me as much as she does!
i can give myself guilt that she moved hundreds of miles away and i never visited, but from all accounts she was high, so why would i visit. also, i have too many of hte love addict qualities to work on. i guess too i have the fear that comes with the no contact, wondering whats happening and all, but again i dont let that consume me at all.

lastly, i feel nothing. i feel indifferent. i am not used to that. as i keep moving forward with my life, i guess there is still a part of me that has not come to terms with the final cut.