Letter From My Addict

Old 08-08-2011, 06:57 PM
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Unhappy Letter From My Addict

I know that this is a bit personal, but I feel like I need to share it with someone, and I only feel comfortable sharing this with members of this site/forum. You have all been so supportive, and I feel that all of you will give me your honest opinions about this, which is definitely what I need right now.

Yesterday, after walking in on my boyfriend shooting up Oxycontin yet again, I left the house. I needed to physically and mentally remove myself from the situation so that I wouldn't react in an unhealthy, self-destructive manner. The only boundary I have been strong enough to set was to physically leave the situation and to continue to detach from him when he shoots up or is high, and I followed through. I stayed away for 4 hours, thinking of what to do next, what to say to him.

After I returned home, I didn't talk to him much but let him know that I WAS NOT OKAY. We had plans to go to his parents' house to eat dinner and visit his daughter, and although I wanted to stay home and be as far away from him as possible, I went anyway. I love his family, and I won't hurt his daughter because of his addiction, so I took one for the team and went with him. After seeing his daughter's eyes light up when I walked in, I was much better. I love that little girl with all my heart, and I'm glad that I got to spend time with her.

After we got home, I went to take a shower, and when I came back into the living room, my boyfriend gave me a letter he had written while I was showering. He said sometimes it is difficult for him to put how he feels into words and by writing, he was able to express everything he was feeling.

Here is what he said in the letter:

Dear "Artist"

I just want to let you know that I love you more than anything or anyone in the world. First of all, I wish that you could see that you are the most caring, loving person in the world and would give yourself credit for who you are. Because you are the best, and nothing is wrong with you, other than you care about other people more than yourself. I know that when I needed someone most in my life, you came into it and showed me something that I have never seen or felt in years from another woman. And that was love, compassion, care, and most of all someone who did not judge me for my past.

I know that it seemed as if I did not want to let you in at first, but to tell you the truth, I did not know what to think. But I am glad that I did because you have taught me so many things and the main one is how to love again, which I did not think was possible. I know that I have a lot to improve on, but you have stood by my side no matter what, so I know you love me unconditionally and just want to see the best for me, the best for us in the future and not dwell on the past.

I am trying, maybe not hard enough, but do not plan on giving up on what we have because someone and something this special only comes by once in a lifetime, and I know we will make it. I know it's going to take some very hard work on my part, but I realized that we have something special, so special that it will be worth it to have a family with you, a family with all of the same qualities as you have. I enjoy every minute I spend with you and know that I can count on you for any and everything.

I know you think you have to save everyone, including me, but some things people have to do on their own, with a little help from others, so please do not beat yourself up about so much. I know you love me and I know you are a great girlfriend who does make me happy, and even though you may think you don't, you have made me so very happy. I do not know where I would be without you.

I know how it feels to think that everything is against you and that nothing good will ever happen, but things can change, and what changed for me was "Artist", a loving, compassionate, caring woman who made me feel so special and loved. That day, little did I know, my life, heart, and soul still had a chance.

I will love you always,

"Addict"


Reading this was a bit overwhelming for me. Of course I cried my eyes out, but I'm not sure if the tears were happy or painful. I've been feeling worthless, like I don't have enough to give him, enough to help him through this. I never knew his feelings for me ran that deep, that he truly loved me. But I'm still not sure what to believe. It is so hard for me to trust him, and I want to believe that every word in that letter is true, but I'm still scared. I don't want to open myself up completely to someone, allow myself to be vulnerable, and then have it all taken away. I'm not sure I could handle that.

Does anyone have any insight for me after reading his letter? Does it seem like he is being honest, finally opening himself up to me? Or is it all a ploy to make me forget about his addiction?
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Old 08-08-2011, 07:09 PM
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My only comment is: Those are words only, where is the action to support the words?

My exabf has written me many letters all filled with what I wanted to hear to keep me in his life, his web of manipulation.

Until he stops using and gets into a strong recovery program I personally would not put too much stock in his letter.

Just my two cents.
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Old 08-08-2011, 07:18 PM
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just after my mom and I had a serious talk about my frustration with them even allowing him in their house, and around my niece, and talking about confronting my brother finally and making him face consequences, she seemed like she agreed with me and saw that what i was saying was true. the next day she sends me this email:

"Hi,

your brother just called sounding very chipper, said "Thank you and Dad for everything. I feel like this is the beginning of some good days ahead. I appreciate you letting me come there, I love spending time with the baby, and I am feeling good about the future."

Now she wonders if confronting him would be the right thing cause he looks like he wants to change.

Ive seen that as soon as my brother thinks we're "on to him" he starts coming around more and acting more family oriented as if he has something to prove.

its manipulation. every time. at least that's my experience when its my brother.

Im sorry to see you going through that much pain. Seems to me, unless he wrote this and then got himself right into treatment within the same day, like manipulation.
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Old 08-08-2011, 07:37 PM
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I can't tell you whether or not he is sincere. I can share what I have learned.
  • My love can't cure my son.
  • Love couldn't cure my exhusband.
  • My ex told me that he loved me so much that he would kill himself if I left him. I stayed for five miserable years.
  • Words are easy. Action has substance.

Those are my lessons and we each have the opportunity to learn our own lessons. Time will tell whether he intends to stop using or if he is simply using words to manipulate you into sticking around. Addicts are pretty resourceful.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 08-08-2011, 07:44 PM
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I don't know what to think anymore. It pains me to think that he just wrote that letter to manipulate me. I guess I was hoping that he was being sincere, that he does love me that much. But that's why I asked for insight from people who have been there before - I just didn't get the answers that I wanted to hear

Trust me, just because he wrote me a letter telling me how special I am to him does not mean that I'm going to let all of this go. I'm NOT OKAY, and I won't be until he gets the help he needs to recover from his addiction. But I've made the choice to stay in this relationship, because my feelings are genuine, I do love him with all of my heart. He is a wonderful, beautiful person with an extremely dangerous addiction. I have accepted that I cannot make him change and that I am powerless over his addiction. So, I'm moving onto the next step - believing that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I'm letting go and taking care of ME, and I am letting God back into my life to guide me through my own recovery.
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Old 08-08-2011, 07:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post

Those are my lessons and we each have the opportunity to learn our own lessons.
Thanks for these words. I know that regardless of what anyone says, I have to make my own choices and learn from those choices. I just hope that he learns from his own mistakes before it is too late.
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Old 08-08-2011, 08:28 PM
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artist83

My hook in my relationship was letters and moments like what you received.

My A was unable to express himself clearly or well most of the time, and real emotion seemed to come up when he would drink. I was working my own recovery at the time and I knew talking or writing about "feelings" were important for my recovery, so they must be for him too I figured.

It took me awhile to see a big difference though. While I was talking and working out my feelings I was not under the influence.

I don't think that means that those words were not said or written were not true. I think they were from his core, but as time went on I needed him to access them at other times too, not only when he was drinking. I needed him to be able to remember them and share them with me the next day. I needed to see behavior that backed up those words. I think he loved me the best he could. I know that. In the end though I needed him to love himself enough to get the help he needed.

I would not trade one moment of my relationship that got me here. I am right where I need to be and learning what I need to learn. My guess is you are too.
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Old 08-08-2011, 11:12 PM
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Liferecovery - thank you for your kind words. I know I asked for honest opinions here, but it is nice to hear words of understanding and empathy sometimes.
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Old 08-09-2011, 04:11 AM
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If he would only love himslef as much as he loves you
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Old 08-09-2011, 04:45 AM
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Emotions are a dime a dozen. They flee in and just as fast flee out.

Hell is paved with good intentions never acted upon.

Give yourself some time to see how his words play out.
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Old 08-09-2011, 06:25 AM
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My take is that the letter is his way of keeping you hooked to your drug- that would be him.

If I recall, you spent 7 years in a relationship with another addict and here you are, once again, doing the codependent cha-cha. Sounds like a pattern to me.

Regardless of what you do or not, his addiction is going to get worse because it's progressive. Given he's " slammin pills", jumping off into heroin is likely just around the bend.

Protect your SSN, valuables and credit cards. Double up on the ole birth control because a baby does not snap anyone out of addiction.

Continue with therapy cause there are reasons why you are choosing broken men. Back when, the more I fixated on my daughter and her problems the less I focused on myself and my problems, including my need to rescue and fix her.
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Old 08-09-2011, 06:51 AM
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His letter to you expresses his love for you and his actions will show you his love for you is real--or not real. If he truly believes what he has written then he will get help for his addiction. Insist that he does so. If he wont, then you know who means more to him--you or his addiction. Then face the truth of whichever love he shows you is his true love (you or drugs). What do you want to do if he continues to choose using drugs over his love for you? Maybe he'll choose you if you make it clear you are the only option in order to stay in your relationship with him. It's up to you to decide what you can live with.
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Old 08-09-2011, 07:14 AM
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I don't buy into the whole me vs. drugs thing.

We codependents have this way of making someone else's problems all about us. The BF's addiction is not personal. It just feels that way, right now.

This relationship is not an accident Two broken people chose each other because codependency and addiction/alcoholism go hand in hand.

I mean, what's the use of being a codependent unless we are tangled up with someone with serious problems that we can't fix.
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Old 08-09-2011, 07:23 AM
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We can't live in the past and we can't live in the future. What if's are totally useless. He is what he is...an addict. Either you're willing to live with an addict or you aren't. It really is that simple. Whether or not he gets help has absolutely nothing to do with you or whether you stay or go.
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Old 08-09-2011, 08:13 AM
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Artist I can definately see that he pulls at your heart strings and I hope and pray that his words are genuine for your sake. I am sure you are all the things he said you are in his letter. He is right the work he needs to do is his alone to do. Its his choice and his job to do it. If he doesn't want to lose himself or lose you then he will. Just as its his choice to do the work its your choice what you can handle and what you will live with. He has choices and decisions to make and so do you. He can turn this around if he wants too. HE can do it.. Hold on to how that letter makes you feel and tr to feel that way about yourself. Love yourself and maybe him enough to take care of you. I believe you will do what is best for you when you are ready to make those decisions whatever they might be.
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Old 08-09-2011, 08:33 AM
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I have to agree ... My A does the same stuff. It's a hook. Not saying that he's being disingenuous, but I agree with the others..
It really doesn't matter how "sincere" he's being.
What matters is can YOU deal with someone who is actively using, even if they love you.

I think it was smart of you to post on here and I appreciate your posts artist.
I think, though, the fact that you are unsure about how to feel about this should tell you something...

I also think actions do speak louder than words...you know what his actions are telling you.

What are your actions telling him?
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Old 08-09-2011, 08:34 AM
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I really think you and I are personality twins, artist. It's SO difficult to turn your back on someone who needs you. It's even more difficult to basically say "who cares about how you feel about ME". We all want to be loved and adored. It's hard to disassociate yourself from his words because they are about you, and none of us know him like you do. But, as a person on the outside looking in, his words sound manipulative. He knows you're codependent. He's feeding off of it. He's giving you just enough to keep you holding on and begging for more. Ask yourself, "What am I getting out of this relationship?"
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Old 08-09-2011, 08:39 AM
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I've been feeling worthless, like I don't have enough to give him, enough to help him through this. I never knew his feelings for me ran that deep, that he truly loved me. But I'm still not sure what to believe. It is so hard for me to trust him, and I want to believe that every word in that letter is true, but I'm still scared.

hi-

you have some great stuff on this thread. in someways there is nothing anyone says that can change or direct your thoughts and actions. i posted month after month fishing for answers i wanted to hear. although at the time i didn't realize that was what i was doing. i am not saying this is true for you. but what is true is that i shared that same confusion and uncertainty.

so, i spent a year tangled up in this. i tried everything possible, every approach, kindness, sternness, let her stay, dont let her stay. believe her, dont believe her. everything. i did the legwork finding detox, rehab for her, i stopped so she could do it for herself. the point is, you cannot turn this around on yourself. i beat myself up trying to figure out what more I could do. after her having several chances at detox and opportunities to be in programs, i started to see that she wasn't doing anything. now after a big move and having a great chance to start over, she returned to the life. there is NOTHING i can do about that, and there is NOTHING more that you need to give. NOTHING. you are clearly not lacking in the giving department, neither am i , and that is why i am saying to you, that people can tell you all of this, but inside it does not sit right and you try again and again, because you want so much to give and help. its a tough situation, and only through time and experience can you begin to see things ina different light.

as for the letter. good pints were made about it being all warm and fuzzy AFTER the shot. there is truth there. before a couple detox attempts, she would write me similar letters. i am not doubting the sincerity of there being deep embedded feelings there, but what happens is that the other stuff sort of overrides those feelings. it is similar to how addicts do not like themselves for being addicts. they say to themselves, one last time or that's it, next monday i am quitting, etc. i think deep down they wish they werent living that life, but the weight it too great to carry. i believe my alo loves me, but i also see that she is unable to love now. there are so many variable and personalities. i'd like to say- your bf loves you, but has to deal with this first. hell, i just realized i said i believe my alo loves me, but i question that at times. does she REALLY love ME or does she love having me as a buoy? i cannot say what your bf feels. i am a sucker for words. i read that letter and say he must love you, but even if he does, you cannot move forward together in this situation. sorry, i just rambled, must be the result of an hour long boring meeting.
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Old 08-09-2011, 02:09 PM
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((Artist))

All I have to say is that I learned for my recovery and the best interest of my heart, mind and emotional welfare - I learned it was best to based my decisions on actions instead of words or best intentions - it's just the healthiest option for everyone involved.

PINK HUGS,
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Old 08-09-2011, 02:37 PM
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Thanks to all of you for giving me your honest opinions. And it amazes me how comfortable I am sharing my feelings with all of you - I guess it's because since I joined this site, you have all been like a family to me. A family who lets you pour your heart out and actually listens to what you are saying without judging you, cares about your well-being, supports you through the tough times, but will still "tell you like it is".

Knowing that there is always someone here to share my feelings with has given me a great deal of strength over the past few weeks, and again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Before I found this site, I was a complete, hopeless mess. But you all have given me the support and stability that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and to do something about my own problems.

Every day I get a bit stronger, a bit wiser, and slowly but surely I am changing. I've just been so afraid of change - I've done so much changing for so many people, whether it be for my parents, friends, or significant other. I have changed to help them, or please them, or make them proud, and it's all been so emotionally exhausting. But I've now accepted that change is good sometimes, and this time I am going to change for MYSELF, for my own health and well-being.

I am going to continue working the 12 steps and doing things that make ME happy. And when my journey has come to an end, I may be a completely different person. But if that new person is happy with her choices, happy with herself, then it will all have been worth it. So from now on, I am focusing on ME and the changes I need to make to free myself from the need to solve everyone else's problems, the need to put everyone else's lives before my own.
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