Good morning y'all. I have been really trying hard to not respond to my ex-alcoholic boyfriend's texts, calls, emails. I knew he has been on a heavy binge, and I would just delete the texts from my phone as soon as I got them so I wouldn't have his number and the urge to respond. I was throwing myself into my AA program, talking to my sponsor, trying to be of service to newcomers, praying, staying busy, etc.
Then a couple days ago his sister told me she moved out (they were roommates and she finally realized that living with him and her child, and allowing him to babysit and drive her kid around was probably a bad idea), and he texted saying, "I wish you would respond to me." At the time I was at work, stressed, and emotionally on edge and feeling vulnerable. I had started thinking about "all the good times" (aka when I believed his lies that he wasn't drinking) and "what could have been" (if things had been completely, 100% different and he was a different person). I responded via text.
I just told him that I do not associate with those who do not take their sobriety seriously, and that I'm in no position to be his friend. He gave some B.S. about how he has realized his sister was his main resentment because she didn't care about his sobriety. It is true that she condoned and at times encouraged his drinking. She also lied to her family and me about it, so I would agree that she didnt help. But obviously I also know that his sobriety is his responsibility and one resentment doesn't cause an alcoholic to get drunk if they choose, instead, to use the tools of their program to stay sober. Progress - I didn't tell him that. I just told him good luck, I can't be his friend, he never has to drink again and he knows where to go (he has been in and out of the AA rooms for years).
Of course I feel sadness because I had never really told him we can't be friends. I had held on to the idea that if he got sober, he could be my friend. Well, the fact is, as an AA member with more than a year of sobriety, it isn't part of my program to befriend men who are new to sobriety. Especially when I know those men are interested, which my ex is. I know what his intentions are and I know that he is still feeding me lines to try to get me back, at which time he would pick up again (if he has even ceased doing so at this point).
It is just a sick, pathetic disease. I am not used to grieving a break-up without launching, full-force, into active alcoholism. I never had to feel it like this because I was either hungover or drunk, hungover or drunk, hungover or drunk. Of course I had other coping mechanisms that went along with that pattern, like meeting a new guy right away. I don't want to block off my feelings with any kind of FIX now, and it HURTS. Geez, I don't know how normies have lived life like this from day one.
I'm not angry that I responded to his texts, just sad in general. I know getting away is the right thing for me and the only healthy way to handle him, but it STINKS. These disease is truly cunning, baffling, and powerful. I have learned as an alcoholic, and now as someone who loves one, that when I get in the ring with alcohol, I lose every time. Thank God my higher power is keeping me sober.
Thanks for letting me vent, and I hope all of you have a wonderful Friday.