Fed up

Old 08-08-2011, 06:40 PM
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Fed up

My son today had a very appt that was a condition of him staying in my home he choose to just leave the house with his friend and spend the night away disregarding the appt, his family, everything, and getting help for himself..............I have never felt this upset at him as I do at this moment in life, he has used and abused us , lied , treated us like doormats and all the while we enabled him to do this to us , when he needed a ride I was there rushing down the highway , when he got arrested I was there to bail him out, we he went crazy because he was on xanax I was running around in the middle of the night searching for him, and so I helped him, we helped him we made things easy for him , why would he stop or change when he knows he can always come home, when mom will always be there . His response to why he left, "Im sorry mom , i tried to ask you nicely to change the appt but you wouldnt listen, and your right i probably should not have left, "....its not good enough ,not anymore , not this time.............why am i running after this adult of 20 years old dragging him back home each and every time, begging him most of the time ...........today I say NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!, i will not enable you, i will not be your dormat and so i told him to consider himself without a home, tonight I feel something different something ive never felt I feel Ive had enough............
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Old 08-08-2011, 07:44 PM
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It sounds like you finally hit your bottom.

God knows I had to hit mine too, and my 33-year-old AD is not welcome in my home anymore.

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 08-08-2011, 07:50 PM
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One of the things I wrestled with for years was how to deal with my AS's behavior in a manner that didn't make me feel crazy. Often, I was doing all of the things you mentioned and more. I was the poster child for enabling mothers.

Often, when I felt like I had hit the end of my rope, I would do things to "make the insanity stop". But it was usually short lived remedies. Quite honestly, I didn't know what to do or how to do it. I was flailing around sometimes enabling and sometimes doing the "right" stuff. I was inconsistent as heck.

I finally really embraced the reading, studying, meetings, and learning as much about addiction and codependence as I could. This knowledge is what has helped me be more consistent and stable in my interactions with my son. I don't know if it is helping him. I'm doing it for me. And it is helping me and the limited interaction I have with my son is better. It's not great but it's better.

You and your son are in my prayers.

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ke
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Old 08-08-2011, 08:27 PM
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Hi lonelystar. YOU NEED TO STAY DAMN MAD...it makes it a lot easier to not enable when you are mad.
I know what you mean about being treated like a doormat. (Again something we have allowed.) When they are drugging and in withdrawl it seems to be the worst!!
Our son is 22 and we have experienced the same thing over and over again.
In reality we have trained him...or maybe I should say he has trained us. So now we are busy getting untrained!!!
In fact our son was kicked out of his 3/4 house last Tuesday night for supposedly breaking curfew...this is not the first time he has defied the rules. UGH!!!! The counselor told him that if he wanted to come back and talk to him this week he would need to stay clean, go to meetings for the next week and get a new sponsor.
Meanwhile he spent the first couple of nights out on the street then he ended up at a friends who is actually a functioning addict who is doing what he can to get on with his own life.
He has tried to help our son more than once and is seeing that we aren't the unloving parents he had thought we were.
He allowed our son to stay at his apartment at night but would make him leave during the day while he was at work. This friend is literally working his butt off to make ends meet and has barely enough food for himself, no family...in fact his mother lives in a very poor area of the Philipines, his dad lives here but pretty much hasn't been there for his son in years. So this kid has had it rough and had no choice but to get clean on his own.
This friend has tried to reason with our son and talk some sense into his head.
Sunday I spoke with our son briefly and he was all about doing what he wanted to do.

He even went out of his way to tell me on Saturday he got handcuffed for panhandling. The police ran his driver's license then told him panhandling was not allowed then let him go.
This is not the first time he has panhandled and I'm sure any money he got he put towards beer or ???
Today was the last straw for my son's friend. The friend texted me earlier today saying how selfish our son was and he was done helping him and didn't care what he did anymore, that he had to worry about his own sobriety. He was very angry and frustrated that my son had homework to do before returning to the 3/4 house that he did not even attempt to do.
So my son leaves his friend's house.
My husband calls me a bit later to let me know what is going on.
Says our son got to his 2pm appt. an hour late. HECK he had all darned day to get there...he should have walked faster.
Meanwhile the director/counselor did speak to our son. He asked our son about his homework, our son told him he had not done it. This counselor is an ex addict been clean for 20+ years, has a daughter my son's age...so he has a very good read on my son, plus he know's how an addict thinks and throws it right back at my son, plus he is father. So he does have a bit of compassion.
I don't know all the details of what he told my son but I'm sure he was very matter of fact. He told my son that he would not be tested that if he said something he meant it.
So he told our son that he would not be allowed back tonight, that he needed to do what he was told...go to meetings, stay clean and seek a new sponsor...and come back on Wednesday and they could talk, no promises. (Although he told my husband he would probably allow him back.)
The counselor said he could see what looked like fear in our son's eyes. Our son went on to tell the counselor that he had no where to go, no money, no food. The counselor told our son point blank that was not his problem.
Our son said something about panhandeling and the counselor gave him his view on that and how low our son must be to even consider panhandeling, that it was not NORMAL.
He told him to go to a homeless shelter or food kitchen if need be.
The counselor told my husband that our son was so use to the routine of getting what he wanted and that it had become second nature for our son to just expect to get his own way without any consequences.
I must agree...we have always been there in a big way or a small way his entire life!!
He has never had the rug totally pulled out from under him.
So here I sit until Wednesday....I am stressed out but he is resourceful and besides he put himself in this position. I just thank GOD that I am not having to worry about freezing temps. Although I've been told the more uncomfortable they are they better.
I am praying that he will be safe but feel so tired, scared and alone that he decides to change his life for the better.
I think your son sounds a bit like mine. He expects you to be there for him. Why wouldn't you be? You've been the perfect mom his entire life. Making sure he was comfortable and that all his needs were met. I know we had the best intentions...how did it all go so wrong.
Keep hanging in there. Be tough when you can. It is so easy to put our guard down.
I try to put myself first and my child second. I have told him I have a life.
I'm a slow learner.
You said you feel different...I know what you mean. I think that is good...that is GOD giving you the strength to complete your mission. Decide on your plan and don''t back down. My husband is much better at not putting up with stuff. Stopping the conversation when it is not going in a good direction.
I have to work on that ..I'm a preachy mom trying to sway and convince my son to my rational. I'm like a broken record instead of being matter of factly and not a sympathizer.
I have heard continually past four years that we can not change them that we have to change ourselves and I must say I do believe it. I"M FINALLY GETTING IT! I only wish I would have started the change on myself sooner. There is so much I would do over.
Keep tough...I'll be praying for you.
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:48 AM
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Hi LonelyStar: Glad you came back here to vent your frustrations. There are many of us who have gone the route you have with exactly the same story ending.

If you find yourself losing your resolve then come back here and start reading some stuff - read your own stuff. Read the stuff of those recovering from substances. I find that helps me.

I have seen the addict referred to as King Baby. I thought that was pretty accurate. Here they are running through life like a Mack truck in a china shop, and here we are jumping at their every request or running after them trying to keep them from breaking anything (including themselves). They just look our way, and we are right there ready to grant them every request (heck, they don't even need to ask - we can sense what is going to happen next and try to ease their pain). In other words, they say "jump," and we say, "how high?"

But it took me a while to have the courage to say "no" to my son and stick to it.

Glad you're here. It takes courage to change. Your Robert Frost line really fits what you are going through right now.
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Old 08-09-2011, 06:51 AM
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He knows your buttons and will press them all to preserve his addiction.

It's likely, he's going to take the gloves off and will make some desperate phone calls and threats in the very near future. His dead end lifestyle is his choice. All choices have consequences. Give him the gift of dignity to experiencing consequences, instead of rescuing him.

No is a complete sentance. No, because....opens the door to negotiations. And then you both loose.
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Old 08-09-2011, 07:53 AM
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yes I too have that feeling that alot of phone calls and threats are going to be made I just have to keep myself focused on gaining my strenght and seeing what the right thing is to do, I think what im feeling now is trying to detach although there are still threads there that tug at my heart
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Old 08-09-2011, 07:58 AM
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Detaching, with love, takes practice.

Motherhood is not for weenies.
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Old 08-09-2011, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by lonelystar View Post
yes I too have that feeling that alot of phone calls and threats are going to be made I just have to keep myself focused on gaining my strenght and seeing what the right thing is to do, I think what im feeling now is trying to detach although there are still threads there that tug at my heart
I have found that the key to interaction of any type with my son depends upon me keeping grounded and sane.....not allowing his behavior to influence my own. And if things (his words or actions) get to out of whack, I explain that I can't talk to him when he's like this and I disengage (hang up or leave).

Those strings that tug at our hearts will always be there. We just can't allow the addict in our lives to use them like a puppeteer.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:08 PM
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just an update and was wondering I someone can offer any advice if i am doing what is right . Something shocking has happened , I have not let my son come home he has been holed up with his gf, which is another story altogether and not a good one, but he has been calling me, just to see what im doing , how everyone is and i mentioned today that i have a place to take him where they deal with mental/substance abuse problems and to my shock he did not deny or yell or tell me he did not have a problem with drugs which until he has denied vehemenantly, and so he is willing to go I dont know how things will go once we are there this is a first for him in dealing with this kind of setting and honestly i dont have my hopes up there is a long long road ahead , but am i right in offering him another chance , isnt that what im supposed to be doing , offering the help but not supporting what hes doing ????, i dont know anymore i thought id let him live on the streets a bit to see what life is like but he said he will go , this is all so confusing....thanks for reading and any help is welcomed
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Old 08-09-2011, 06:45 PM
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LonelyStar: It could be his addict brain trying to manipulate you into letting him back home.

Take him up on it. Drive him there if he would like you to. I would caution against being his only ride for things. Recovery is his to tackle, and that includes asking other people in recovery for rides, or walking, or talking the bus.

My advice is to be on the lookout for, "Can I come home because ______." It's been pretty quick for him to hit a bottom, but you never know.
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Old 08-10-2011, 04:51 AM
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I would keep in mind that he is an adult, if he can figure out how to get drugs he can figure out how to get to rehab and he is going to have to want it, your wanting it for him will accomplish nothing.

See no harm in giving it a shot, however, keep your antennas up, addicts are very good actors and can be very convincing.

Hope this all works out as you have it planned.
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Old 08-10-2011, 05:14 AM
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If he is willing to go, get him there....and let him do the rest. The recovery part is up to him.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 08-10-2011, 05:54 AM
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I did that with my AS and he walked out of rehab. I found that they play the game to get us to let down our guard. Then were right back in the same situation. The fact is if he wants help he will find it.
If we do all the work we are just doing it to make ourselves feel better, that at least we are doing something to help. But we are just prolonging the time it takes for them to decide they don't want that kind of a life. I found that they always turned back to me when they couldn't afford or find the drugs.

You can give him a list of place to find help but you can't make him want it.
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Old 08-10-2011, 06:12 AM
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I agree with the others. It would do no harm in getting him there.
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