Hi lonelystar. YOU NEED TO STAY DAMN MAD...it makes it a lot easier to not enable when you are mad.
I know what you mean about being treated like a doormat. (Again something we have allowed.) When they are drugging and in withdrawl it seems to be the worst!!
Our son is 22 and we have experienced the same thing over and over again.
In reality we have trained him...or maybe I should say he has trained us. So now we are busy getting untrained!!!
In fact our son was kicked out of his 3/4 house last Tuesday night for supposedly breaking curfew...this is not the first time he has defied the rules. UGH!!!! The counselor told him that if he wanted to come back and talk to him this week he would need to stay clean, go to meetings for the next week and get a new sponsor.
Meanwhile he spent the first couple of nights out on the street then he ended up at a friends who is actually a functioning addict who is doing what he can to get on with his own life.
He has tried to help our son more than once and is seeing that we aren't the unloving parents he had thought we were.
He allowed our son to stay at his apartment at night but would make him leave during the day while he was at work. This friend is literally working his butt off to make ends meet and has barely enough food for himself, no family...in fact his mother lives in a very poor area of the Philipines, his dad lives here but pretty much hasn't been there for his son in years. So this kid has had it rough and had no choice but to get clean on his own.
This friend has tried to reason with our son and talk some sense into his head.
Sunday I spoke with our son briefly and he was all about doing what he wanted to do.
He even went out of his way to tell me on Saturday he got handcuffed for panhandling. The police ran his driver's license then told him panhandling was not allowed then let him go.
This is not the first time he has panhandled and I'm sure any money he got he put towards beer or ???
Today was the last straw for my son's friend. The friend texted me earlier today saying how selfish our son was and he was done helping him and didn't care what he did anymore, that he had to worry about his own sobriety. He was very angry and frustrated that my son had homework to do before returning to the 3/4 house that he did not even attempt to do.
So my son leaves his friend's house.
My husband calls me a bit later to let me know what is going on.
Says our son got to his 2pm appt. an hour late. HECK he had all darned day to get there...he should have walked faster.
Meanwhile the director/counselor did speak to our son. He asked our son about his homework, our son told him he had not done it. This counselor is an ex addict been clean for 20+ years, has a daughter my son's age...so he has a very good read on my son, plus he know's how an addict thinks and throws it right back at my son, plus he is father. So he does have a bit of compassion.
I don't know all the details of what he told my son but I'm sure he was very matter of fact. He told my son that he would not be tested that if he said something he meant it.
So he told our son that he would not be allowed back tonight, that he needed to do what he was told...go to meetings, stay clean and seek a new sponsor...and come back on Wednesday and they could talk, no promises. (Although he told my husband he would probably allow him back.)
The counselor said he could see what looked like fear in our son's eyes. Our son went on to tell the counselor that he had no where to go, no money, no food. The counselor told our son point blank that was not his problem.
Our son said something about panhandeling and the counselor gave him his view on that and how low our son must be to even consider panhandeling, that it was not NORMAL.
He told him to go to a homeless shelter or food kitchen if need be.
The counselor told my husband that our son was so use to the routine of getting what he wanted and that it had become second nature for our son to just expect to get his own way without any consequences.
I must agree...we have always been there in a big way or a small way his entire life!!
He has never had the rug totally pulled out from under him.
So here I sit until Wednesday....I am stressed out but he is resourceful and besides he put himself in this position. I just thank GOD that I am not having to worry about freezing temps. Although I've been told the more uncomfortable they are they better.
I am praying that he will be safe but feel so tired, scared and alone that he decides to change his life for the better.
I think your son sounds a bit like mine. He expects you to be there for him. Why wouldn't you be? You've been the perfect mom his entire life. Making sure he was comfortable and that all his needs were met. I know we had the best intentions...how did it all go so wrong.
Keep hanging in there. Be tough when you can. It is so easy to put our guard down.
I try to put myself first and my child second. I have told him I have a life.
I'm a slow learner.
You said you feel different...I know what you mean. I think that is good...that is GOD giving you the strength to complete your mission. Decide on your plan and don''t back down. My husband is much better at not putting up with stuff. Stopping the conversation when it is not going in a good direction.
I have to work on that ..I'm a preachy mom trying to sway and convince my son to my rational. I'm like a broken record instead of being matter of factly and not a sympathizer.
I have heard continually past four years that we can not change them that we have to change ourselves and I must say I do believe it. I"M FINALLY GETTING IT! I only wish I would have started the change on myself sooner. There is so much I would do over.
Keep tough...I'll be praying for you.