9 months, back to zero

Old 08-12-2011, 11:54 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
BarelyHere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
9 months, back to zero

This is a self examination. I learned living with a recovering addict was going to be a rollercoaster on this site. I was prepared for that, I thought.

Brief catchup. My ah doc was/is opiates and alcohol. We have been married 21yrs. Together 23. He did become an addict until the last 6/7. I never knew. Just knew he was no longer the man I married. I have very little knowledge about addiction. He went through a two week withdrawal ct early dec. didn't tell me the truth until late dec. I had already planned to leave new years, if nothing changed. Rehab in late Jan., addiction specialist once a week. Was doing well. Then switched to alcohol. There were 2 months of rage, fights, etc. Then he started aa. He just got his 90 day chip 1-1/2 wks ago. We have been going to marital counseling, he hadn't missed a meeting, & no sign of drugs or alcohol.

Success!! haha!!!

Old habits started creeping in late last week. Nothing big. Just a weird insensitivity. Then on Fri night we had a big blow up over something very trivial. After a lot of marriage counseling we had been doing really great at communicating. But this was his old extreme defensiveness. Irrational. None of the tools we had been using for months.
Then Sat am he got up & started to go to work. He had looked at the schedule wrong because he was off. Instead of being excited he was off he seemed confused & was very quiet. Work is where he saw his access to pills.
Sat & Sun were a little edgy but not bad. I was sick so I wasn't with sinus so I didn't do much. On Mon he got up to go to work again. I again said you dont work today. He looked at the schedule and I was right. Seemed very irritated instead of glad, but played it off as he would have slept in if he knew. He slept most of the day. Tues. he started doing some things around the house, but was in bed by 11:30. Headache, fever, etc. Wed was horrible. He couldn't sleep, kept jumping in & out of bed. Running to the bathroom. Headache horrible. I just basically ignored him all day.
He kept telling everyone he was sick with a virus we have all had. But with our whole family it only lasted max 2 days, and was livable with meds. Really more sinus than anything else. But the man who never gets sick had it worse than anyone. Even me. I have an autoimmune disease, so I always get every virus. But I wasn't this sick.
So I had a pretty good idea, what was going on. So when he went to work this week he came home acting fine. Socializing, etc... He did "talk" about being sick, but never showed any symptoms. I even asked him if he was detoxing. "No" "You can drug test me!" I didn't test him, if he was detoxing he was on day 5 or 6, and I didn't want him to rub a passed test in my face. In the 9/3 months of sobriety we have talked about slips. Even in counseling. He said he would tell me. There are no secrets, I know he is an addict. But I guess active addiction has put him back into addict lying mode. He also missed his aa meeting for the first time & an appt with his addiction specialist. Yet he was too sick to make either. I just question the reason.

My distant/silent treatment has went unnoticed by him. He thinks I am also "not feeling good".

I have had 7 days to go over all this in my head, and I only come to one conclusion. His actions tell me he is back on pills. I have decided I have to trust my head. Not my heart.

We have company staying at our house this weekend. Plus our two teenagers are home. I am very worried about a big fight with him.

Back to my old self, "barely here"!

I read on SR everyday. It is one of the few things that keep me sane & help me work my program.
I wanted to come on here & post how well things were going. SORRY!

Am I crazy! I have to believe what I know.

Thanks for listening & any advice.
BarelyHere is offline  
Old 08-12-2011, 12:42 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you already know the signs.

Offering you hugs of support.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 08-12-2011, 01:06 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am sorry, I can feel your disappointment. And, I agree, trust your gut, it always tells one the truth.

Take care of you, keep posting, it will help!
dollydo is offline  
Old 08-12-2011, 01:19 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
nerdygirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
So, you're thinking - was he or wasn't he? You asked and he said no. But, you feel differently, correct? Regardless of what he did or didn't do, you're back in the way of the codie.

Addicts and alcoholics relapse after years of sobriety. Every day. Why? Because they're addicts. Since you've been here for a while, you know there's nothing you can do to make him stop.

So, what are your next steps?
nerdygirl is offline  
Old 08-12-2011, 07:59 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
BarelyHere,

i'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. the title of the thread sums it all up. all this wasted time and for what, back at square one.

your post reminds me so much of my days when i was still at home. constantly questioning my intuition (i still do it even if i'm no longer around my AH). i would constantly be looking for signs if he was supposed to be "not using" at the time.

and it never made any sense to me why would you go through all this trouble of quitting and maintaining for so long and then just throwing it all away for that 1 high. but, i guess it is not supposed to make sense to me, because i'm not an addict. it is nevertheless very hard and infuriating.

it makes it harder, b/c we want to believe them sooo bad. we want to believe that this one time they will quit for good. it will be the end of our worry and our wonderful life will begin again. the truth is it may or might not ever happen. it hasn't for me yet. i certainly wish you better luck.

i wanted to send you my encouragement and support. either way, you cannot control what he does, but you can focus on yourself and your improvement. i know, easier said than done.

my hugs and prayers are w/ you.
pacificsunrise is offline  
Old 08-12-2011, 08:04 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Barelyhere))) - if I've learned anything, it's to trust my gut. It hasn't failed me yet.

I'm an RA and a recovering codie, and honestly? The codie part has been the hardest.

We have to take care of ourselves (and kids if we have them). The A is going to do what they're going to do, and they will lie to you if you catch them with dope in their hands. It's what we A's do to protect our addiction.

Many hugs and prayers,

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 08-13-2011, 06:35 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
BarelyHere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
Thanks everyone who responded. It helps so much to talk to ppl who don't respond to me as if I am crazy.

The big difference in me the last 9 months, is that I know what it looks & sounds like. And even though its still hard, I know my truth.
What I hoped would happen, was when the slip in early recovery came, we would discuss it, follow the plan & get back on track. Probably unrealistic, but we had discussed it & discussed it with our counselors. He has been working a program. But that hasn't happened. That's the hardest part for me.
He is still lying even after several days to come clean at his own pace &
time.

Lying to me is more the crime. Kind of like Martha Stewart, she went to jail for the lie, not what she did.

Last night when he came home I was in the bedroom, playing my ipod. When he asked what was wrong, I told him I wasn't in the mood to be social. He then told me he would take a drug test. I replied I didn't need one, I know what I know. That's all I need. He didn't yell, pout, etc... He just left the room & went to be with our company. (fyi they have no idea what is going on & probably think I'm nuts! oh well)
When he came to bed, I was still listening to music. He didn't turn on the tv, just started reading off his Ipad. I thought ok, at least he's working on his steps, etc....Then he turns and tries to talk to me about something going on in the paper. Really!!! I just grunted, went to sleep.

Again, I so appreciate the support. Just feel in such a limbo.
BarelyHere is offline  
Old 08-13-2011, 09:53 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
NotSoSmart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
The other night I woke up in a cold sweat feeling like I'd been socked in the gut. I had a nightmare that my AGF started drinking again. In the dream she said "no big deal, I can handle it", etc, etc. What bothered me most is after I woke up I was forced to realize how close relapse always lurks over their shoulders. One stupid move, one lazy moment, and it can go to sh!t really fast. If I mess up my diet and eat some cheesecake, I regret it and work a little harder the next day. If my AGF has a drink, it sets in motion a cycle of addiction that ends up with her taking every pill in the house, calling "old friends" to get the good stuff i wouldn't have (oxy, etc).

Anyway since I was up I had time to reflect on it. And I realized its not so much what happens to her if she relapsed, its what am *I* going to do. What are the limits I'll need to set (and keep) in the event she does make that statement "it's just a beer".

It sounds like your counselors helped set up a relapse plan for HIM, but what is your relapse plan? You can wait for him to come to his senses and get back on track, but have you thought about how long you will give him? Even though mine is still in treatment, I feel it necessary for my sanity to start thinking about that now, and plan to have my relapse plan incorporated into her relapse plan so we are both on the same page. I know that Nar Anon and Al Anon will be an integral part of me being able to stick to my boundaries. Have you been going to your meetings?
NotSoSmart is offline  
Old 08-13-2011, 01:24 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
if there's life theres hope
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Somewhere in the south
Posts: 2
I'm a recovering addicts spouse

I know how you feel. My husband of two years is a recovering meth addict.he's been clean 78 days now. I drug test him bi weekly...the drug tests were actually his idea. The last time he relapsed he admitted it to me which was a first and he expressed his sincere desire to quit entirely...that he hated his addiction. He holds a really good job, pays all our bills, seems responsible, and is very handsome, comes from a great addiction free family, I love him more than anything. But hes an addict...in the past when he was using he would constantly lie to me about where he was after he got off from work and could not account for his time, I knew something was going on then he confessed, ever since I've been testing him so here we are 78 days later. Last night he came home late after he hadn't been answering my calls and acted strange once he got home, Im pretty sure he was lying about where he had been, he's a good liar..but I sensed it. I think he used again but I pressed him for details and he denied it. I'm so scared that he might go back , when he was using before he was still functioning normal and was never strung out. I hope yesterday was just my imagination but I have that gut feeling it's not. I am a woman of faith and so is my husband. I have never done any drugs...I've always steered clear of anything like that. I pray he confesses if he messed up so we can start a new plan. He's only 30 and he has so many great things going for him.
Southerngirl77 is offline  
Old 08-14-2011, 07:46 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
BarelyHere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
Notsosmart .....

Thanks for your reply. I have had the panic attacks & I still have the dreams. I'm sure this will sound strange, but in my situation I "almost" wish he would go crazy off the wagon. That would be easy. I know what that answer is. Leave. It's over. No regrets. Sometimes when I read posts where the person is going through this absurd craziness, they aren't married, have no kids & cheating partners. I am both confused & envious. That seems like it would be straightforward. But I didn't say easy, I know none of our situations are easy. But I could do that, say goodbye.

I have an autoimmune disease, that is fairly manageable, but for the years I didn't have a diagnosis & was always sick & not knowing why. There were times I thought I would be fine if they would tell me I had cancer. I could make a plan, take the right meds, & know what I was fighting. This reminds me a lot of my current situation.

However, right now I am not in that situation. I share kids, business, etc...And I have to be in or out.

I have read your posts, I wish I had good advice. But we both know that we have to separate our hearts & brain in these situations. And it is so hard!

Thanks & good luck
BarelyHere is offline  
Old 08-15-2011, 12:36 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
BarelyHere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
Thanks again for letting me vent.

I was correct. He finally admitted to using & detoxing. Trust your gut.
I told him I was tired & over trying to having a relationship with someone who isn't capable of being a partner.

I can't keep living in crisis.

Thanks,
BarelyHere is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:58 PM.