Hi InaneVandal,
I have been going through a similar process as far as wondering if my Mom fits the actual diagnosis of an alcoholic...I think she does...but a couple of months ago this seemed to be one of my primary focuses as I tried to find my way. I asked myself too if I have been in denial, and how long...
I spoke with a friend who is a social worker and counsels addicts and alcoholics. She basically told me that if my Mom's drinking causes issues with others and herself than it is a problem...whether alcoholic or not. I thought this was an insightful statement and has helped me to move through that stage of whether or not she is officially an alcoholic. For me, I think it was my trying to justify my feelings and emotions and find some firm ground to stand on when I felt I was in emotional quicksand.
I started going to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings (ACA) and I am reading the red book (ACA book). It has been SO helpful for me. It talks about family dysfunction as related to alcohol use and even without alcohol involved. I highly recommend it!
Take care of you. I know the path is difficult but it is good to see someone tackling this in their twenties. I have just started seeing the light at age 41 and just wished I had more conscious of all the family dynamics and how they were affecting me earlier.
Good Luck!