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Three parts of a day and other revelations...

Old 08-03-2011, 12:46 PM
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Three parts of a day and other revelations...

Three parts to a day and other revelations…
So I woke up today absolutely miserable and hung over, mind going a thousand miles a minute. And as I was wallowing in my own self hatred I started to think how people must live who are sober. The first thing that occurred to me is that there really are, at a minimum, three parts to everyday. A morning, noon, and night. As it is right now, I am a zombie until about noon, might have seven sober hours after that and then at night I usually devote my time to getting hammered. So right now, I am getting maybe seven hours of “sober” time almost every day. And most of that time I am at work, so I am basically wasting my entire life. It also occurred to me that sober people wake up and are actively a part of their morning, noon, and night. They are not just sitting around hungover or obsessing about getting off of work so they can do it all over again.
Seven hours out of a 24 hour day. And I’m not even making good use of sleep time since drunk sleep isn’t really sleep. What am I doing with my life? Why, why, why do I do this? Why can’t I stop? I read this site all the time, I don’t post a lot because I don’t want to be one of those people who constantly comes back and gets the same answers and encouragement and still doesn’t change. But I read all of your advice, I cry when you guys cry, laugh when you laugh, it SR is one of the few places that still has the power to affect me. I want to go to AA but in my self absorbed alcoholic thinking, I am nervous about going, I feel like everyone will be “looking” at me, sizing me up, and finding me lacking. And I’ve been to meetings before, it wasn’t the least bit like that, I think my ugly alcoholic self wants to hang onto this insanity and is just trying to make me fail before I even start.
I am reading a book and one of the protagonists talks about quitting drugs and how she actually ENJOYS things again. Music sounds better, movies are better, she WANTS to spend time with friends and family, she works out just for the sake of taking good care of herself…etc. etc. And I wonder if this is true in sobriety? Does an appreciation of life come back? Because right now I am just an angry person, anytime someone asks me to do anything it puts me off, I don’t have enough of an attention span to watch a whole movie, and music does not even come close to affecting me anymore and I used to really love music. Oh you guys if you’re still reading this, thank you, I really need to get this off my chest, I am drowning and cannot even summon the self love and respect to rescue myself.
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:09 PM
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I too walked in those shoes. Amazing how alcohol becomes your entire life. I have no magic formula as what works for each of us is different, but for me, I knew deep down that what I was doing was not working, and I was watching everything good in my life slowly slipping away (very very slowly but the erosion was happening indeed). I needed to patch the holes. Get my boat sailing again. I was READY for change. I knew I had to. If meetings are not your thing (mine neither) I suggest a face to face alcohol counselor (that is what i do) once a week at least. It keeps me 'grounded' and accountable. I also helps to talk extremely openly to someone....someone who undertsnads the disease or has been there. I can talk to my wife, but I know she will never truely understanhd what I went through, and am going through. Participate here at SR, it was another big step i made. having a support system is critical. i chose not to tell many people in my life but coming here and having the freedom to tell thousands is liberating. Good luck to you and do not give up.
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by WhiteKnuckles View Post
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I am reading a book and one of the protagonists talks about quitting drugs and how she actually ENJOYS things again. Music sounds better, movies are better, she WANTS to spend time with friends and family, she works out just for the sake of taking good care of herself…etc. etc. And I wonder if this is true in sobriety? Does an appreciation of life come back?
It DOES. And for me, forget it 'coming back'.. it was never there before! I have been drinking since my late teens and before that I wasn't happy, either.

I can't explain the stupidshit that makes me happy now. Seriously. Last night I was out at the grocery store and on the way home I got a starbucks and drove the long way so I could enjoy it. Just driving along.. .listening to talk radio... sipping my coffee. The weather had just cooled enough that I could open the windows. I live in the country and it was just beautiful.

I get moments like that all the time. I feel like 'aha! THIS is why most people I know aren't alcoholics' lol. They've already found joy in life. Me I was always chasing that next buzz in part because I had never found a 'buzz' in reality.

Good to 'hear' you and keep posting!
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:30 PM
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White......
And I wonder if this is true in sobriety? Does an appreciation of life come back?

From what I've experienced first hand and seen first hand, anything and EVERYthing is possible in recovery. The problem is that I'm not always willing to put in the legwork to get the things I want. --imagine that?!?!

The biggest "problem" in my recovery is that I'm involved - and destroying a counterproductive and continually overreaching ego doesn't come easily.

One of the better lessons I've learned in the short time I've been in recovery though, is that if my life isn't, for the most part..... FANTASTIC...... the odds have been 100% that it's because I'm refusing to let go of some old tools and/or techniques or I just won't consider trying something new or different that doesn't make complete sense to me prior to trying it out.

Another big lesson has been the reality that sobriety and recovery should be and will be FAR more enjoyable than my old life ever was - again, taken on the whole. If and when it's not, my first place is to look at what I've got in the game.....what am I doing and what am I not doing. If I'm not TRULY enjoying sobriety...and getting everything I can out of life...... my experience has always been that it's because I'm failing the process, not because the process if failing me.

It's true.....sobriety is really only available to those who want it. But on the other hand, for most of us, really enjoyable recovery is only there for those willing to work for it.

My great grand sponsor (he's coming up on 52 years sobriety in a month or two) says at almost EVERY meeting I've been to with him, "If you want to get sober, stay sober and have a helluva happy life ---- You're GOING to have to do a lot of things you don't want to do." Man......how true those words have proven to be for me...
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Old 08-03-2011, 03:06 PM
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You guys, thank you so much for taking the time to respond, I truly, truly appreciate it.

Jabba I wouldn't mind so much going to meetings, because they are free and pretty convenient to get to. Really wouldn't mind a counselor either, as long as my insurance would pay for it. I called one guy and he said he preferred not to counsel me while I was actively drinking, he said to achieve 30 days of sobriety and call him back, not so sure how to do that without assistance from AA and SR.

"If you want to get sober, stay sober and have a helluva happy life ---- You're GOING to have to do a lot of things you don't want to do."

As in, live honestly, tell people how you're feeling, apologize when you're wrong, admit mistakes, enjoy social events without social lubricants? Ahhhhhh all the things I really don't like to do! At least not at this point in time. I am not used to dealing with my past or confronting myself and others. I want a quick fix! I want to pick up a bottle and watch it all go away, the only problem is the more I do that, the more past and confrontations I have to deal with. So therein lies the problem that I seem to have . I want that clean, joyous life that SSIL75 describes without having to all the work it takes to get there. And I know that one day, and probably soon, I will get humiliated enough, or sick enough, or just tired enough to finally push myself past that inertia, but I don't really want to get to that point is the point. I do a lot of thinking and not much doing, when I know the answer is just to get off my butt and just do something, anything, until something works.
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Old 08-03-2011, 03:22 PM
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Welcome WhiteKnuckles

Since I entered recovery, I not only enjoy life again, and not only does my life have meaning - but I like the man I am.

I spent a lot of years despising myself, so that's an incredible gift to me. Miraculous even

Good to have you with us

D
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Old 08-03-2011, 11:48 PM
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Thanks for the post - you really described the way I felt before I quit. I felt like I was just hanging on most days and didn't want to think about anything, answer the phone, or talk to people....... things just seemed so overwhelming all the time.

It took getting sober to see that 99% of this was the alcohol all along. I spent those 6-7 hours/day "sober" too, but that's the thing: there was nothing sober about it. Anxiety and emotion and depression filled those hours because even though I had gotten over the worst of the hangover, I was still withdrawing. It wasn't until I had 4 days sober that those things started to lift. After a week, I was smiling again, even feeling like a new person (which was the "real" me all along).

I used to drink and think about getting sober and wonder what it would be like. It sounded good, but I was terrified to commit. It seemed like it would just add more stress on top of what I already had and I'd be setting myself up for failure. And I had even been sober twice in the past for over 3 years - you would think I'd remember! But no, it wasn't until the alcohol was out of my system that I realized/remembered how good it felt. When you feel great, the world looks very different.

Just do it. You'll see!:ghug3
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:29 AM
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Hi Whiteknuckles, I can relate to what you say about how you feel about yourself. Towards the end of my drinking I hated myself too. I'd hope that I wouldn't wake up once I passed out, again. A couple hours later I'd come to and start over again with a drink.

Things do get better and a lot of things had to change for me to get better but the first thing was to put down that drink, detox somewhere safe and then take it a day at a time. The fellowship in AA welcomed me and then I didn't feel so alone. Like in the film, "What About Bob" I had to take baby steps. There is a better way to live. I was hopeless as can be....if a drunk like me can get sober, anyone can.
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