Hi Whiteknuckles, I can relate to what you say about how you feel about yourself. Towards the end of my drinking I hated myself too. I'd hope that I wouldn't wake up once I passed out, again. A couple hours later I'd come to and start over again with a drink.
Things do get better and a lot of things had to change for me to get better but the first thing was to put down that drink, detox somewhere safe and then take it a day at a time. The fellowship in AA welcomed me and then I didn't feel so alone. Like in the film, "What About Bob" I had to take baby steps. There is a better way to live. I was hopeless as can be....if a drunk like me can get sober, anyone can.