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Major faux-pas

Old 08-15-2011, 12:17 AM
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Major faux-pas

Tonight I did what every expert says not to do. I had a MAJOR fight with my AH. I asked him if drinking were worth throwing our relationship and our two sons away. He said that what I'm asking of him (to concentrate on sobriety again) was too much to ask for. So I said, while I was angry, that if we weren't worth fighting for that we may as well throw in the towel and get it over with. I also asked him if he understood that he was going to die if he didn't make changes sooner or later. He said that he wanted to die bur since he lost his job he doesnt have life insurance. I almost, but didn't say, "well don't let thar stop you. ". Thank goodness caught myself before that point.

Essentially I unleashed a year's worth of anger at him. And he...did not seem to care. He says he was sober during our fight bit I'm not convinced...

All this because he went into the kitchen and found more ants from our recent ant infestation, which of course was all my fault. He kept saying how he was the one that did all the cleaning, which was so not true. I just snapped. His perception is so off when he drinks and i was so sick of him playing the martyr. Besides since he's the one without the job, shouldn't he be the one who does do most of the cleaning?

So after all this he yelled at me some more about how this wasn't helping him not drink and I yelled at him to stop using that as an excuse because it was basically BS. We ended it with him saying how now he wouldn't be able to sleep, but guess who's the one that is up at 2 am with the raging headache and who is the one that's asleep?

I think I need major help. I looked into alanon meetings but none of the meetings are at a convenient location or time for me. I have two young kids and I've been Picking up extra classes to teach for extra money. Are online meetings worthwhile?
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Old 08-15-2011, 12:27 AM
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I have little children too but you need to find one that has babysitting. When I need immediate help with my recovery, I post on here...nothing can replace the kinship you will find at an Alanon meeting. I am separated from RAH right now but between this site, Alanon and select loved ones, I get stronger daily.
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Old 08-15-2011, 06:15 AM
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I have not done online meetings, but live in a fairly small community. When there are not Al-anon meetings available I go to open AA meetings to learn about the disease, the program etc (I have not gone with my loved one). I go to each program for different reasons.

My Al-Anon though it does not have babysitters do allow kids to come if that is any help. The readings from al-anon saved my butt when I first started.
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Old 08-15-2011, 08:42 AM
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Don't beat yourself up. Those were obviously things that needed to be said.

Al-Anon was mainly a place for me to feel normal, still is. I have long periods of time when work interferes with me getting to meetings, and during those times, this place is a lifesaver for me. Just knowing that there are other intelligent beings who are just as knee-deep in s**t as I am, that spouses of As aren't idiots (I was really hard on myself), and that you have the right -- even the responsibility -- to create a healthy home for yourself and your children even if that means leaving your spouse... those were life-saving lessons for me.

You've told him he needs to get sober if he wants to keep you and the children.
What's your next step?
Are you ready to follow up on your threat?
If you're not, all he has learned is that you don't really mean what you say...

(It took me 2-3 years to go from declaring my AH had to choose to leaving. That time, I spent learning about the disease and building my strength.)
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Old 08-15-2011, 08:57 AM
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Lillamy ~ at this point I'd like to try to work it out while I learn more. The thing is this morning I spoke to AH again and he kept saying how hopeless it was, how ge keeps trying and trying but he is never successful. He refuses to tell meow I can help. He refuses to talk to anyone, refuses to reach out. He keeps saying how he wishes he were dead and that he is upset in the morning because he wakes up. I don't know what to xo anymore.
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Old 08-15-2011, 09:17 AM
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Originally Posted by heres2hope View Post
Lillamy ~ at this point I'd like to try to work it out while I learn more. The thing is this morning I spoke to AH again and he kept saying how hopeless it was, how ge keeps trying and trying but he is never successful. He refuses to tell meow I can help. He refuses to talk to anyone, refuses to reach out. He keeps saying how he wishes he were dead and that he is upset in the morning because he wakes up. I don't know what to xo anymore.
If you don't know what to do - do nothing. That's doing something, too, ya know! ; )

What you describe is normal for addicts. They won't reach out for help until they are ready to deal with their addiction.

You can't "help" him. But you can support him seeking the help he needs from experts and/or professionals. Pick up a copy of the AA Big Book...the next time he says he's hopeless and wishes he were dead, give him the book and tell him "you may find what's missing in your life in this book".

And go to Al-Anon, no matter how inconvenient it may be for you. If you are going to stay in a relationship with this man, you need to learn some new tools in which to keep your sanity and peace.
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Old 08-15-2011, 09:26 AM
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H2h, here's another part of the equation.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. His drinking is his problem, there is nothing you can do about it. What you can control is how you choose to react to it. Al-Anon is the place to go to get those tools and the support you need to use them. You can learn how to be sane and happy again and to find the strength to make the decisions that are right for you.

Also, read Codependant No More. It will be an eye opener and give you a good starting point for healing.

Almost everyone of us here has been where you are so there is hope that you can get better and improve the quality of your life.

Your friend,
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Old 08-15-2011, 09:46 AM
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H2H - (((HUGS)))!

My AH does similar things. Is killing himself with alcohol, and is always depressed. It's the nature of the disease. Then he tries to put the guilt on me for everything that is wrong, and belittles me. It's not you, honey! You are, as most of us are or have been, sucked into your AH's disease.

But here's the good news... you don't have to continue to be.

Keep posting and reading here, go to AlAnon if you can, read books on the subject, seek counseling. These are all good, and healthy things for you to do for YOU.

As for me, I've been sucked into AH's disease so much it's killing ME through depression, low self esteem, etc. This affects my sons and my job and my friendships. Everything. And causes me not to take care of myself in terms of eating, exercising, sleeping right.

But slowly, or for some, quickly, we do things to help ourselves.

Do a little something for yourself today. Perhaps call a counselor, get your nails done, refuse to engage in his arguments... any little thing you do for you is a step toward your own recovery.

Chin up, my dear. You're in good company here, and there's tons of wisdom daily to help.

Hugs again,
Tigg
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Old 08-15-2011, 04:24 PM
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Yikes! It seems like I'm making mistakes left and right. He just headed down the stairs and said ,"I'm going to the liquor store. I give up.". I ran down the steps and asked him to not go. I asked him to let me help him and that we'll take it a day at a time. He came back but said that this was his only way of blowing off steam. I said , "let's find different ways of doing that.". He snorted and said that I was thinking it was too easy.

I know all the Codie stuff days that I shouldn't ask him to stop but what should I do? He announced everything in front of our kids. Do I just let him go? Im sure that he'll just find some other time to sneak out.
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:01 PM
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Do I just let him go? Im sure that he'll just find some other time to sneak out.
You have NO CONTROL. You CANNOT HELP HIM.

The sooner he drinks himself into oblivion and is out of your home the sooner he MAY find recovery.

All you are doing is

frustrating him
giving him 'excuses' to drink
not allowing him to feel the CONSEQUENCES of his actions (this can be having to leave the house for good, or you and the kids leaving and leaving him to his misery.

You CANNOT help him.

Only he will decide if and when he wants recovery. All the 'talking' in the world will not do him one damn bit of good and will only frustrate him more.

Please find some Alanon meetings or get a therapist or counselor that specializes in addictions and get yourself the HELP you so desperately want to give to him. Your children need one serene, peaceful role model.

J M H O based on my personal experiences of 30+ years in continuous recovery from alcohol and drugs and 27+ years in recovery from my codependent issues (yes some still crop up once in a while, lol)

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:03 PM
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You can't do a thing. So don't.

When I was at my most desperate (and I haven't even told my counselor this), and AXH told me he was drinking because I never wanted to have sex (he was drunk off his a$$ most of the time and incapable anyway) I told him that I'd give him daily blowjobs if he quit drinking.

He chose drinking.
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:20 PM
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Please consider getting some help. If you really want to, you can get to meetings or go to therapy. To me, you still believe that he is the only sick one in this relationship, trust me, I am a card carrying codie and I was as sick, if not sicker, than my addicted exbf.

Your children will be the true victims in this situation, a childs brain center for fight and flight and flee response are fully functional at birth. Translated that means that a baby is capable of having a full blown trauma response. Children store sensory memories without reason, or understanding intergrated into it. Your older child hears and see everything, although he may not vocalize his distress. You are fooling yourself if you believe he/she is not affected by this toxic enviorment.

You hold the power to stop this madness, if not for you, do it for your children.
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Old 08-16-2011, 05:44 AM
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Laurie you were right. It took him about an hour or two to announce that he was going out--mane to the liquor store, maybe to a bar. I let him go and called a friend of mine who suggested that we go out to dinner with her and another friend.

I was positive he would come home but he's been gone all night. I'm pretty sure he's at a friends house. There house is empty since they are on vacation and my husband is walking their dogs. But I don't know for sure. This is the first time he's stayed away all night and I'm torn between sadness, terror and a bit of relief. Icant believe that this has all progressed so fast (not the disease) but fighting and leaving. It's only been about three weeks since his got his job offer fell through and it's been downhill ever since. I am just heartbroken right now.
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Old 08-16-2011, 06:57 PM
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Originally Posted by heres2hope View Post
I think I need major help. I looked into alanon meetings but none of the meetings are at a convenient location or time for me. I have two young kids and I've been Picking up extra classes to teach for extra money. Are online meetings worthwhile?
How painful does your life have to be before it becomes convenient?

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Old 08-17-2011, 12:25 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
You can't do a thing. So don't.

When I was at my most desperate (and I haven't even told my counselor this), and AXH told me he was drinking because I never wanted to have sex (he was drunk off his a$$ most of the time and incapable anyway) I told him that I'd give him daily blowjobs if he quit drinking.

He chose drinking.
:rotfxko

I thought of making similar offers, but decided the consequences were just too overwhelming!

It was far more liberating to just back the heck off and stop trying to control my RAH.
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