Could my wife want me to go back to drinking?

Old 08-14-2011, 05:30 PM
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Could my wife want me to go back to drinking?

Hi All . . . I'm new to here. Thanks in advance for reading. Married 19 years. Wife started in about my drinking last fall (Oct/Nov 2010). I slowed down a lot in the following months. She nagged about AA, therapy, me getting help. We started MC. I began AA 3 weeks ago (tomorrow is 21 days) and it's been a huge help. I would have definitely been very drunk a number of times this weekend without it.

In the meantime, she keeps on raising 'discussions' with me. The other morning (from 2am - 3.30am) she accused me of being a misogimist (sp?) and disrespecting all women. This, objectively, is so completely untrue about me and I have lots to prove otherwise. There just seems to be a crisis of the hour that I feel is testing and testing me. She was the main reason I stopped drinking and she is the main reason I will RESUME drinking.

I wonder if she has checked out of the marriage and now that I'm doing what she asked, and I AM doing much better, if this is just complicating things for her.

Any thoughts??? Am I losing my mind (yet again)??? THanks - Stu
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Old 08-14-2011, 05:52 PM
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I do hear in meetings how it can be hard for some spouses when their partner does get sober and starts wanting to be the equal partner they were always meant to be. My AH may even say the same of me. But I am trying to heal myself and do the best I can. Is your wife going to meetings?
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Old 08-14-2011, 06:23 PM
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She really cant get you sober or get you drunk.
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Old 08-14-2011, 06:24 PM
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Hi,

In my experience, living with an alcoholic is very stressful, unfortunately, we codies can become as sick as the alcoholic, and, our emotions will jump all over the place at the drop of a hat.

Your recovery is not dependent on her, you can use her as an excuse to drink, but, that is pure fodder. She does not have the power to make you drink, yet you have the power to control you and not drink.

I would suggest that she attend Alanon meetings.

Congrats on your 21 days!
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Old 08-14-2011, 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Hi,

In my experience, living with an alcoholic is very stressful, unfortunately, we codies can become as sick as the alcoholic, and, our emotions will jump all over the place at the drop of a hat.

Your recovery is not dependent on her, you can use her as an excuse to drink, but, that is pure fodder. She does not have the power to make you drink, yet you have the power to control you and not drink.

I would suggest that she attend Alanon meetings.

Congrats on your 21 days!
Ditto! Al-Anon broke that habit of mine. Now my husband likes me much better!
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Old 08-14-2011, 06:39 PM
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I'm going to guess that your wife is angry over the years you were drinking and all the issues that arose in your marriage. Though you have 21 days sober, it's not enough time for her to forgive and let go. Your not drinking is not the only dysfunction in your marriage. She will need help to constructively face the anger she is feeling. Could you suggest that the two of you go to a counselor and let him/her help the two of you work on issues?

21 days is wonderful. Don't let your wife's anger help to derail you. With good counseling the two of you can have a stronger, healthier marriage. Just don't expect that all your problems are resolved just because you quit drinking. Your wife's anger is one evidence that there is work ahead for the two of you.
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Old 08-14-2011, 07:17 PM
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Congratulations on your 21 days!

Since your message implies that your wife is not an alcoholic, I would say that she's got the same misconceptions most of us had - that once the alcoholic in our lives would just stop drinking, everything would be wonderful.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way, and it's quite a shock to realize this. There's a lot of sick habits that happen in an alcoholic relationship, some on the part of an alcoholic, and some on the part of the non-alcoholic.

Right now, without using alcohol as a coping mechanism, you're having to learn to deal with the world while sober. It's a difficult thing, and it takes quite a bit of work, so you're still "distracted" and "not all there" like she wants you to be, and believed you would be while sober.
If you work your program, you'll get there - but it takes a lot of work and dedication and time.

Meanwhile, her coping skills which helped her survive in the household of someone who was too often drunk no longer work. What she viewed as the problem has disappeared, but the problem itself still remains, and a large part of that problem are the unhealthy coping skills and behaviors that she learned.
Attending Al-Anon is helping me so much with my learned unhealthy behaviors. Not to mention, the fact that everyone else in the room is so willing to admit that they were also crazy makes it easier for me to admit that I was, too.

There's a lot of healing that needs to be done, for everyone involved. Al-Anon, therapy, and this forum have helped me so much. You could try suggesting she attend Al-Anon, to understand more of what's going on. There's a good chance she won't take your suggestion, though - depends upon how much your relationship with her has been damaged.
If you have a friend in your AA group who has a spouse (or friend or relative) who is strong in their recovery, she'd probably be more likely to listen to that spouse (or friend or relative).

The alcoholic in my life never sought true recovery. I will say honestly though that there came a point where I didn't believe anything XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend) said, but I'd trust my life to one of the guys at work who was extremely active in AA and very open and approachable about anything I asked him. I already knew of him and trusted that he was a great person before I realized that XABF was an alcoholic. After I admitted XABF's problem to myself, I finally got up the courage to talk to this AA-person, and he's the one who told me about Al-Anon.
I owe him so much of my new-found sanity today, and I'm so grateful he is so open about his program. He was the only person I trusted regarding the alcoholism, when I first started reaching out for help, and he pointed me in the right direction.

Just like your wife couldn't make you stop drinking (this has to be for you, regardless of what she does, or it won't work), you can't make her seek recovery, either. You can let her know that there are resources available for her, though... Everyone knows of AA, even if they don't understand it, but I had never heard of Al-Anon a year ago.
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Old 08-14-2011, 07:53 PM
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Tuff,

A few weeks ago, I had an incident with my exabf, I shared it here on this forum. I, as always, rec'd support...yet, I needed more...so, I trotted my butt off to a meeting. I didn't share, I listened, I absorbed and when the meeting was over, I was at peace. I hadn't been to a meeting in over a year, the very best thing about the whole experiennce was that I was immediately welcomed and I know that I always will be.
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Old 08-14-2011, 08:02 PM
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It's all about trust. IMO that's what destroys a marriage where 1 partner is an alcoholic. Your wife needs 1 on 1 counselling with an addiction counsellor. Mention it to the marriage counsellor - I know that if my husband told me I needed help I'd freak but if I heard it from an objective third party I'd consider it.

Believe me your wife doesn't want you to go back to drinking. She's protecting herself. I realize you're going through a hard time and you feel your wife should be supporting you - she needs to see it to believe it. I've been let down so many times that I don't believe it anymore. If he does it great but I don't count on that and I don't need that. He needs that.
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Old 08-14-2011, 09:46 PM
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After reading your post I have a couple of things to say;

1. You might really want to join the New Comers Section on this site. It is for the alcoholics and you might learn more about yourself over there.

This side might work for you too, who knows. On this side, we are the ones who have lived/survived living with alcoholics and sometimes we just dont understand why alcoholics drink, we may understand the pain your wife is feeling. We may understand what her so called "discussions" are all about.

Maybe your wife needs to log into this site and share with us what her "discussions"
are... And maybe if you talk to other alcoholics that might you more.

Each and everyone of us, must take the steps. You have 12 and so do we.

Marriage is one thing, but married to an alcoholic is another thing.

But you cant help her, if you cant help yourself first, and that rule applies to her
also..(hope you understand what Im trying to say)

Worrying about her, makes you stop worrying about yourself & your sobriety!!
That must come first...
Worry & Love in a marriage is kind of stickey anyways, let alone with being married
to an alcoholic.

I have never met a family, husband, or wife, that has shouted "WOOHOO, My Spouse is an alcoholic and we are in love and life is great"

Congrats! On your 21 days but dont blame her if you drink, unless she hog ties you down
and pours it down your thoart..It's your sobriety, not hers..

Congrats! On marriage counseling too! That is awesome! Hopefully your counselor
is educated in alcoholism.

Congrats! On taking the steps to finding a better life!! The Best Is Yet To Come!!!
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:59 AM
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WOW! Thank you all for all your comments. Each and every comment has some bit of wisdom that is helpful. I'll try to respond.

Yes, I understand that my recovery is just that MINE. I was in a meeting y'day where I talked about how selfish I feel putting ME and my recovery ahead of everything. But, if I don't - it's all for naught. I get this and I NEED to be reminded all the time. Thanks.

We are in MC. Not sure how much it's helping . . .she is seeing the same guy for IC - which I've read and heard, not the best thing. And I've raised this with her - it didn't go over so well.

I know she has to have time to heal (and will she ever really heal??). ANd I know she cannot make me drink (it was very tempting a NUMBER of times this past weekend - and I couldn't get anyone on the phone, but I made it).

I'm getting sober for me. ANd I hope that it helps her and my family too, but ultimately and primarily it's for me. If my marriage crumbles after I've been sober, at least I know I tried to fix that part.

There have been a few things that she's 'let out' over the past couple weeks - mostly about her behavior. And it occured to me what some of you have said or alluded to - that just because the drinking is done (and I know, 3 weeks does not make it 'done') doesn't make all the problems go away. Some of these problems are surfacing in the absence of my drinking and I think this is part of the problem.

She has been going to Alanon for the past 8-10 months. I'm realy not sure if this is helping. About 5 months in she told me she contributed to a meeting - it was the first time.

She told me this morning that she wished I would have one of my 'blowout anger rants' about what I'm thinking - she said at least then I would speak. But when I do bring something, she gets defensive and attacking. I really can't win that one! She also mentioned in MC that she would 'needle him, needle him, needle him' until he would talk. This was a relief to hear that at least I was taunted into my 'explosive anger'.

I asked her point blank if she wished I would drink again, she said yes. (BUT, I am not taking this as permission - but I did find it interesting).

I guess I know that there is a long path to go and I have to take care of myself, it's just hard.

Thanks for all the feedback and for listening.

I will check out the newcomers section . . . Stuart.
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Old 08-15-2011, 11:52 AM
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I'm sorry your wife wishes you were drinking again. Keep strong and don't let her comments encourage you off the better path you have chosen to travel. She has been hurt a lot in the past and she's got a lot to work through.

Each person must do their own part in recovering from alcoholism. What you can do is work the best program for yourself that you can. Don't worry so much about your wife as she must work her own program--you can't make her. She couldn't make you quit drinking, you can't make her work her program. We can only do our own individual part. Maybe in time with all the changes you make she will respond to those changes and change herself. Time will tell. Just focus on your part and if she joins you then all is well, but if she chooses not to do her part, at least you are doing yours. She will probably take anything you do early in recovery with a grain of salt anyway. She must have time to learn to trust you again. Keep on keeping on. The trust will grow over time.
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Old 08-15-2011, 04:34 PM
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There's been a lot of great responses made and I'll just add this:

As I read your posts I hear about your wife a LOT. What she's doing, your opinions about how well her T and her al anon attendance are working, what you think she thinks/wants...

I spent a LOT of time (including when I first came here and continuing for a while) focussing on my AH waaaaaay more than myself. I wanted to believe, much like I think many A's want to believe, that if he just changed, THEN I could be happy.

In the end, I changed. I stopped worrying about what he did, said, thought (well, not entirely--but I don't let it control my life anymore) and I try as best I can to focus squarely on me.

I would simply ask you to consider how much you are focussing on your wife and what perhaps you could be doing to focus on you in its place?

Congrats on the 3 weeks of sobriety.
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Old 08-16-2011, 03:56 AM
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Thanks KMangel and Wantobe for your posts.

I have been trying to focus on ME and my recovery. But, and I mentioned this to her this morning, we have a long history of 'scripts' or 'patterns' that we fall into (married 19 years - she'd probably say, "married too long"). And so, when she starts to talk about what's troubling her, upsetting her, etc, my script is to jump in and try to fix, explain, or get pissed off that she's accusing me of something. Similarly, if I talk about my feelings, her 'role' is to get controlling, get defensive, shift blame, etc. These are just really bad habits.

And I told her this morning when she comments/complained/shared about something, that I hoped that was something that someone from Alanon could help her with - because I was not able to.

I still feel bad inside, not being the one to jump up and help, but I know (in my mind, if not yet in my heart) that this is how it has to be (at least for today).

Day 22

Thank you all for listening and commenting. I welcome any other comments too!

God bless!
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Old 08-16-2011, 05:34 AM
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A lot of people share the dynamic you described above. It is very hard to alter when it has been going on for a long time.

I know that with my current boyfriend he tried to "fix" one day when I was just trying to talk/vent. As it is a newer relationship I said simply that I just needed him to listen for a while and that was it, no suggestions, no outcomes, no plan and no comments. (The issue did not involve him)

Once he understood what I needed it was much easier.
I talked, he listened and we both felt good.

I would think that given some time and distance that it may be possible for you guys to establish new habits.

You will both probably need more recovery under your belts before it will be truly feasible.

It can be very hard to listen to another's problems when one has codependent tendencies and not want to rush in to make all the pain go away and make it all "better".

It is great that you were able to recognize it as a pattern.
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Old 08-16-2011, 06:08 AM
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Stu~please do not get distracted from your goal of becoming while sober. Your wife is lucky. I wish my husband made the choice to stop. I'm sure she is getting used to the sober you. It might take awhile for adjustments to be made. please stay strong!
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Old 08-16-2011, 06:46 AM
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Hi Everyone . . .thanks for your well-wishes. Yes, yes, yes . . .I am trying to focus on my recovery - it just feels really selfish at this time. ANd it's really good to keep reading this same thing over and over from you all - it helps to reinforce it for me.

When she brought up something this morning about not understanding my recovery or drinking, I just told her I hoped that someone in Alanon would be able to help her through that (she's been going for about 10 months, but not sure how much she's 'jumped in'. And . . . this is not my issue). Anyway, this suggestion seemed to get me off the hook, give her something to think about, and I think, averted a potentially stressful discussion that I don' think would have been helpful for either of us. It was a great reinforcement for what I need to be doing on a more regular basis.

GOWEST - on a side note, it's a male/femail brain thing that men want to fix problems and women want to talk through them (without the other person commenting, fixing, etc.). Of course, this is a generalization but oftentime true. It took about 10 years of my wife telling me to just listen and not fix. Now, (apart from the recovery issues etc), if she tells me something, I am sure to ask if she wants my opinion or not - it's about 50/50 that she wants it/doesnt.)

Thanks again everyone!
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Old 08-16-2011, 08:24 AM
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Based on my own experience as I take the recovery journey along side my RAH, I can relate to your wife's perspectives but only to a point. First of all, let me clarify that my husband and I do not live together right now...and that was immensely helpful for me to focus on changing my bad habits and gave him the space to focus on his own recovery from alcoholism. Big thanks to everyone who made that recommendation - I believe it saved my marriage during this bumpy time.

It sounds like your wife is some kind of angry and holding a lot of resentments. That was hard for me to let go of. Even through Al-Anon and IC, I struggled for months to let go and find forgiveness and compassion for what my husband was going through. It is easy for us to forget THAT side of addictions and get all wrapped up in our own feelings of being shortchanged in life.

Here's how I handled these feelings:
1. Kept going to Al-Anon, even when it pissed me off to have to be there in the first place.
2. Read, read, read. Al-Anon books, books on alcoholism, personal biographies written by recovering addicts, neuroscience of addictions, marriage self-help books, daily readings, etc. I post here all the time, and read many threads on a variety of forums here, not just F&F.
3. Went to open AA meetings and listened to those people bear their souls and share their journeys.
4. Prayed to my HP for the path to forgiveness and compassion...every day...in my journal. I go back and read those entries now and WOW I was pretty angry for a long time.
5. Focused on myself, my interests, my kids, my job, my friends, my family as much as humanely possible.
6. Learned to recognize the difference between reality and emotions. There is a difference. It doesn't dismiss my feelings, but it does help to put them in their proper place without unleashing the inner beast on innocent bystanders.
7. Took personal responsibility for my unhappiness. Take a personal inventory each day and make amends when I lose control - and feel ok with the fact that I am human, after all. I do still lose it on occasion.
8. Learn to allow my husband to fix something, even if I can do it myself. Why? Because of what you wrote above. He needs to feel needed, and fixing something makes him feel needed. Understanding he is not my girlfriend, and respecting him for being a man. I look for female support from other females.

Was this all easy to internalize? Heck NO! But now that I have found that place, I am much happier, my husband remains sober at 9 months and counting, we are enjoying each other's company again, and the future looks much brighter, regardless. Give your wife some time to find her own place. She is struggling in her own way. Maybe suggest some of the things on my list if she comes to you to "listen". Invite her to an open AA meeting with you if you attend AA. Let her meet your sponsor, if you have one. And if all else fails, practice patience while protecting your boundaries. Recovery won't work for either of you if you don't make it the TOP PRIORITY right now. And remember, this too shall pass.

Good luck!
~T
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Old 08-16-2011, 05:55 PM
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Stuart, bless you but try this same question in the Alcoholic forums for advice from your perspective, not that of the person married to the alcoholic. I'm not saying you can't be here, just be there too.

This is very complicated, very emotional, and the beginning of recovery can be confusing. Please suggest to her she try an Alanon meeting or six.

Good luck,

Cyranoak
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