WhiteKnuckles

Three parts to a day and other revelations…
So I woke up today absolutely miserable and hung over, mind going a thousand miles a minute. And as I was wallowing in my own self hatred I started to think how people must live who are sober. The first thing that occurred to me is that there really are, at a minimum, three parts to everyday. A morning, noon, and night. As it is right now, I am a zombie until about noon, might have seven sober hours after that and then at night I usually devote my time to getting hammered. So right now, I am getting maybe seven hours of “sober” time almost every day. And most of that time I am at work, so I am basically wasting my entire life. It also occurred to me that sober people wake up and are actively a part of their morning, noon, and night. They are not just sitting around hungover or obsessing about getting off of work so they can do it all over again.
Seven hours out of a 24 hour day. And I’m not even making good use of sleep time since drunk sleep isn’t really sleep. What am I doing with my life? Why, why, why do I do this? Why can’t I stop? I read this site all the time, I don’t post a lot because I don’t want to be one of those people who constantly comes back and gets the same answers and encouragement and still doesn’t change. But I read all of your advice, I cry when you guys cry, laugh when you laugh, it SR is one of the few places that still has the power to affect me. I want to go to AA but in my self absorbed alcoholic thinking, I am nervous about going, I feel like everyone will be “looking” at me, sizing me up, and finding me lacking. And I’ve been to meetings before, it wasn’t the least bit like that, I think my ugly alcoholic self wants to hang onto this insanity and is just trying to make me fail before I even start.
I am reading a book and one of the protagonists talks about quitting drugs and how she actually ENJOYS things again. Music sounds better, movies are better, she WANTS to spend time with friends and family, she works out just for the sake of taking good care of herself…etc. etc. And I wonder if this is true in sobriety? Does an appreciation of life come back? Because right now I am just an angry person, anytime someone asks me to do anything it puts me off, I don’t have enough of an attention span to watch a whole movie, and music does not even come close to affecting me anymore and I used to really love music. Oh you guys if you’re still reading this, thank you, I really need to get this off my chest, I am drowning and cannot even summon the self love and respect to rescue myself.