Hi all,
So last night firmly broke it off with my fiance. I told him that his drinking has been a problem for me for a long time. He pleaded that he would totally quit drinking for me. I again pointed out that I've already given him two chances to either reduce or quit and both times he did for a few months and then it escalated right back up. He insisted he didn't know he'd lose me if he kept drinking. Then he got angry that I "wasn't supportive." He also couldn't understand how I could determine if he is or isn't an alcoholic when we only see eachother a few days a month. (I told him that during those few days he showed me enough to figure it out.) He asked me to move there....so that he could show me he that he's not an alcoholic. I insisted that he would be quitting for me and that won't work - he'd eventually resent me. All his pleading kinda surprised me - I felt taken for granted. If he loved me and wanted me so bad, then why did he keep drinking and why has he periodically treated me badly. I eventually just told him that it was over and I've gotta get off the phone. He said "fine but you can never come back."
After hanging up, I felt bad.....like I had abandoned my best friend. I wondered if I had been unfair. I really hadn't nagged him about the alcohol; I strongly told him twice (1.5 yrs ago & 1yr ago) that I would not marry an alcoholic and I thought he was becomming one and asked him to stop or reduce it. Other than that I said nothing...I just sat back and watched. Like I've said....I was afraid that if I nagged, he'd hide it in front of me the few days were were together and then I wouldn't see his true colors until I move there and married him. I haven't said anything to him about going to AA or give him any treatment plan suggestions. I just made my decision and walked. I wouldn't do that to a friend, but I did it to him last night....and I feel really bad about it. I did tell him I'd like to send him a book on alcoholism. He said that if I'm moving there, he'd read it. But if I'm not moving there, don't bother sending it.
This morning, I recieved the following text message:
"There's nothing I wouldn't give up to be with you hon, especially a bad habit I need to give up anyway. I'm willing to do whatever it takes baby girl. You just have to let me know what it is you want me to do. I do think it would be much easier to live a healthier lifestyle if you were here with me. That's something I was really looking forward to. I don't want to lose you. I did a lot of thinking during the three weeks when we didn't talk."
So....is this typical? I thought alcoholics often tell their spouses that they choose alcohol over them? Is it different before you marry them? Do you think this is just "quacking" or should I give him another chance?