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Do they treat the next girl better?

Old 08-07-2011, 04:23 PM
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Do they treat the next girl better?

Hi Everyone! I was out and about this weekend and I saw my XABF with his new girlfriend (just from afar and they didn't see me). They seemed happy. I was so miserable with him. I know I don't know what's going on behind closed doors, but is it possible that because I nagged him so much about his drinking that he finally decided to work a program and this new girl is now reaping the benefits of what I did?? I'm sure this sounds silly. I know they only change if and when THEY want to change. I guess great for him if he did seek out help and start a program. I know he is none of my concern anymore but I can't help but wonder. But is this a likely thing that he is wanting to change and be better in his new relationship because I nagged him to death? Any experience with this kind of situation would be great.
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Old 08-07-2011, 04:27 PM
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No, they don't. They don't magically become some new, improved version of something you wished for just because they go and meet another person.

If they seemed happy, they might've been. For that moment. Just as you and he probably were at the beginning.

It's not something you 'did' or 'didn't do' that caused his behavior. None of us is that powerful.
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Old 08-07-2011, 05:03 PM
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Comparing my insides to someone else's outsides is a disservice to myself and the other person.

As skipper already stated, they don't magically become some new improved version.

My old EXABF from decades ago married another alkie/addict, and they are both busy drinking/drugging themselves to death.
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Old 08-07-2011, 05:28 PM
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I'll bet many of us were "the next girl" for someone else, and they asked the same question about us and our alcoholics.

"The next girl" may be treated better, for a time, sure. If were were mistreated in the beginning of the relationship like we were at the end, who would engage in the relationship at all?

Without working some sort of a program to better himself though, the facade will only last so long, and instead it turns into a question of how much will "the next girl" be willing to suffer through before she's done, too. It's the same roller coaster we were on; it's a remake of the same movie, with the same cast but a different leading lady.

You're a smart woman. You already know the answer to this question. It's okay to believe the truth.
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Old 08-07-2011, 06:05 PM
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duqld1717 I just happened upon this board again, I wonder if I wasn't led here to answer you.

I struggled with my AH for 6 years+. In the end I divorced him. We both moved on. I have peeked at his facebook and he is remarried, sober, and has a house in Florida. On the outside it looked really nice and honestly I felt bad. And then we spoke. He is happy with this new woman but he has nothing. He spent himself into a hole of debt. Cashed in his 401k but never thought of the tax consequences and owes the state tens of thousands of dollars. He is doing his best to be happy but he regrets losing our marriage, our stability, and me. The house is hers.

But the more important part is I am far far happier than I was with him. I spent three years single but not alone. I made new friends, started new activities and hobbies. Got a great job. Made my own way in the world. Then one day I met this gorgeous sexy hunk of a man who is sitting in the living room watching Mad Men reruns with me after spending a day at the beach together. I don't kiss him to smell his breath, I kiss him to feel his lips on mine. I don't find cans all over the place. I don't get stressed if he's late because he has a normal reason to be late.

If you do the work on your on head, and learn who you are, and to be your own person, what happens with your ex, good or bad, will be immaterial to you.

You did something good here - you broke free. Now keep free.

xoxo
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Old 08-07-2011, 06:12 PM
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My wife says it is stages.

I can't quote her to well, but it was the nice stage, then the agreeing stage, and then something else, and then the true colors stage.

I have seen it with the neighbor 6 times already, and the point is he never changes if that is any help to put your mind at ease
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Old 08-07-2011, 06:12 PM
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Oh at times how I have struggled with this also. Right near the end of my relationship with my A he got diagnosed with ADD too. I know that there was not enough magical thinking when I was in relationship with him (why it went on so long). So I continued to carry it out afterwards too. At times I was convinced that the meds were making all the difference and the new woman in his life is reaping the benefits.

What helped me with this was remembering that for me the first year was pretty great too, it was after that that my stomach starting pinging with concern. I chose not to listen. I listen a lot better now to my gut.

I hope he is able to find recovery, but it is not a reflection on me, if he does or does not (and it never was). That is his to discover.

My job is to learn what I needed to from my relationship with him and be better for myself so hopefully down the road I can be a better partner for someone else.

Gosh that sounds so simple, but in the moment it can be so hard.
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Old 08-07-2011, 06:27 PM
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Nah, many women are so happy to have a man, any man, that they play lets pretend, they have found the love of their life....then reality sets in.

He is, who he is, this too shall pass!
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Old 08-07-2011, 06:28 PM
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Originally Posted by WantsOut View Post
duqld1717 I just happened upon this board again, I wonder if I wasn't led here to answer you.
Thank you for your post! You inspired me tonight. I cannot wait until I am in the place where you are with someone who is worth my time. And you are right, the grass isn't always greener on the other side for our A's and nothing is ever what it seems on the outside with other people.
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Old 08-07-2011, 07:51 PM
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Thankyou for posting this question duqld. I've often wondered this myself. Thanks to all the replies too. Helps me put it in better persepective...
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Old 08-07-2011, 10:03 PM
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They also looked happy.



duqld..

Keep doing what YOU like, finding out who YOU are, realizing what makes YOUR heart sing... when you are busy living, there's no way you'll torture yourself with such illusions and fantasies about how someone so destructive and toxic can magically become the Nicest Man In The World.

People are not "investments"... they are human beings.

If the man is sober, good for him. If he is still in the road to death, nothing you, or anyone else, can do about it.

You are free dear duqld. Its ok to be free of the past. Its ok to let him go.

There is abundance and good things for YOU, and nothing anyone feels or says or does or has or thinks, robs you of all the wonderful gifts you are given everyday and will be given in the future.

################################################## #######################################

Some great links to put things in perspective (its addressing the "new one")

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...special-i.html

And if this most recent woman doesn't want to see him anymore or even be friends with him, it must be because she is jealous of the wonderful relationship you and HE have! It must be because he dumped her for you, and she's just not big enough to accept that. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the WAY he did things or tried to blame HER for his behavior. It couldn't have anything to do with him LYING to her and using her, and having a hidden agenda of expectations that he told her she just wasn't living up to. Nope. That would be his old M.O. playing out again, and he was a changed man by the time he met you. So it couldn't be THAT.

You're special.



http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...pecial-ii.html

You don't have to worry about that, because you'll never get upset with him, and you'll never challenge him to be honest or to accept responsibility for his actions. SHE did that, and it was "controlling," but it'll be different with you, because you know better. And you won't need to worry about calling him on his behavior anyway, because he'll NEVER lie to YOU. He'll always be completely honest and upfront with you. He won't have to "forget" any promises he made to YOU. If he is inconsiderate, it won't be DELIBERATE, with you. If he lied to her or anyone else, it was because they drove him to it. With you, he won't withhold information, or distort the truth. He won't break fundamental relationship agreements with YOU. He won't HAVE to, because you'll be right there validating him 24/7, supporting him and telling him how he's so CLEVER and BRAVE.

You're special.
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Old 08-07-2011, 10:06 PM
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I too wonder about this. My XAB put me through the ringer. The abuse became insidious and when he got sober he was great. It didn't last very long unfortunately. He always said I was the root of our problems and that he'd never had these issues in past relationships. Being involved with an addict makes your self esteem tank and the fear of them being happy and functional with someone else is rooted in that, IMO.
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Old 08-07-2011, 10:22 PM
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Originally Posted by nicam View Post
Being involved with an addict makes your self esteem tank and the fear of them being happy and functional with someone else is rooted in that, IMO.
I agree..
I also think because I had NO self esteem, I ended up XABF. I subconsciously knew he was going to reinforce the opinion I had of myself.

Its a vicious circle.

Maybe its easier for me because I know the man is still very active in his addiction and the GF is even worse. This makes it easier to let go.

But we all deserve to be free, and move on. My life without toxic people (or limiting contact with toxic people as much as possible) is much more peaceful.


All the best.
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Old 08-07-2011, 10:44 PM
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Hm.. this was thought provoking for me. I thought of my ex, who was a "binge style" alcoholic and daily pothead. Tons of trouble and super irresponsible. She left me for someone 10 years younger than both of us... Before that *I* was the "next girl"; she left a relationship for me. I realized she is just following some sad pattern of using people up then finding the next fresh victim. This girl didn't even know my ex smoked pot - she'd been trying to hide it from her to put on a good face. I used to think what a big surprise the girl was getting when they moved in together! And the messes she will have to clean up, the blame she can take for letting her drink too much the night before... Just like her ex before me tried to warn me about but I was too smitten to listen.

Because this person was so toxic to me then, I could care less what she's doing now b/c I do not invite her into my life.
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Old 08-08-2011, 12:27 PM
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Hugs, Duqld1717. Thanks for posting this. I have been putting myself through the ringer on this one for so long. Pretty much since I left him 3 years ago (2 yrs before he found his current enabler). My question was (OK sometimes IS) always a version of "What is it about me that let him do this?"

It's so, so hard to realize that it's not about me. Not to him, any way.

When I am honest with myself, I can concede that while the initial stages of our relationship weren't all that smooth, there were many times when he was a great guy. At least at the beginning, the Great Guy made more appearances than the Real Guy.

The Great Guy was around because sometimes he is that guy and sometimes he was around because he felt I was getting ready to walk away, because, sh-t, the other side of his personality was an a--.

It's just the way XAAH is. He's 44 years old. He's not gonna change without A LOT of introspection, admitting to responsibility and hard work on his part. The Real Guy is still there, I can see him in the stunts he pulls. Just because the new girl decides to ignore the Real Guy, or to blame his actions on me, doesn't mean that's the truth.

His act is falling apart - until he starts working on his issues, it always will.

What is hard for me is learning to focus on ME. I deserve so much more than this. I deserve to not look over my shoulder. I deserve to be with a partner who doesn't make me think "What about me makes him treat me like sh-t?" I deserve to be with a partner who shares at least some of the same values as I do, who respects my right to have a difference of opinion, who respects my individuality. H-ll I deserve a partner who loves me BECAUSE of my individuality. I'm starting to see that I am a pretty amazing person.

You know that you deserve it too, right?
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Old 08-08-2011, 12:46 PM
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Thanks for posting this question and for all the great responses. I have been chasing this in my mind for the last couple of days and needed the reminder that I was the 'new' girl for a while, my XABF refers to every single woman in his past in the most horrid terms, he is still drinking heavily every day, he is a parasite looking for a new host, my friends and family are talking to me again (now that he is gone), and I am better off right now than I have been since I met him.

I really needed to hear it again as I was starting to fall into the trap of my own mind.
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Old 08-08-2011, 01:01 PM
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Duqld, thanks so much for posting this! This is such a great reminder to me to keep chugging along in my own recovery. Towards the end of our relationship, XABF started casually seeing another girl and officially got together with her ONE week after our "breakup". He is still with her today.

Sometimes I get caught up in thinking about how they appear happy too, when I see things on facebook and what not. But the reality is that nothing has changed for him. She is a hostage. A poor naive girl that has never been in a relationship and is almost 6 years his minor. She is easy to reel in. By focusing his energy on her and breeding off of everything she is putting into him, he is sidestepping his own issues. He is not dealing with the fallout of our own breakup let alone working on his recovery.

At the end of the day you have to keep in mind that we got out of those toxic relationships for very real, valid reasons. They may seem to fade overtime but like was said before you can't forget not to compare your insides to his outsides. And it definitely seems like on the inside he is probably just as tumultuous as when you left.
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Old 08-08-2011, 01:11 PM
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[QUOTE=anvilhead;3064034]
pretty much EVERYTHING ELSE is conjecture.
is it not?
QUOTE]

Yes. I assumed since they weren't fighting in that moment and were smiling, that they have a good relationship. But I know that is presumptuous of me and there is more to it than that. I don't know what is going on the rest of the time. I guess its my biggest fear that he changed and I went through everything I did in vain. But you are right, I do need to let him be happy if he is happy and not concern myself with it. I'm just ready for my good things to come because I am a deserving, kind person and if anyone deserves happiness its me. I've went through alot. For what he did to me, I will never understand the universe and how it lets someone so evil be led to ANOTHER person. Especially when there are people like me and alot of people on this forum who are deserving and have such a hard time meeting another good person.


You know that you deserve it too, right? -theuncertaintly
Yes. I know I do. I do all the work and I leave it up to my HP. I'm a good person. I'm just waiting on the universe to align with me.
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Old 08-08-2011, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty View Post
H-ll I deserve a partner who loves me BECAUSE of my individuality. I'm starting to see that I am a pretty amazing person.
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Old 08-08-2011, 02:26 PM
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Originally Posted by bruingirl View Post
Duqld, thanks so much for posting this! This is such a great reminder to me to keep chugging along in my own recovery. Towards the end of our relationship, XABF started casually seeing another girl and officially got together with her ONE week after our "breakup". He is still with her today.
bruingirl XABF did the very SAME thing. And the girl is also very young, without family here either.

When at some point I believe "oh how happy they are" I remember how we were going somewhere and the girl was going to meet us at someone else's house. XABF had a car and was able to drive and he NEVER offered to go get her.

She was on her way taking buses, walking at night, etc.

He was sitting there drinking and whining about how it was getting late and we had to wait for her.


And to think I was this guy's girlfriend at the time (what was I thinking??)



Even people making efforts to change take months or years, someone who does not believe he has to change (much less taking any action) is the same person (no wait, worse) period. I see this from my point of view: I went out with like 10 guys, I was no better with the next one either. I was just a more pathetic, sadder, more codependent, more confused version of myself.

When I asked my therapist about why men can't seem to spend much time single, she said that its due to unresolved Mommy issues. (Just like I was going from bf to bf, now that I am resolving Daddy issues I no longer "need" a partner to try to fix my issues and inevitably fail again).

I am the one moving on because I am becoming free of the painful past. Knowing this helped me take me out of the "those people know how to live life and I am a failure" thoughts that enslaved me for too long.
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