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Where did "I" go - My story...

Old 08-06-2011, 08:31 AM
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Where did "I" go - My story...

Ok, I am hoping that after typing this I will feel better. I'm still not even sure if I'll post it or not, but I think the process of getting my story on paper will give me some perspective. Currently I am a 40 yr old mother of an adorable 3 year old girl. I am happily married, with a husband who adores me. I live in a nice home near the beach. Basically many would say I 'have it all'. Well, I do, but the 'all' currently includes an unhealthy relationship with booze.

It was not always this way. I didn't start developing a problem until about a year ago. I was always a pretty moderate drinker beginning in college. Mostly a weekend and social drinker. When I became pregnant in July 2007, I was thrilled, especially after having had a previous miscarriage and being 35 (an oldie!). I had no problem completely cutting out the booze during the pregnancy. I decided at that time to leave my high paying, high profile, exciting executive position that I had held for nearly 10 years to be a stay at home mom. At least until my daughter started school. I had a happy pregnancy with no issues. After my daughter was born, I suffered from mild postpartum depression for about the 1st 3 months after bringing her home. That seemed to resolve itself (or so I thought) and the next 9 months were happy, hectic but happy.

Then, right around the time my daughter turned 1, I started really missing my old job and life. I was so used to doing whatever I wanted, when I wanted. I was used to world wind travel, big parties, galas, conferences. When the struggle of just getting through the day with a newborn ended, I was able to start thinking about all of the things I was missing. Please don't get me wrong, I love being home with my girl and I love being a mom. I just couldn't get the longing for my old way of life out of my mind. That is when I discovered that a glass of wine in the afternoon would help me to slide through the evening and help numb that little resentful voice.

It doesn't help that my husband's life hasn't changed in the slightest. Don't get me wrong, he is a great Dad and provider, but he still does exactly the same things he always did. I handle 90% of the care of my child. Currently, he is the sole financial provider for the family, but I still can't help but feel a little jealous that basically his daily life hasn't changed that much, and my every waking (and sleeping!) moment is controlled by someone else.

So anyway, back to that wine. About a year ago, I started drinking a glass of wine in the afternoon, most days. Then, to add to that, my husband and I started to drink a bit more on the weekends as a 'treat'. I believe that's how this all started. About a month after we had escalated our drinking, and I was indulging in afternoon wine, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I was devastated. Unfortunately for me, I had to stay extra strong for her. My mom has always been the 'go to' person. If I was sad, or lonely or just needed someone to talk to, she was the one. But now, I simply couldn't burden her. On top of it all, she has suffered with depression for 30 years. So now I didn't have anyone to confide in. My husband is sweet, but he's a bit self centered and hard to REALLY open up to with my deepest thoughts. That's when I started drinking 2 glasses of wine in the afternoon and so on from there.

By the time I hit the holiday season I was drinking 2-3 glasses of wine or 2 'double shot' mixed drinks nearly every night, and much more during the weekend. I don't believe there was one day from Thanksgiving to just last week that I didn't have at least 1 drink a day, and was drinking to the point of 'forgetting' exactly what I did before going to bed at least 1 night a week.

SOOOOO, last week I decided I needed this to stop before I could never go back. I really want to go back to being able to drink a few glasses of wine with a great meal or a margarita at the cantina on the weekends without feeling the need to keep on going. Luckily I have always been a healthy person, I eat right and exercise nearly every day (even hungover!). People think I am the picture of health. I feel like I am learning to enjoy the time I am spending with my daughter instead of thinking about 'what I'm missing', and that makes me happy. I think I was lucky to have found this community,and I will use you all as my confidants if you don't mind!

I wanted to share my story because I think there are A LOT of us out there, older, SAHMs who have left rewarding careers to raise their kids and who are struggling with losing a little of themselves. There are so many of us out there using a bottle of wine to get through the day. There are so many of us drowning in guilt about our feelings. There are so many of us that think we are bad moms. There are so many of us missing the beauty in each day. We are not alone, and we can find a way to be good to ourselves and our families. We deserve it.

If you've made it through all of this so far, thank you for caring enough to finish.
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Old 08-06-2011, 11:24 AM
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I could have written your post, minus the quitting my job to have a baby. It certainly is insidious -- and amazing how working out every day makes it seem impossible for others to believe you're an alcoholic. Despite my wine at night I still always got up at 6am to hit the gym!

Personally it's been a lot easier for me to quit drinking entirely than worry about what is an "okay" amount, but you will find your own path. Welcome!

GG
--NOT an "oldie" at 37--
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Old 08-06-2011, 02:41 PM
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I also could have written your post. When I stayed at home with my daughter, I thought I was going to go crazy. That's also when I started drinking heavily. Unfortunately, when I went back to work it didn't stop....it got better. My position was recently eliminated...making it worse. I think thats my biggest problem. I've had my teaching credential for 3 years and I still am just substitute teaching and taking long-term assignments - nothing under contract.

Maybe you should consider going back to work part-time - if it's possible. I fully understand how motherhood makes people feel like they've lost their individuality. It did the same for me. I wasn't Amanda anymore, I was Ava's mom. I love being a mother and I love my child more than anything, but I understand how you fee. I also resented my husband because his life seemed unaffected. We've had some marital issues and I've basically told him exactly how I feel and he's gotten better about helping out. If you haven't already, tell him how you feel. I know you said it's difficult for you, but he needs to know before you really start resenting him and possibly fall apart.

As for drinking responsibly. That would of course be my goal, but I always seem to get in the habit of daily drinking and even getting drunk most nights after my daughter goes to sleep. I think it depends on whether or not you're really an alcoholic. I've had many dependency issues, so I think for me it's all or nothing, but you can be different!
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Old 08-06-2011, 02:58 PM
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Welcome...

I never knew what drink or which day slid me into active alcoholism.
External circumstances had nothing to do with it.
The final 5 years I drank depression was daily.

After my doctor diagnosed me with situational depression...he suggested I abstain and connect to my local AA.
I've been doing both for many years...and it's working great...

All my best to the 3 of you...please do keep posting
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Old 08-06-2011, 03:09 PM
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to SR.
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Old 08-08-2011, 08:00 AM
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Thanks everyone for the support and for caring enough to read that whole long post. I would really like to find some part time work. About a year ago I decided to go back to school to get an AA in Paralegal Studies to supplement my BA in journalism. That was great for me, because even though the classes were "online", I was still able to interact with grown up, intelligent adults. I did very well controlling my drinking then and graduated with honors. After classes were completed however, I started back up with daily, heavy drinking. A few weeks ago I decided to put a plan together. I would absolutely not drink anything M, T and Th. I would allow myself 1 glass of wine on W and no more than 3 drinks on each of F,S and S. I know that doesn't sound like quitting 'hard core' but it is MUCH better than I had been doing. I was able to stick to the plan for the past 2 weeks. Honestly, up until 2 weeks ago I couldn't tell you the last day I had absolutely no alcohol. Now I have had 6 AF days in 2 weeks and GREATLY cut back consumption on the other days in half. My next step will be to cut out Wednesdays and then Sundays. I am on to week 3 of my plan and am feeling pretty good. I still find myself waking up a bit anxious and depressed about facing the long day... trying to find things to keep my daughter and myself occupied until it is time to hit the gym at 5. For some reason I woke up in tears this morning with the thought of having to make it through the week without being bored to tears (or booze). So far I am taking it one hour at a time, finding things to keep us busy. It has been oppressively hot here so I really can't take my daughter outdoors much. Any suggestions you guys have for filling the day would be great! I am hoping to get my daughter into preschool this fall, so that will give me 2 or 3 days for myself. Thanks again for listening, it is cathartic to get some thoughts written down.
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Old 08-08-2011, 01:12 PM
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I wish you luck on your plan. I don't know you or your situation so I won't try to predict success or failure in your attempt. Nor will I judge. It is your goal to meet. If you don't have an problem with alcohol you should have no problem controlling your drinking.

I couldn't do it.

I read on SR once, in reference to trying to control our drinking, "If you have to control something, it's already out of control."

I convinced myself I was a normal drinker for years. As long as I compared myself to someone who drank more heavily than me, I could believe that I drank moderately. But compared to a "real" normal drinker, I drank like a fiend, like someone consumed with alcohol. I had to change my concept of what "normal" meant in regards to drinking. And once I understood that I could never drink normally, I accepted that quitting meant quitting forever.

Good luck. Let us now how it goes.
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