Congratulations on your 21 days!
Since your message implies that your wife is
not an alcoholic, I would say that she's got the same misconceptions most of us had - that once the alcoholic in our lives would just stop drinking, everything would be wonderful.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way, and it's quite a shock to realize this. There's a lot of sick habits that happen in an alcoholic relationship, some on the part of an alcoholic, and some on the part of the non-alcoholic.
Right now, without using alcohol as a coping mechanism, you're having to learn to deal with the world while sober. It's a difficult thing, and it takes quite a bit of work, so you're still "distracted" and "not all there" like she wants you to be, and believed you would be while sober.
If you work your program, you'll get there - but it takes a lot of work and dedication and time.
Meanwhile, her coping skills which helped her survive in the household of someone who was too often drunk no longer work. What she viewed as the problem has disappeared, but the problem itself still remains, and a large part of that problem are the unhealthy coping skills and behaviors that she learned.
Attending Al-Anon is helping me so much with my learned unhealthy behaviors. Not to mention, the fact that everyone else in the room is so willing to admit that they were also crazy makes it easier for me to admit that I was, too.
There's a lot of healing that needs to be done, for everyone involved. Al-Anon, therapy, and this forum have helped me so much. You could try suggesting she attend Al-Anon, to understand more of what's going on. There's a good chance she won't take your suggestion, though - depends upon how much your relationship with her has been damaged.
If you have a friend in your AA group who has a spouse (or friend or relative) who is strong in their recovery, she'd probably be more likely to listen to that spouse (or friend or relative).
The alcoholic in my life never sought true recovery.
I will say honestly though that there came a point where I didn't believe anything XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend) said, but I'd trust my life to one of the guys at work who was extremely active in AA and very open and approachable about anything I asked him. I already knew of him and trusted that he was a great person before I realized that XABF was an alcoholic. After I admitted XABF's problem to myself, I finally got up the courage to talk to this AA-person, and he's the one who told me about Al-Anon.
I owe him so much of my new-found sanity today, and I'm so grateful he is so open about his program. He was the
only person I trusted regarding the alcoholism, when I first started reaching out for help, and he pointed me in the right direction.
Just like your wife couldn't
make you stop drinking (this has to be for you, regardless of what she does, or it won't work),
you can't make
her seek recovery, either. You can let her know that there are resources available for her, though... Everyone knows of AA, even if they don't understand it, but I had never heard of Al-Anon a year ago.