Hugs, Duqld1717. Thanks for posting this. I have been putting myself through the ringer on this one for so long. Pretty much since I left him 3 years ago (2 yrs before he found his current enabler). My question was (OK sometimes IS) always a version of "What is it about me that let him do this?"
It's so, so hard to realize that it's not about me. Not to him, any way.
When I am honest with myself, I can concede that while the initial stages of our relationship weren't all that smooth, there were many times when he was a great guy. At least at the beginning, the Great Guy made more appearances than the Real Guy.
The Great Guy was around because sometimes he is that guy and sometimes he was around because he felt I was getting ready to walk away, because, sh-t, the other side of his personality was an a--.
It's just the way XAAH is. He's 44 years old. He's not gonna change without A LOT of introspection, admitting to responsibility and hard work on his part. The Real Guy is still there, I can see him in the stunts he pulls. Just because the new girl decides to ignore the Real Guy, or to blame his actions on me, doesn't mean that's the truth.
His act is falling apart - until he starts working on his issues, it always will.
What is hard for me is learning to focus on ME. I deserve so much more than this. I deserve to not look over my shoulder. I deserve to be with a partner who doesn't make me think "What about me makes him treat me like sh-t?" I deserve to be with a partner who shares at least some of the same values as I do, who respects my right to have a difference of opinion, who respects my individuality. H-ll I deserve a partner who loves me BECAUSE of my individuality. I'm starting to see that I am a pretty amazing person.
You know that you deserve it too, right?