still moving forward

Old 08-24-2011, 01:46 PM
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still moving forward

i have been making progress and it is effecting our relationship. i think she understands that i will not send money and as a result the calls have lessened to a trickle. we have not had a real conversation in at least a month. every call was to ask for money. she texted asking for money sunday early evening. i said no and that i was with friends driving back home and could call back in two hours. she wanted me to ask the driver to stop at a cvs so i could send money. this one she may have admitted was for something to help her with her methadone withdraws. but i said no. then i git a text saying that we are not working out and that she needs someone who can help her anytime and who loves her that way. i said good luck. we agreed to talk later that night. she called at 4am but i didnt answer. i listened to the message the next day. it was about her needing to come back to our state this week, that she couldn't live there any more. monday i get a call for money. i said no. we agreed to talk that night. nothing. tuesday i called after the earthquake seeing how much it was felt there, was a quick call then nothing the rest of the day.

i am not posting this for any other reason than having a place to vent and process. it is clear that she is off in her world again. the difference is this time i am entrenched in mine and won't be pulled back. easier said than done. i am hanging in there though. it is just that the reality is setting in that we are really going in different directions. i can get hung up on the stuff about me caring, but i now look at it as- if she cared, she would be calling me. she tried pulling that i have not gone to see her and its almost been three months since she left, but i said, first i didnt have the money then once i did, she started using again. i have to keep myself from that old way of thinking that i could have had something to do with her using. i know i didnt.

i think the other thing is that it is hard to accept that after all, i mean so little to her now. sunday she texts how intensely she misses me, but doesnt call for 3 days now? other things must be on the agenda. it is sad. i cant feel that i did anything wrong in this situation. i play me as much as she does!
i can give myself guilt that she moved hundreds of miles away and i never visited, but from all accounts she was high, so why would i visit. also, i have too many of hte love addict qualities to work on. i guess too i have the fear that comes with the no contact, wondering whats happening and all, but again i dont let that consume me at all.

lastly, i feel nothing. i feel indifferent. i am not used to that. as i keep moving forward with my life, i guess there is still a part of me that has not come to terms with the final cut.
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Old 08-24-2011, 02:18 PM
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I think eventually you'll come to resent her for playing you for so long. Using you as a door mat day in and day out.

I went through something similar with my OWN daughter until I didn't answer the phone any more and she was not allowed to live in my home any more. She called from jail one day. I hung up on her, just said you got yourself there, then deal with it.

Once I learned to set boundaries more and more, she saw she couldn't drag me into her wants and needs and vortex of stress and bad choices.

Things seem to be improving now and I hope they keep on!

Same for you Steve.!
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Old 08-25-2011, 07:23 AM
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Good for you Steve! Take it one day at a time.
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Old 08-25-2011, 07:47 AM
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Originally Posted by steve1840 View Post
lastly, i feel nothing. i feel indifferent. i am not used to that. as i keep moving forward with my life, i guess there is still a part of me that has not come to terms with the final cut.
Steve,

I've been feeling the same way lately. I feel less with each passing day. For the past few weeks, it feels like I've been on a roller coaster - up at one moment and down the very next. So I've been detaching more and more, and today I feel like a zombie. Like I'm just going through the motions, and at times it really hurts, but I have to protect myself and so do you.

You are doing exactly what you need to do in order to protect your heart. And although it hurts at times, it is better for both of you. Don't feel guilty about not going to see her when she's high - if you would have gone, it would have hurt much worse than it does being away from her. And not sending her money is a good decision on your part - if you don't send her money, you aren't enabling her.

I'm really glad to see that you are following through on the boundaries you have set. You are really making a lot of progress (wish I could say the same about myself). Just stay focused on YOU and everything will fall into place. One day at a time.

If you want to vent a little more, send me a message. I love hearing from you!
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Old 08-25-2011, 02:12 PM
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i dont know how much progress i am making, but something does feel different. i do fear that i could fall at any time. i know exactly that feeling of being a zombie going through the motions. yesterday i felt a bit that way. but it has taken me over a year and for HER to move for me to get this far. i really haven't done much other than ride it out. i feel sad though that someone gives up their life again so soon and i really feel sad when i think that she may be a lifer. everything now is day by day. last night i got a text that she'd call today, but i'm not sure if i'll take the call or not.

hang in there yourself too
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Old 08-25-2011, 04:51 PM
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I've had the feelings of indifference in the past too. Not with my RAH but with another addict. He was in jail and when he was getting ready to be released, I just started feeling very anxious and stressed. He wasn't even out and I was not looking forward to seeing him or going through the same bullsh*t again. So, I checked out emotionally. I definitely think it's a defense mechanism and it's very helpful. Wish it had an On and Off switch we could use at will!!!

Hang in there. Sounds like you're moving right along in your own recovery. It will get better.
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