sickk&tired

I am a f***ing mess. I don't want to go back to AA because I truly felt unwelcome for the 2 months I was going. THe longest time I've been sober in the past 2 years was for 10 days....then i convinced myself that I didn't have a problem and started drinking again, and simultaneously lying to my sponsor about not drinking. Yesterday I spent all morning drinking, then went over to my boyfriend's house. He called me out on smelling like alcohol, I lied and told him that it was from earlier that day at a pool party I had gone to. I don't even know what I'm talking about right now, I'm just typing so I dont' have to think about what an ass I made of myself, and so I don't run down the street to the liquor store.

My biggest problem is the idea of NEVER drinking again.....surely I'll be able to do so normally like everyone else I know, right? Right. I went to AA for the first time 6 months ago after a particularly embarrassing incident with an ex boyfriend, and me running down the halls of my apartment complex totally naked and not remembering a damn thing. Initially I liked it, I even got a sponsor, went to a meeting a day for 2 straight weeks, etc. The thing is I never really bought it......and I don't like my sponsor. She means well, but for the love of god is she annoying. Maybe i'm just annoyed b/c she seems so happy, and she doesn't drink. Which I don't get.

Anyway, today i realized that I don't want to feel like I did this morning ever again. However, how do i deal with missing the "high" i get from alcohol, when it doesn't result in my 70 year old neighbor seeing me naked?

I'm sorry to ramble, I just do'nt know what to do anymore. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know how not to drink. Bleh. Thanks for cyber-listening.

1Marty

Hello! For me the thought of never drinking again is too much also. Thats where the 1 day at a time saying comes in. We just have to worry about not drinking today, and not worry about tomorrow yet.

best

Welcome to SR

Seems like your sponsor knows that answer.

What is it you are sick and tired of and what is it you didn't like about AA?

Those answers when found may help people better in pointing you in the right direction.

bikewench

Hey gurl..

A warm welcome to Sober Recovery...

Sounds like your just beginning to realize how insidious addiction is.

What use to pi$$ me off to no end was that eventually.. no matter what I used... nothing would shut that voice up. That need. The urge to use... didn't matter what.

We all have our own bottoms... and I couldn't even contemplate not using until I did hit. And then I was ready to do anything...

I wholeheartedly second what Marty is saying about us not using for just this 24 hours. For me.. that was something achievable. But.. looking into the future was nothing but fear and hopelessness.

I've been in the program for 16 years... and there's been more than a few times I was ready to throw in the program towel cause I was annoyed or unhappy with this or that... but you know what? It was just my attitude that was making me see things in such a negative light. It was my addict... trying to get me to use again by lying to me...


Keep coming back Sick&tired...

KelKel

Welcome to Sober recovery
Glad you found this place, alot of super people around here.
Just like Marty & Bikewench said already, for me I can only do this thing one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time.
I can't get caught up in my past horrors or worry about what tommorow might bring, I only have right now, and one day at a time I save my life from being taken by my addiction to alcohol. I know without a doubt that if I fall into drink again I die.
Hang out here, read, share your feelings.
Just be here, right now, fight the urge to drink and we will take it from there in the morning, one bit at a time

2Sunshine

Sickandtired,

1st I would like to change your name, this may be an imposition, but I would like to.
I am just going to try something on for size, how about "Feelingbetter"?

Help is on the way, you hold on and look for it to come.

((((((((((((((((coming your way))))))))))))))

kckman

sick&tired, I can so relate. I am so sick&tired of chasing after the illusion that my addiction shows to me. My addict likes to tell me drinkup its a good day , a bad day, tired from workin, on a pleasant holliday. It doesnt really matter it just wants me to drink. Got a bad Hang over. Have a drink there you go. Over and over and over and over. I am so sick&tired of that game.

I dont believe the illusion it presents any more. I have been knocked on my ass way too many times chasing after that illusion. These people are so wise. listen to them as you make your way from the bondage of addiction. You have the power in you to abstain a day at a time. Give yourself some time away from drinking and you will discover other interest. developing them will make you much more happy then drinking ever will. You got to give your self the time first.

wingsfree

Hi S&T, welcome to soberrecovery. Guess what, all of us are sick and tired of it too. I don't have much to say, you've already gotten the best advice here from some wonderful people.

It's 3:30am for me now, I'm on day 3 and still feel so awful, and I'm doing what everyone says here, one day at a time, you have to stay in the day, can't be thinking ahead or backwards.
Wish this was easy, for some strange reason it's just not. So you keep drinking, you will be constantly sick and do things you'd not normally do, or you STOP and learn to live life on it's terms, and find that happiness your sponser has, that's what I want too S&T, this insanity really needs to stop.

Wishing you all the luck in finding peace in this, you know it can be done, just think of the freedom of it, grab on to it plus the strength you have within yourself, like so many others are doing.

kckman, I love what you've said, amen to your post, thanks again.

Chy

Hi and welcome!
There are many options to recovery. You just get through one day at a time, and don't look beyond! I bugged thinking about FOREVER as well. I had to let that idea go, it was making me miserable. If it ends up being forever so be it, in the meantime, I work hard on healing myself by staying very active with work, family, and program. Staying busy really helped me, you'll find a great deal of support here! Keep coming back!

Anna

Hi Sick and Tired,

I, too got bogged down in the 'surely not forever' scenario. Just don't let your mind go there. Focus on today and leave it at that.

Love, Anna

lulu70

Hello, sickandtired. Welcome to SR. I am truly sorry you are having such a hard time. My name is Laura and I am a gratefully recovering alkie/pothead with six precious months clean and sober. I could not get sober, however, until I became SO sick and tired of the life I was leading that I was able to completely surrender and be willing to do anything I had to do to stay sober. I also had to realize that what I thought I needed was not working. Life is much better now, for I have given up the fight--the fight with myself, that is. I go to AA, listen to my sponsor, take her suggestions (even if I don't agree with her), work the steps, and take it one day at a time. So far, it is working for me. If it is not working for me, I usually find it is because I am trying to control things too much--I want what I want and I want it now!!

Best of luck to you--keep posting. This is a wonderful site with wonderful people and is a great addition to a solid program of recovery.

Hang in there!!

sickk&tired

Thank you all for your posts. I was trying last night to log on again and let you know I was reading everything you wrote, but my computer wouldn't let me sign in for some reason. Having the mentality that I have, I almost used it as an excuse......like,
"this is just another sign that the world is against me". I got so f-ing frustrated and angry at this website (silly, I know) but I didn't drink. Hooray for small victories I guess.

You all seem so wise......all I can do is promise myself that I'll log onto here often, especially when i have the urge to drink. Because honestly, I don't like the AA meetings in my area. Trust me, I've been to dozens, and the people just....I dont' know, aren't as open as I thought they'd be. I know they mean well and I got all the phoen numbers and stuff, but the few times I did call people it seemed so forced, and to be honest didn't help.

I've got "Living Sober" in my purse and keep referring to it, just so I don't drink for this next 10 minutes. Its been 24 hours that I've been sober, i'm still going through some withdrawals (nasty headache, incredible mood swings, anxiety......) but I know I want to stay sober. I cannot go back to that cycle of drinking enough to pass out....then waking up with a hang over and curing it with more drinks, to pass out again.....does this sound familiar to anyone? I once spent 3 straight days holed up in my apt drinking.

My biggest thing is really focusing on staying away from the first drink. Because its so true that once I have that first shot of vodka, the next one seems logical, and 10 shots later I'm passed out. Once I even double deadbolted the door to my apartment during my drinking episode, knowing that I'd black out and worried that I'd go outside. I woke up a few hours later and the door was ajar...god knows what I did. Ew, writing that out makes me so sad for myself.

How do you guys do it? How do you live with the CONSTANT craving, the knowing you shouldn't drink but having it so easily accessible? I'm going camping this weekend with my boyfriend and his friends, who will definitely be drinking. I've already told him I plan not to (i used the whoel I'm-on-antibiotics-and I can't drink excuse) and I really really really don't want to give in to temptation. How do you deal with a situation like that in the first few days of recovery?

Sorry this was so long and in such random order. I'm just typing out everything thats running through my mind. Again I can't thank you enough for your replies. Know whats interesting? After reading the post by "best", I got really angry. I read it as condescending and mean......"best", i know thats not how you meant it and I stilll don't know why I reacted the way I did. I was really offended, while at the same time knowing I shouldn't be.

Ugh. This sucks majorly. But at least i'm not experiencing the vertigo I was going through yesterday. Thank you for reading if you got all the way to the bottom of this. I'm apologizing for any spelling errors =).

sickk&tired

Also, I had a huge issue with the whole "higher power" extravaganza........I lost faith in religion (raised Catholic) when I lost my mom, then my brother, then a friend who I met in AA who commited suicide. Its hard for me to keep focused when I start to hear "just look to your higher power and........etc etc etc". I don't mean to offend anyone, I admire and respect other's faith in a higher power, i just don't have one myself. Thats all.

Anna

The way to deal with it is to keep challenging the cravings like you are. That's the only way that they ease up and they do go away.

As far as alcohol being accesible - I don't keep any alcohol in my house, ever. Most of the time I'd be fine with it, but I know there are some nights, in the wee, dark hours, that I'd be too tempted. And, I don't go to very many situations where there is alcohol anymore. It's just not part of my life. It's a choice I make, because it makes things much easier for me.

When you're camping why don't you just bring some Coke along and let it go at that. You don't owe anyone (except possibly your boyfriend) an explanation.

Hang around and stay strong. You can make it through this and I'm glad you're feeling better.

Love, Anna

sickk&tired

Thank you Anna. I'll be getting hopped up on Red Bull this weekend. And most likely a lot of chocolate.

NoMoBeer

....a necessity for me in early sobriety. As healthy as I try to eat, my body craves sugar (b/c of all the high sugar content in alcohol), so hey -- I can give in to THAT craving!

As for the camping thing, if it were ME, I would have to not go. I have been in and out of AA for the past year, and I have learned many things, one of which is that I know my disease plays tricks on me in these situations. It will tell me I don't have this disease, and that I can drink like others.... I can't. So for right now, this early in recovery, I couldn't attend a whole weekend if alcohol is around.

Higher Power -- well, that comes easy to some, and not so easy to others. I would read the chapter on agnostics in the Big Book, and know that this is a personal thing -- no need to conform to anyone's perception but your own ("as we understand him"). Work with a sponsor and "keep coming back."

All the best to you ....


Ken

sickk&tired

Thanks for your post Ken. I love reading all of the things you guys have to say. I'm currently on an upswing, thanks in part to the giant snickers bar I just ate .

I am so grateful for this site right now I could cry.

bikewench

Hey gurl..

Been there...
Phoning does zip for me... unless it's with someone I'm already good friends with.

I go to meetings to hear the stories... the experience, strength and hope. For one thing... it helps me identify area's where I am still insane... ;o) ... and it gives me a face to face with what my disease looks like on newcomers and those that are in the hell of relapse.

I've gone to meetings for a stretch where I walk out and wonder why I wasted my time... but you know what? Just going to a meeting is an action of surrender to me... an acknowledgement that I am powerless over some things in my life.

Of course... when my addict's driving my bus... I gotta go where she wants to go... ;o)


As far as a higher power for you... what's wrong with the power of this forum being your HP? Hmmm? Is this not a power greater than yourself??? Can you not feel part of yourself surrender when you come here? When you write?

I don't know about you... but my will is dis-eased. It doesn't know what's good for me... lol
It only wants to feel pleasure... endlessly.
Of course... my diseased will conveniently disregards the fact that most of my using stopped working for me a looooong time ago as far as giving me pleasure... now it only commands me to use endlessly in that fruitless search for the initial pleasure of that first few drinks... or drugs... or food... or fags...

My addict also makes sure I stay in my disease by making myself feel like sh*t with negative, judgmental, insane thinking.


Yeah.. we are... (I'm kidding)
Actually.. we've all stood right where you are now... and we'll stand right beside you till you get wise as well.. ;o)

Keep coming back ... okay?

lulu70

Amen, sister. I was a binge drinker for the most part, but toward the end my drinking went on ALL WEEKEND LONG! Had I continued drinking, I am sure I would soon have been drinking everyday.

As it is with all of us. I have thought about drinking MANY times in the past six months. Most of the time I get over it by remembering the feeling I would get as soon as I had that first drink. It was an absolutely insatiable urge to drink more and more. And I NEVER felt like I had enough. I could not understand how people could go out, have 5 or 6 drinks, and say, "No, I don't want anymore. I am already drunk." I just did not get it.


I can totally relate to this as well. How about waking up naked with some strange guy in your bed and having no idea who he was. Been there, done that.

Honestly, the craving is no longer constant and, like others, I do not allow alcohol to be easily accessible to me. None in my house, and I stay the f*ck away from situations where there will be drinking.

I know its not what you want to hear, but I would not go under any circumstance.

AA is not about religion, it is about spirituality. Religion is man-made, spirituality comes from within.

What do you have faith in? Just a question.

I am very proud of you for posting more and making it this far. We are all here for you and we are in this together.

Hugs--

Sandy Marie

I think you guys said it all and I agree. Keep your chin up and take it one day at a time.
Hugs, Sandy