Well, I've been giving myself a lot of thought lately (hence the other post too), and I think that all of my problems filter into the main desire I have for companionship.
I think the part of me that finds it hard to let go of XABF and wants him in my life desires his company above all. Even though we had our really bad times, he truly is the single person that understands me more than anyone. The first true companion in life I've ever felt I had, including out of family. We grew up together and were close friends before we dated so it is hard to see the way that things have gone.
I feel lonely and weak. I'm not happy in life feeling like it's me against the world and there is no one on my side to hold my hand. It's so exhausting to try to convince myself that I am okay alone. I'm just tired of it.