I'm not sure if it's a problem, or if I'm in denial.

Old 08-02-2011, 10:12 PM
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I'm not sure if it's a problem, or if I'm in denial.

Hey there, first time poster.

I don't really know where to start effectively - but anywhere is good I suppose. I apologize if this becomes entwined with some ranting (And long.), but this has been going on for some time and I can't help but spill over with emotion and long explanation.



My mom I'm pretty sure has a drinking problem - when others have witnessed what I've dealt with or when I explain anything, they jump to that conclusion - I think she does at this point too.

(I'm not oblivious, by any means - It's just, difficult to fully say and admit it and figure out how to deal with it.)

I'm currently 22, and for as long as I remember my mom has had the occasional affair with the bottle.

I guess my confusion lays in what really defines an alcoholic...and relates back to why I have in the past and even up to now been so weak in laying out the word alcoholic.

She doesn't drink every night - sometimes a week or so can go by and she won't have anything, or sometimes it's a few days in a week depending - but I can probably could on one hand the times she's stepped away after one drink rather than consume or finish off the bottle.

The issue lies in just that, she hardly can just have a 'drink'. She consistently gets completely over served, and in cases at parties gets beyond drunk, barely walking and not even aware of her actions.

This has resulted over the years in much built up frustration, and anger, and lack of emotional organization for myself as a result of growing up with this behavior.

Along with this drinking she becomes verbally abusive, incredibly rude and disrespectful (I think back to the years of drunk arguments and insults tossed toward my father that I've witnessed), embarrassing and even has caused harm to herself. (She broke her elbow while drunk at 3 in the morning when I was younger, to this day she tells everyone it was because she slipped and fell on our kitchen floor.)


Previously, as I was younger, I could get away with trying to ignore it, not tell people, not have friends over around her when she was drunk if I could avoid it - or even just 'go with the flow' when I'd have to actually deal with her. But as the years have gone on, I find my patience and care to be non existent with her and I let it get to me so much more since I know how much ******** I'm being handed. I try not to start fights or be rude, because I know it will just inflate the issue - and it never helps to say anything about it WHILE one is drunk. (I foolishly made that mistake in a fit of anger back in high school when she started to try to physically throw my possessions out of misplaced drunk rage and it resulted in her putting the fault onto me and throwing me out of the house for the night.)

I've wanted to say something for some time now because it's starting to impact the relationship with my mom when she's normal, sober mom. I'm more angry these days, short tempered, and it's difficult for me to express any depth of emotion (Happy, sad etc) without being excessively overwhelmed from pent up conflict and emotion from this issue, and just start crying or something completely off kilter.

I just don't know if she sincerely forgets most of what she does because she's so drunk sometimes or if it's just blatant ignorance to what she has done the previous night when she's up the next morning.

She recently did something pretty terrible while incredibly drunk - and just the next day I didn't even know what to do. I didn't know if she forgot because she was so wasted and if she didn't - how on earth do I confront someone? I get so conflicted because for so many years I've associated my mom as two different people when drunk/sober, so it's difficult for me to confront or even talk about this issue with the mom that isn't the problem, when I KNOW it is - it's just. e__e Too much.

I don't even know where I'd start. Or if it's even worth it anymore - I want this to no longer be an issue, but I don't really have anyone to back me up, (siblings, I don't think I could even ask her friends for help.)

...

Goodness, I've typed a lot, sorry this kind of is all over.




TL;DR: My mom probably has a drinking problem, where do I start? I'm scared to even confront this even though it causes me so many issues.

Are there any decent resources, or pointers or places anyone can direct me to for figuring out how to bring this up? I just am also afraid that I'll lose it and say some horrible things out of frustration and pent up anger/sadness.

/sigh

Either way. Thank you very much for reading, I appreciate your time. Thank you!
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Old 08-03-2011, 04:37 AM
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InaneVandel-

Though I don't share a lot of experience strength and hope exactly with your story I have found a lot of support in reading a variety of books by Claudia Black who specializes in families with addiction in them. I learned from then that for me it was less about a definition for the person struggling and more about the impact it had on me.

I also really like Melody Beattie, information here, and have gotten a lot out of Al-Anon meetings too.

Mostly though I wanted to say welcome and that you are not alone.
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Old 08-03-2011, 05:16 AM
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Welcome,

My mother is the alcoholic in my life, she has lived in the bottle for 65 years. She is not a binge drinker, she partakes every day.

She is a mean spirited nasty person, alcohol has totally changed her personality, all for the worse.

There have been two times in my adult life that I totally backed out of her life, one for 4 years and another for 10.

If you have not attended Alanon, I would suggest that you do, was a life saver for me.
I would also read around the F & F of Alcoholics forum, lots of helpful information there.

Unfortunately, there is nothing that you can do for your mother, all you can do is work on you. Living with an alcoholic has a very toxic impact on a child, and, will affect them well into adulthood.

We are here for you, post anytime!
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Old 08-03-2011, 05:45 AM
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I don't know what the medical definition of an alcoholic is, but I'll tell you my definition: an alcoholic is someone where the alcohol controls them, instead of them controlling the alcohol. If your mom is unable to drink without drinking herself to the point of drunk, then the alcohol is controlling her. Going weeks without drinking, only to tie one on, is called binge drinking and is a form of alcoholism.

You didn't cause her to be this way, you can't control her behaviors and you can't cure her behaviors. You can take care of YOU. Keep posting here, or "next door" in the friends and family section.

Both of my parents are alcoholics. Both are getting worse. There may be a point soon where I have to wash my hands of them and walk away to maintain my own sanity. My dad used to drink like your mom does. Then he retired. He now drinks himself stupid nearly every night, and many nights he drinks to the point of blacking out. My mom has entered late stage alcoholism and dementia. I can't change them - if they are making me crazy, then I need to take care of myself first.

I hope you find this helpful.
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Old 08-03-2011, 06:38 AM
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My heart truly goes out to you and to all in this situation, an unpredictable living hell I can only imagine.

I have no experience of this personally but I do agree with all the posts so far. Look after you, you are only 22 you have a precious life ahead of you to live to the full. You can neither change or cure your Mother, she has made her choices.

You must make yours, look after you now, and if necessary detach to prevent further damage to YOU. Al Anon is great, so is the family and friends forum on here.

All the very best to you.
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Old 08-03-2011, 11:25 PM
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Thanks everyone, your posts are insightful and supportive. I appreciate it, truly.

I looked into the Al-anon programs and so on, I think I may pick that up when I head back up to school in the next few weeks. That seems like something that would be beneficial and helpful. Thank you for bringing that up, I didn't know such a thing existed for those impacted by the actions that didn't participate themselves.

As for the book suggestions, thank you for those too, I'll look them up!

I'll remember to try and not let this get the best of me, even when it gets overwhelming. Thank you again for all your kind words!
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Old 08-14-2011, 06:02 AM
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Hi InaneVandal,

I have been going through a similar process as far as wondering if my Mom fits the actual diagnosis of an alcoholic...I think she does...but a couple of months ago this seemed to be one of my primary focuses as I tried to find my way. I asked myself too if I have been in denial, and how long...

I spoke with a friend who is a social worker and counsels addicts and alcoholics. She basically told me that if my Mom's drinking causes issues with others and herself than it is a problem...whether alcoholic or not. I thought this was an insightful statement and has helped me to move through that stage of whether or not she is officially an alcoholic. For me, I think it was my trying to justify my feelings and emotions and find some firm ground to stand on when I felt I was in emotional quicksand.

I started going to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings (ACA) and I am reading the red book (ACA book). It has been SO helpful for me. It talks about family dysfunction as related to alcohol use and even without alcohol involved. I highly recommend it!

Take care of you. I know the path is difficult but it is good to see someone tackling this in their twenties. I have just started seeing the light at age 41 and just wished I had more conscious of all the family dynamics and how they were affecting me earlier.

Good Luck!
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Old 08-14-2011, 11:31 AM
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I grew up with a father drinking 2 or 3 rum and cokes every single night. As an adult, with no inclination to drink every night, I realize how abnormal that is. When you have to try to ignore things, make a point of not telling people, when it's enough of a problem that you come looking for help on a forum, it's a problem.

You mentioned she seems to forget what she's done while drinking, and not knowing if she really forgot or not. My father recently asked me (yet again) why I'm upset with him. I gave him a looooong list of ugly things he has said and done to me over the years, the last of which was just the last straw. He told me I'm imagining it all. Including him throwing me on a bed and trying to choke me. I didn't even bother mentioning a crystal clear memory I've had since I was 4--too young to think up or imagine such a thing on my own--of sitting beside him in a dark movie theater watching what was at least soft porn. I know I'd be called a liar for saying that.

At this point, I understand that I can either continue trying to live in his make-believe world where we all pretend none of it happened, which means he can continue his abusive behavior and I can continue smiling and showing up for more abuse because, well, it's not really happening is it, so why would I possibly do anything other than smile and be pleasant? He gets to abuse and have a happy daughter, what a deal. Or I can walk away. There is absolutely no other choice when dealing with this sort of thing, until/unless they recognize there's a problem that THEY need to fix.

As Ginger said, you didn't cause it, you can't control it.

I also highly recommend al-anon. I only went 6 months but have gotten so much benefit from that time, in being able to pull away and work on my own life.
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Old 08-27-2011, 08:14 PM
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So sorry for you, my mom has been an alcoholic for about forty years, I am 49.

The only thing you can do is disengage, go to your room and lock the door, get in your car and leave.

If you live at home you are going to need a friend who knows the score so you have a place to crash when things are bad at home.

There is no point argiung with a drunk, they don't remember while they are drinking and are in denial when they are sober.

Please see if your school offers counseling service, or talk to your doctor for a referral.

Remember your job is to take care of you! Get enough rest, get the best grades you can, eat right, cultivate friendships, lots of other people have addicted parents, people will understand what you are going through.
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