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This is rehab? Not what I was thinking....

Old 08-18-2011, 08:14 AM
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This is rehab? Not what I was thinking....

I am trying to remember what I can and can't control, what is and is not my business, but this morning I am finding it rather difficult.

RAH started rehab on Monday (positive step in the right direction). He determined he wanted a 30 days out patient intensive program. We discussed him doing in patient as well, but it was not what he wanted. Insurance is not coving one penny as they will only approve the less intensive out patient 3 hours a day first, and then if he fails they would move on to what he has now. Difference in cost is HUGE. If we do what insurance wants to do we pay no additional cost even if he ends up in patient. He thinks the 3 hours a day is not intensive enough, but admits he knows nothing about it. BUT not my business right? This is his recovery not mine. I can only tell him what is being told to me and then hands off.

When we spoke with the center before he started we were told he would be there from 8-8 7 days a week. He would be doing everything just like in patient but sleeping there. Reality is he is home by 5:30 (sometimes goes back for a night meeting, and in 3 days he did it only once). He tells me this morning that they said he could go ahead and take the weekends off since they don't do much on the weekends anyway. It is more family and leisure time. WTF, really? He was also told day one if he didn't want to come on the weekends he could just put the days on the end of this treatment (thus extending it). Then I also heard him say that it is all based on hours and since it is really only a 6 hour program but he stays longer usually 8-5, he would be completing the right amount of hours anyway without the need to go on weekends or extent his care. Not my business, right? I just get to watch our savings drop. Lucky me.

So this morning he brings up my brother's wedding, which is next weekend in another state. When he first talked about going to rehab he was upset that he wouldn't be able to go (of course he could go on his fishing trip and start rehab after that). He asks me if he should talk to his counselor about if he should go and then proceeds to tell me he has mixed feelings about going. He could stay home and work on his stuff and meet with his sponsor (this is about the time he told me about not going to rehab on the weekends). I said sure, talk to them and let me know. I also looked up the cost of flying him in for the wedding and gave him that information, along with my thoughts on not going on weekends should drop the cost down and perhaps that needs to be looked into also.

this is me as I sit here.... and I keep telling myself I can only control me and this is his business not mine. The little voice inside is telling me something just doesn't add up, but I also know I am cynical and non trusting to the point that it clouds my judgment. I feel stuck... knowing right now is not the time for any decisions, right now I just have to live with what is and wait to see what will be....and he comes home pretty happy (heck he is not working for 30 days) and it seems like a mini vacation more than intensive rehab! I remind myself I am not there and I have no idea what it is like, maybe it is just him feeling relief that he is taking such a huge step forward? Don't get me wrong, I like how he is acting toward me, but it feels like Mr. Charming is back and in the past that is step one in our circle of problems. None of this is what I thought would happen. Yes I know what I expected is part of the issue, expectations cause problems. But really, I was thinking he would be gone a lot, would be pretty worn out from having to really dive into all the emotional stuff in his head, that rehab would be what he lived and breathed for the next 30 days. Was it wrong of me to think that?

I hate addiction... I hate what it has done to ME! I need to regroup and put my focus back on me...

Thanks for letting me vent!
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Old 08-18-2011, 09:39 AM
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Vent away Alone22!! I have no experience with a spouse in recovery so I don't have any ESH to offer on that. What I can say about ME though is that when I find myself wishing my AH would just admit he's an alcoholic... I have a movie that plays in my head. My vision on how the whole thing will play out. "AH's Recovery" as written and directed by GettingBy! HA! Sounds funny when I actually admit it that I play that movie in my head... but I do it. I do it for a lot of things in life actually... because that's MY disease. My need to have life be on my terms. I feel like I'm a football coach... preparing for a big game. And in my head is my "playbook"... all of my, "if he does this, I'll do this... and then this, or maybe that!" I will have all of my "moves/plays" planned out so that I can have the outcome that I want!! (Sober husband in recovery!!! YEAH!! GettingBy WINS!!!)

But alas, what if the outcome is not a sober husband in recovery? What if the outcome is an alcoholic husband who struggles with not drinking, doesn't really accept he's an alcoholic and needs recovery? Ah, so much of MY life is focused on HIM and his drinking, and my need to get him sober. When I do that, I lose focus on me, and I make my happiness conditioned on what he does or doesn't do.

I worried about family events - weddings, funerals, birthdays, etc - I wanted to have a good time... oh, but what if he drinks?!?! ACK!! I was so focused on what the *right* combination of events would be so that he wouldn't drink and I could relax and have fun... but what happened? I could never relax, and never have fun... because he usually drank, because he's an alcoholic. And even if he didn't drink, I was so focused on my movie... and how I perceived things should go, that I missed living in the moment.

My movies... are my undoing. They rob me of peace, serenity, and today. I too hate addiction. I hate what it has done to me. I can be an out of control lunatic when I lose focus. I see it more now - and am getting better at stopping it before I completely spin out. But those movies in my head... they are TOUGH. Those expectations... I have lots of work to go.

Thanks for sharing this. I have been spending a tremendous amount of time on the "Gettingby convinces AH he needs Recovery!" movie lately... and I didn't realize it until I read your thread.

-Shannon
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Old 08-18-2011, 10:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Alone22 View Post
This is his recovery not mine....... I keep telling myself I can only control me and this is his business not mine........
I hate addiction... I hate what it has done to ME! I need to regroup and put my focus back on me...

Thanks for letting me vent!
So just putting in the important things that you said from your post, that I feel I found was helpful to me and took awhile for me to get it but I did. Most important "Focus back on you"
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Old 08-18-2011, 11:12 AM
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GB- yep I get the movies in your head. * 8 years ago when my AH finally admitted he was an A I thought life would play out very differently than it has. Heck I thought once they could see the issue it would be pretty easy to fix... just don't drink, right? HA! I have always tried to control just about everything in my life (typical codie here), but I thought I was doing really good at embracing the let go and let God idea. Right now I am just finding it hard to let go and let God when RAH comes home everyday (yes only 3 days) with his latest of why he doesn't have to go to rehab during certain times (ie nights and weekends when I'm sure he would rather be relaxing). Funny because when I called the center to find out what the policy was on being charged for days he didn't attend they seemed a bit taken back that he wasn't going to go on the weekend.... and I quote " you guys really should be here for the family time/ therapy" . Bottom line is I feel like I am being lied to and while I am sure my RAH is free to come and go on nights and weekends I highly doubt they are encouraging him to not be there. It would be one thing if this wasn't costing us so much money, but it is. Hard for me to just turn away from it and call it his business when it comes out of our bank account.

Anvilhead- honestly no I don't just want him out from underfoot for awhile. Since I have been going to Al-anon and detaching my life has become more manageable when he is around. I just want him to get healthy and I feel like in this very short amount of time he is already finding ways to limit the amount of time he spends at the center getting help. Just doesn't seem like a good sign to me. I have no idea how things are going while he is there, might be fantastic, I just want him to work the program and not short change himself. Make sense?
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Old 08-18-2011, 01:57 PM
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I hear ya on the not wanting to waste YOUR money. Is there someway to make it only HIS money?

Tough spot you're in. BUT, the fact of the matter is... your husband is an alcoholic. And the words coming out of his mouth... are those of an unrecovered alcoholic. You can't trust those words. You KNOW that. Looking for reason from an unreasonable source will only leave you frustrated.

He's just being himself and you are taking it personally.

It's time to get the focus back on you and what you want for YOU. That's it. Just for today... and more will be revealed. If the money being spent is what is bugging you... then figure out what you need to do to make it not bug you.
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Old 08-18-2011, 04:10 PM
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Regarding the rehab part, doesnt matter if he does out or in patient
It all cost money, gas, time off from work, etc...
But remember, none of it is a magic cure- Not for you or him!!
They will drink, when they want to drink

Mine checked himself into rehab for $10 grand & for 28 days
For the first 3 weeks that he got out of rehab, he ate, lived & slept AA
He called or texted everyone that he meet in rehab 24/7, and they did the same
Bugged the crap out of me, to say the least..."Oh, like it's okay to invite
that dude to our house, because you meet him in rehab and he only killed 3 people,
but oh yeah, I forgot he is sober now!!"...Ummm, Not for me!!!

Within the first 3 weeks, I was frustrated, angry, confussed, I WANTED THE CURE!
I guess I wanted to see some type of magical rainbow I dont know.
I know, I just wanted to see something different...

Well 8 months later, a divorce, he moves away, I see alot of things differently

After having dinner at the cafe a couple of times which is next door to the rehab center
and the AA class. The little old lady who owns the cafe, clued me in on a secret!!!
She expressed to me, how much she enjoyed having him eat there 2 nights a week.
She had no clue of what was going on. She was happy to have a paying customer.

He wasnt at class on Tuesdays or Thursdays, like he told me he was.
He was in there, eating dinner and having a good old time.
But guess, I will give him 10 extra points, he was always home at 9:15pm
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Old 08-18-2011, 06:43 PM
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My husband goes to group once a week right after work. At first, when working on my program was spotty, I doubted he was attending and suspected he was probably just passing time at a food court. Those nights I would have a big dinner ready when he got home. I would smile to myself and wonder how he was enjoying his second meal that evening. How petty! And how sad that I took such pleasure in my little ruse!

I still have no idea whether he actually goes and don't ask. Wouldn't trust the answer anyway. But I am no longer upset. It's his issue, not mine. I'm glad I have a stronger program now. (p.s. And now I just leave something in the fridge, if he wants it.)
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Old 08-18-2011, 08:00 PM
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Did you meet with anyone from the rehab place, or is everything just what your hubby is telling you?

Have you seen any literature from the rehab describing or outlining the program?
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Old 08-19-2011, 02:57 PM
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I think it's most definitely your business how joint funds are being spent on a rehab program, and what services your husband is actually getting for that expense. Have you seen in writing what his program entails? Yes, it's his issue and not yours to control, cure, etc but you still have to be smart.
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Old 08-19-2011, 04:34 PM
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Addicts lie so [email protected] much, it becomes second nature to them. In the beginning, with aexbf, I spent way too much time trying to figure out what was a lie, and, what was the truth. Finally, I said, screw it, until proved otherwise, consider it a lie, worked for me. The end result? 80% of what he said was indeed a bald face lie.

As for the money issue for outpatient rehab, if it is coming totally out of his money, and, he is still contributing to the household while in his rehab deal, fine, if not, to me, it is not fine.

An addict can and will destroy another financially, unless, bounderies are set and stuck to.

Yes, I agree, refocus on you, and, keep posting, it will help.
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Old 08-19-2011, 06:00 PM
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If it is also your moneyI would call and clarify all the issues you have questions about.

I was not financially invested, but my BIL called and asked a helluva lot of questions, including when he did not trust that RAH was telling the truth about being "done" after only 23 days of a 28 day program.

The answer from the center was pretty clear. They gage things from patient to patient, they said, and they are pretty well practiced in recognizing a fake recovery. They insisted that he had taken part, gained insight, learned, repented, whatever. They felt that he had gotten what was necessary and they were releasing him.


If he was faking it, he would have relapsed by now...But my RAH PUT HIMSELF IN> And so he was very invested in not wasting his own time.

It does not sound like a very intensive program, and I can really relate to your feelings of WTF...See what happens if you call and ask to speak to one of the counselors that work with him. If you had/do go to family night, you would meet them, anyway.

At least they can give you a gage about his progress. If you are not a name for consent to release info, as I was nnot, I DK what else to suggest.

But it would burn me up if the money was being dwindled and I had no info.
Maybe that is not very detachment 101 of me, but whatever. Its your savings!

Also, maybe consider to stop pushing at all on him coming to the wedding, and take the time for you?
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Old 08-21-2011, 08:55 AM
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alone 22- I am so sorry to hear what is happening. I know you had great hopes for him taking rehab seriously and while he may do so eventually, it sure does sound like already, after a few days he's gone from "I want this and will do it 100%" to coming up with excuses to leave early, not go, why he doesn't need it etc...

Reading your post reminds me of myself this winter. My AH was all gung ho about going to rehab this winter and then backed out in lieu of an intensive outpatient program. Within a week the intensive outpatient was no longer necessary in his estimation, nor were AA meetings etc...

I had pinned my hopes on his recovery and his wanting to get better and I lost my mind in a big way and was probably sicker than he was in some ways bc of how wrapped up I was in his recovery or lack thereof.

I wish I had something wise to say... All I can say now, in hindsight is that I wish when he'd started the game playing with recovery promises that I'd left and not looked back until I was ready to either accept that he wasn't going to change, or until he changed. What I did was stay, hoping that I would be able to not be distressed by his disease and that I could be okay no matter what he did even though I knew that wasn't true.

My heart goes out to you-- I'm thinking of you and keeping you close in my thoughts.
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Old 08-21-2011, 11:54 AM
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Well it has been an interesting week. RAH is very smart and it is hard for me to know if he is really doing the work (ie walking the walk) or if this is all still a big game of get the wife (and those at the center) to believe he is recovering. I had a discussion with the person who handles the business end of stuff for the center (the one who collect payment) and advised her of my thoughts. RAH come home and tells me his case worker talked to him about how he is very smart and so is his disease and even if he thinks he is doing good he still needs to be in rehab for the 30 days. It was agreed, because he is doing so well, that he could have weekends off, except family time on Saturday.

We went to family day yesterday (just us, not the kids). Part of me wanted to bolt out the door. I know that rehab is a wonderful place and many addicts get the help they need but as I sat and listened to them it was really hard to trust what any of them were saying. I really have become cynical. I am trying to open my heart and my mind and have a wait and see attitude. We also met with the counselor and had a very long discussion. Everyone was being nice until I brought up RAH behavior from the night before. RAH did a 180 and in my opinion showed the counselor part of what it is like to live with him. He once again brought up how him being like he is is my self fulfilling prophecy. Seriously?! I'm just glad he said it in front of the counselor. It really just feels like he wants to sweep all the problems we have had under the rug and wipe the slate clean...only I have emotional issues about how he treated me that I need to work through and he needs to be a part of that too. MC will have to be included in helping us to rebuild our relationship. Rehab is only the start, not the end and I think he needs to come to terms with that as well.

His case worker is going to also call me to talk about things. I am guessing that call will be sometime tomorrow.

It has only been a week so I really just need to see how things go from here.

A positive thing he did say was he was glad I went to Al-anon because that is what got in the way of his drinking/denial. I finally had the courage to change, and some tools on how to do it the right way. It gave me the ability to stop arguing with him, let him be with his disease, and let him feel the consequences of what it was doing to us.

Thanks to each of you for your support!
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Old 08-22-2011, 05:47 AM
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If the rehab people really are telling him what he's telling you - no it's not rehab. I went to two places like that. The counselors were so burnt out from dealing with court mandated patients who had no intention of quiting that they simply went through the motions and anyone could do anything as long as it didn't create problems.

Then I went to an inpatient program at a respected facility that deals with addiction and mental issues (depression, etc.). WOW what a difference. Once I got out I wasn't cured. I still struggled but after a year I was finally able quit for good. It took a while for everything I learned there to "take" but it fianlly did. I never got anything out of the burnt out counselors.

It were me, I would give an ultimatum - either do it right and get it right, or do the 3 hour and fail then the intensive and fail and then the inpatient (I ain't wasting money here Jack!), or (final choice) get your ass out of here and don't come back till you are squeaky clean. Your choice.
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