Most of the things I did are not the sort I could "clean up". Destruction. Not a little mess to pick up or sweep up, but the sort of damage that can't be undone.
The only thing I can say honestly say is that I didn't realize at the time how much damage I was doing, that does NOT exonerate me, but I did NOT do it out of malice. Desperation, ignorance, cowardice, terror, yes, all those things in spades, but I did not intentionally mess up everything and everyone, if I had seen how insane I was sooner, I would like to think I'd have addressed it sooner.
I would also like to think that somehow, the Universe takes the crap I left behind and uses it to fertilize something, take my destruction and helps something else grow.