H2H - (((HUGS)))!
My AH does similar things. Is killing himself with alcohol, and is always depressed. It's the nature of the disease. Then he tries to put the guilt on me for everything that is wrong, and belittles me. It's not you, honey! You are, as most of us are or have been, sucked into your AH's disease.
But here's the good news... you don't have to continue to be.
Keep posting and reading here, go to AlAnon if you can, read books on the subject, seek counseling. These are all good, and healthy things for you to do for YOU.
As for me, I've been sucked into AH's disease so much it's killing ME through depression, low self esteem, etc. This affects my sons and my job and my friendships. Everything. And causes me not to take care of myself in terms of eating, exercising, sleeping right.
But slowly, or for some, quickly, we do things to help ourselves.
Do a little something for yourself today. Perhaps call a counselor, get your nails done, refuse to engage in his arguments... any little thing you do for you is a step toward your own recovery.
Chin up, my dear. You're in good company here, and there's tons of wisdom daily to help.
Hugs again,
Tigg