Broke No Contact, and Of Course I Feel Worse

Old 08-12-2011, 05:01 AM
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Broke No Contact, and Of Course I Feel Worse

Good morning y'all. I have been really trying hard to not respond to my ex-alcoholic boyfriend's texts, calls, emails. I knew he has been on a heavy binge, and I would just delete the texts from my phone as soon as I got them so I wouldn't have his number and the urge to respond. I was throwing myself into my AA program, talking to my sponsor, trying to be of service to newcomers, praying, staying busy, etc.

Then a couple days ago his sister told me she moved out (they were roommates and she finally realized that living with him and her child, and allowing him to babysit and drive her kid around was probably a bad idea), and he texted saying, "I wish you would respond to me." At the time I was at work, stressed, and emotionally on edge and feeling vulnerable. I had started thinking about "all the good times" (aka when I believed his lies that he wasn't drinking) and "what could have been" (if things had been completely, 100% different and he was a different person). I responded via text.

I just told him that I do not associate with those who do not take their sobriety seriously, and that I'm in no position to be his friend. He gave some B.S. about how he has realized his sister was his main resentment because she didn't care about his sobriety. It is true that she condoned and at times encouraged his drinking. She also lied to her family and me about it, so I would agree that she didnt help. But obviously I also know that his sobriety is his responsibility and one resentment doesn't cause an alcoholic to get drunk if they choose, instead, to use the tools of their program to stay sober. Progress - I didn't tell him that. I just told him good luck, I can't be his friend, he never has to drink again and he knows where to go (he has been in and out of the AA rooms for years).

Of course I feel sadness because I had never really told him we can't be friends. I had held on to the idea that if he got sober, he could be my friend. Well, the fact is, as an AA member with more than a year of sobriety, it isn't part of my program to befriend men who are new to sobriety. Especially when I know those men are interested, which my ex is. I know what his intentions are and I know that he is still feeding me lines to try to get me back, at which time he would pick up again (if he has even ceased doing so at this point).

It is just a sick, pathetic disease. I am not used to grieving a break-up without launching, full-force, into active alcoholism. I never had to feel it like this because I was either hungover or drunk, hungover or drunk, hungover or drunk. Of course I had other coping mechanisms that went along with that pattern, like meeting a new guy right away. I don't want to block off my feelings with any kind of FIX now, and it HURTS. Geez, I don't know how normies have lived life like this from day one.

I'm not angry that I responded to his texts, just sad in general. I know getting away is the right thing for me and the only healthy way to handle him, but it STINKS. These disease is truly cunning, baffling, and powerful. I have learned as an alcoholic, and now as someone who loves one, that when I get in the ring with alcohol, I lose every time. Thank God my higher power is keeping me sober.

Thanks for letting me vent, and I hope all of you have a wonderful Friday.
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Old 08-12-2011, 05:37 AM
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Life sucks over here often but at least its reality.

And, over here, there is real human contact.

I am not an alcoholic but I have been depressed all my life... finally I am becoming a less codependent woman. I was always afraid of people, or wanted to control people, or use people, or I was comparing myself to them (of course I was always "less-than")... or all at the same time. And it was hell. It is still hell when I "go there", if only in my mind.

On this side of the bridge I have found authenticity, compassion and humanity, 3 things I never found when I was in a toxic environment and with toxic people.

Maybe someday when the pain is too big, the lesson to huge to ignore, the addicts will stop running away from themselves, but its their life and we have to respect them. Perhaps they won't wake up in their lifetime.\

But we... WE, have been blessed with a new day in recovery and for that I am grateful.

Congratulations for taking care of you!
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Old 08-12-2011, 06:06 AM
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Thanks for sharing your shining example of strength!! Yeah, you responded to the text - but you didn't by a ticket for the merry-go-round - good for you!!

I needed to hear your story this morning. Thank you.
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Old 08-12-2011, 06:38 AM
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Just stand tall, and work on YOU....

shut that PHONE OFF...when in need...maybe tell family and friends to use the house phone for a while....
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Old 08-12-2011, 06:38 AM
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Originally Posted by LawMama View Post
I have learned as an alcoholic, and now as someone who loves one, that when I get in the ring with alcohol, I lose every time. Thank God my higher power is keeping me sober.
Indeed the big book tells us we have ceased to fight alcohol.

The most important thing I do each day is to stay sober. All else depends on that.

I'm proud of you! It's no cake walk to get through these things sober, dear!

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 08-12-2011, 08:14 AM
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Thanks for sharing.

The AA program is such a gift and has enabled you to make healthy decisions for yourself.
Yes it is hard to feel emotions that we have covered up for a long time. It hurts but you will be ok.

Be proud of yourself. You are doing really well.
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