9 months, back to zero
This is a self examination. I learned living with a recovering addict was going to be a rollercoaster on this site. I was prepared for that, I thought.
Brief catchup. My ah doc was/is opiates and alcohol. We have been married 21yrs. Together 23. He did become an addict until the last 6/7. I never knew. Just knew he was no longer the man I married. I have very little knowledge about addiction. He went through a two week withdrawal ct early dec. didn't tell me the truth until late dec. I had already planned to leave new years, if nothing changed. Rehab in late Jan., addiction specialist once a week. Was doing well. Then switched to alcohol. There were 2 months of rage, fights, etc. Then he started aa. He just got his 90 day chip 1-1/2 wks ago. We have been going to marital counseling, he hadn't missed a meeting, & no sign of drugs or alcohol.
Success!! haha!!!
Old habits started creeping in late last week. Nothing big. Just a weird insensitivity. Then on Fri night we had a big blow up over something very trivial. After a lot of marriage counseling we had been doing really great at communicating. But this was his old extreme defensiveness. Irrational. None of the tools we had been using for months.
Then Sat am he got up & started to go to work. He had looked at the schedule wrong because he was off. Instead of being excited he was off he seemed confused & was very quiet. Work is where he saw his access to pills.
Sat & Sun were a little edgy but not bad. I was sick so I wasn't with sinus so I didn't do much. On Mon he got up to go to work again. I again said you dont work today. He looked at the schedule and I was right. Seemed very irritated instead of glad, but played it off as he would have slept in if he knew. He slept most of the day. Tues. he started doing some things around the house, but was in bed by 11:30. Headache, fever, etc. Wed was horrible. He couldn't sleep, kept jumping in & out of bed. Running to the bathroom. Headache horrible. I just basically ignored him all day.
He kept telling everyone he was sick with a virus we have all had. But with our whole family it only lasted max 2 days, and was livable with meds. Really more sinus than anything else. But the man who never gets sick had it worse than anyone. Even me. I have an autoimmune disease, so I always get every virus. But I wasn't this sick.
So I had a pretty good idea, what was going on. So when he went to work this week he came home acting fine. Socializing, etc... He did "talk" about being sick, but never showed any symptoms. I even asked him if he was detoxing. "No" "You can drug test me!" I didn't test him, if he was detoxing he was on day 5 or 6, and I didn't want him to rub a passed test in my face. In the 9/3 months of sobriety we have talked about slips. Even in counseling. He said he would tell me. There are no secrets, I know he is an addict. But I guess active addiction has put him back into addict lying mode. He also missed his aa meeting for the first time & an appt with his addiction specialist. Yet he was too sick to make either. I just question the reason.
My distant/silent treatment has went unnoticed by him. He thinks I am also "not feeling good".
I have had 7 days to go over all this in my head, and I only come to one conclusion. His actions tell me he is back on pills. I have decided I have to trust my head. Not my heart.
We have company staying at our house this weekend. Plus our two teenagers are home. I am very worried about a big fight with him.
Back to my old self, "barely here"!
I read on SR everyday. It is one of the few things that keep me sane & help me work my program.
I wanted to come on here & post how well things were going. SORRY!
Am I crazy! I have to believe what I know.
Thanks for listening & any advice.