Vent away Alone22!! I have no experience with a spouse in recovery so I don't have any ESH to offer on that. What I can say about ME though is that when I find myself wishing my AH would just admit he's an alcoholic... I have a movie that plays in my head. My vision on how the whole thing will play out. "AH's Recovery" as written and directed by GettingBy! HA! Sounds funny when I actually admit it that I play that movie in my head... but I do it. I do it for a lot of things in life actually... because that's MY disease. My need to have life be on my terms. I feel like I'm a football coach... preparing for a big game. And in my head is my "playbook"... all of my, "if he does this, I'll do this... and then this, or maybe that!" I will have all of my "moves/plays" planned out so that I can have the outcome that I want!! (Sober husband in recovery!!! YEAH!! GettingBy WINS!!!)
But alas, what if the outcome is not a sober husband in recovery? What if the outcome is an alcoholic husband who struggles with not drinking, doesn't really accept he's an alcoholic and needs recovery? Ah, so much of MY life is focused on HIM and his drinking, and my need to get him sober. When I do that, I lose focus on me, and I make my happiness conditioned on what he does or doesn't do.
I worried about family events - weddings, funerals, birthdays, etc - I wanted to have a good time... oh, but what if he drinks?!?! ACK!! I was so focused on what the *right* combination of events would be so that he wouldn't drink and I could relax and have fun... but what happened? I could never relax, and never have fun... because he usually drank, because he's an alcoholic. And even if he didn't drink, I was so focused on my movie... and how I perceived things should go, that I missed living in the moment.
My movies... are my undoing. They rob me of peace, serenity, and today. I too hate addiction. I hate what it has done to me. I can be an out of control lunatic when I lose focus. I see it more now - and am getting better at stopping it before I completely spin out. But those movies in my head... they are TOUGH. Those expectations... I have lots of work to go.
Thanks for sharing this. I have been spending a tremendous amount of time on the "Gettingby convinces AH he needs Recovery!" movie lately... and I didn't realize it until I read your thread.
-Shannon