artist83

I know that this is a bit personal, but I feel like I need to share it with someone, and I only feel comfortable sharing this with members of this site/forum. You have all been so supportive, and I feel that all of you will give me your honest opinions about this, which is definitely what I need right now.

Yesterday, after walking in on my boyfriend shooting up Oxycontin yet again, I left the house. I needed to physically and mentally remove myself from the situation so that I wouldn't react in an unhealthy, self-destructive manner. The only boundary I have been strong enough to set was to physically leave the situation and to continue to detach from him when he shoots up or is high, and I followed through. I stayed away for 4 hours, thinking of what to do next, what to say to him.

After I returned home, I didn't talk to him much but let him know that I WAS NOT OKAY. We had plans to go to his parents' house to eat dinner and visit his daughter, and although I wanted to stay home and be as far away from him as possible, I went anyway. I love his family, and I won't hurt his daughter because of his addiction, so I took one for the team and went with him. After seeing his daughter's eyes light up when I walked in, I was much better. I love that little girl with all my heart, and I'm glad that I got to spend time with her.

After we got home, I went to take a shower, and when I came back into the living room, my boyfriend gave me a letter he had written while I was showering. He said sometimes it is difficult for him to put how he feels into words and by writing, he was able to express everything he was feeling.

Here is what he said in the letter:

Dear "Artist"

I just want to let you know that I love you more than anything or anyone in the world. First of all, I wish that you could see that you are the most caring, loving person in the world and would give yourself credit for who you are. Because you are the best, and nothing is wrong with you, other than you care about other people more than yourself. I know that when I needed someone most in my life, you came into it and showed me something that I have never seen or felt in years from another woman. And that was love, compassion, care, and most of all someone who did not judge me for my past.

I know that it seemed as if I did not want to let you in at first, but to tell you the truth, I did not know what to think. But I am glad that I did because you have taught me so many things and the main one is how to love again, which I did not think was possible. I know that I have a lot to improve on, but you have stood by my side no matter what, so I know you love me unconditionally and just want to see the best for me, the best for us in the future and not dwell on the past.

I am trying, maybe not hard enough, but do not plan on giving up on what we have because someone and something this special only comes by once in a lifetime, and I know we will make it. I know it's going to take some very hard work on my part, but I realized that we have something special, so special that it will be worth it to have a family with you, a family with all of the same qualities as you have. I enjoy every minute I spend with you and know that I can count on you for any and everything.

I know you think you have to save everyone, including me, but some things people have to do on their own, with a little help from others, so please do not beat yourself up about so much. I know you love me and I know you are a great girlfriend who does make me happy, and even though you may think you don't, you have made me so very happy. I do not know where I would be without you.

I know how it feels to think that everything is against you and that nothing good will ever happen, but things can change, and what changed for me was "Artist", a loving, compassionate, caring woman who made me feel so special and loved. That day, little did I know, my life, heart, and soul still had a chance.

I will love you always,

"Addict"

Reading this was a bit overwhelming for me. Of course I cried my eyes out, but I'm not sure if the tears were happy or painful. I've been feeling worthless, like I don't have enough to give him, enough to help him through this. I never knew his feelings for me ran that deep, that he truly loved me. But I'm still not sure what to believe. It is so hard for me to trust him, and I want to believe that every word in that letter is true, but I'm still scared. I don't want to open myself up completely to someone, allow myself to be vulnerable, and then have it all taken away. I'm not sure I could handle that.

Does anyone have any insight for me after reading his letter? Does it seem like he is being honest, finally opening himself up to me? Or is it all a ploy to make me forget about his addiction?