One of the things I wrestled with for years was how to deal with my AS's behavior in a manner that didn't make me feel crazy. Often, I was doing all of the things you mentioned and more. I was the poster child for enabling mothers.
Often, when I felt like I had hit the end of my rope, I would do things to "make the insanity stop". But it was usually short lived remedies. Quite honestly, I didn't know what to do or how to do it. I was flailing around sometimes enabling and sometimes doing the "right" stuff. I was inconsistent as heck.
I finally really embraced the reading, studying, meetings, and learning as much about addiction and codependence as I could. This knowledge is what has helped me be more consistent and stable in my interactions with my son. I don't know if it is helping him. I'm doing it for me. And it is helping me and the limited interaction I have with my son is better. It's not great but it's better.
You and your son are in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke