Ditto what the others have said here as far as living for today and one being too many and 100 not enough. I've been there, too. What struck me is the face banging its head into a wall... that IS how it feels, and sums it up. We beat ourselves up (against a wall) and then try it again. We have a disease that fools us into thinking we can have "just one." However, it VERY rarely turns out that way, as you know and/or are learning. Keep up the learning, for sure. Hopefully that doesn't mean you need to drink/drug more to find that out. What's worked for me is finding similar, safe people with whom I share a similar outlook and "spiritual" ideology. I can only share what's worked for me. Take care of yourself. Hope all goes well, one day at a time.