I am a f***ing mess. I don't want to go back to AA because I truly felt unwelcome for the 2 months I was going. THe longest time I've been sober in the past 2 years was for 10 days....then i convinced myself that I didn't have a problem and started drinking again, and simultaneously lying to my sponsor about not drinking. Yesterday I spent all morning drinking, then went over to my boyfriend's house. He called me out on smelling like alcohol, I lied and told him that it was from earlier that day at a pool party I had gone to. I don't even know what I'm talking about right now, I'm just typing so I dont' have to think about what an ass I made of myself, and so I don't run down the street to the liquor store.
My biggest problem is the idea of NEVER drinking again.....surely I'll be able to do so normally like everyone else I know, right? Right. I went to AA for the first time 6 months ago after a particularly embarrassing incident with an ex boyfriend, and me running down the halls of my apartment complex totally naked and not remembering a damn thing. Initially I liked it, I even got a sponsor, went to a meeting a day for 2 straight weeks, etc. The thing is I never really bought it......and I don't like my sponsor. She means well, but for the love of god is she annoying. Maybe i'm just annoyed b/c she seems so happy, and she doesn't drink. Which I don't get.
Anyway, today i realized that I don't want to feel like I did this morning ever again. However, how do i deal with missing the "high" i get from alcohol, when it doesn't result in my 70 year old neighbor seeing me naked?
I'm sorry to ramble, I just do'nt know what to do anymore. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know how not to drink. Bleh. Thanks for cyber-listening.
