Where did "I" go - My story...
Ok, I am hoping that after typing this I will feel better. I'm still not even sure if I'll post it or not, but I think the process of getting my story on paper will give me some perspective. Currently I am a 40 yr old mother of an adorable 3 year old girl. I am happily married, with a husband who adores me. I live in a nice home near the beach. Basically many would say I 'have it all'. Well, I do, but the 'all' currently includes an unhealthy relationship with booze.
It was not always this way. I didn't start developing a problem until about a year ago. I was always a pretty moderate drinker beginning in college. Mostly a weekend and social drinker. When I became pregnant in July 2007, I was thrilled, especially after having had a previous miscarriage and being 35 (an oldie!). I had no problem completely cutting out the booze during the pregnancy. I decided at that time to leave my high paying, high profile, exciting executive position that I had held for nearly 10 years to be a stay at home mom. At least until my daughter started school. I had a happy pregnancy with no issues. After my daughter was born, I suffered from mild postpartum depression for about the 1st 3 months after bringing her home. That seemed to resolve itself (or so I thought) and the next 9 months were happy, hectic but happy.
Then, right around the time my daughter turned 1, I started really missing my old job and life. I was so used to doing whatever I wanted, when I wanted. I was used to world wind travel, big parties, galas, conferences. When the struggle of just getting through the day with a newborn ended, I was able to start thinking about all of the things I was missing. Please don't get me wrong, I love being home with my girl and I love being a mom. I just couldn't get the longing for my old way of life out of my mind. That is when I discovered that a glass of wine in the afternoon would help me to slide through the evening and help numb that little resentful voice.
It doesn't help that my husband's life hasn't changed in the slightest. Don't get me wrong, he is a great Dad and provider, but he still does exactly the same things he always did. I handle 90% of the care of my child. Currently, he is the sole financial provider for the family, but I still can't help but feel a little jealous that basically his daily life hasn't changed that much, and my every waking (and sleeping!) moment is controlled by someone else.
So anyway, back to that wine. About a year ago, I started drinking a glass of wine in the afternoon, most days. Then, to add to that, my husband and I started to drink a bit more on the weekends as a 'treat'. I believe that's how this all started. About a month after we had escalated our drinking, and I was indulging in afternoon wine, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I was devastated. Unfortunately for me, I had to stay extra strong for her. My mom has always been the 'go to' person. If I was sad, or lonely or just needed someone to talk to, she was the one. But now, I simply couldn't burden her. On top of it all, she has suffered with depression for 30 years. So now I didn't have anyone to confide in. My husband is sweet, but he's a bit self centered and hard to REALLY open up to with my deepest thoughts. That's when I started drinking 2 glasses of wine in the afternoon and so on from there.
By the time I hit the holiday season I was drinking 2-3 glasses of wine or 2 'double shot' mixed drinks nearly every night, and much more during the weekend. I don't believe there was one day from Thanksgiving to just last week that I didn't have at least 1 drink a day, and was drinking to the point of 'forgetting' exactly what I did before going to bed at least 1 night a week.
SOOOOO, last week I decided I needed this to stop before I could never go back. I really want to go back to being able to drink a few glasses of wine with a great meal or a margarita at the cantina on the weekends without feeling the need to keep on going. Luckily I have always been a healthy person, I eat right and exercise nearly every day (even hungover!). People think I am the picture of health. I feel like I am learning to enjoy the time I am spending with my daughter instead of thinking about 'what I'm missing', and that makes me happy. I think I was lucky to have found this community,and I will use you all as my confidants if you don't mind!
I wanted to share my story because I think there are A LOT of us out there, older, SAHMs who have left rewarding careers to raise their kids and who are struggling with losing a little of themselves. There are so many of us out there using a bottle of wine to get through the day. There are so many of us drowning in guilt about our feelings. There are so many of us that think we are bad moms. There are so many of us missing the beauty in each day. We are not alone, and we can find a way to be good to ourselves and our families. We deserve it.
If you've made it through all of this so far, thank you for caring enough to finish.