There is a lot of stuff going on that I can't really go into detail about mainly because it would take me all day to write down whats going on and how I feel about it so I am painting only a partial picture.
Today has probably been the most depressing day that I can ever remember, even before drinking or trying to quit.
I took a ride on the motor cycle thinking it would be just 40 mile trip, just to relax a bit and grab a bite to eat. Well that turned into more like a 200 mile trip, I just didn't want to stop and if I didn't have to work tomorrow it probably would have turned into a 300 mile trip, maybe more. I think in my mind, getting off of the bike meant back to reality, which at this point, avoiding it doesn't seem like a bad idea.
It seemed to help at times because I could zone out and enjoy the air. But when I wasn't zoned out, my mind was racing a million miles a second, I just can't make sense of anything, it's almost like I have ADD.
After all that was said this morning after her being at the bar with her sisters all night and being in a drunken stooper, I just don't know if it's going to work. I feel like she doesn't want to be with me but she wants to do it for the kids. Well, she's already stated that we can't just do this for the kids, we need to do it as a family, for everyone in the family which I agree with. We'd probably be better apart if we are not in love with each other and then just focus on providing and raising the kids right. Amongst other things said, there is a lot of contradiction going on in regards to what she states is the right way and what she wants which in turn is really screwing with my head. She also tried to manipulate me, from 230am to 730am she called 25+ times and left 8 vm's, luckily my ringer was off. In some of those messages she said she needed to talk to me because she had a confession to make about what she had done. When asked about it this morning she wouldn't tell me so either she did something such as cheating or she was just doing it to manipulate/hurt me because of the hurting I put on her over the years. Then on top of that, its almost like she's looking for an easy way out. She was telling me that it was going to work but she wanted me to say it, like it would finalize everything. Of course I didn't say it, I can't and there was no point in saying anything anyway considering the state of mind she was in. I can't fix what I've done and I already hurt knowing what I've done, I hurt more then ever but this is not going to help me, help us and I can't deal with this sh*t, I am going insane!
If I didn't have this expensive, court ordered piece of jewelry on my ankle monitoring for alcohol, I am certain I would of had a few beers with dinner, maybe worse.
Maybe it would be best for it to end, the thought of us being together is stirring up these emotions, what would the emotions be if we were together.
I am lost.