Hey Lester
When do we get to the part that she tells me how she feels and she takes responsibilty for her previous actions and maybe even apologizes for all the bullsh1t she has put us all through???!!!
I probably sound selfish and whiney (sorry about that) but I'm really getting sick of it.
You may not ever get there.... that time may not come..... she may never do any of that stuff. 1. making amends is an AA / NA / CA deal and even the folks IN those programs don't always work all the steps.
And really, you're not being whiney at all.....it's a darn legit question and you're absolutely entitled to feel the way you feel.......
But...... (doncha hate the "buts"
), I'll tell you the same thing I'd tell her if I ran into her at a meeting and she was complaining about something that was bugging the hell outta her: You need to find a way to be stable and happy regardless. The minute you start requiring other ppl to bring happiness to you by acting or "being" a certain way, you're setting yourself up for failure.
There's a line in AA - "So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves....." I hated that line.... I felt it was telling me everything's my fault.....or that I was the cause of all the pain I was feeling. What it's REALLY saying is that if something hurts me once, that's on them......but the problem (for me) is that I continue to relive that pain. I think about it, I mull it over, I ponder it, I relive the events that led up to it, etc etc........THAT'S what "resentment" means - to "re-feel." The first time something hurt me was bad enough....the BIG problem are the 1000's of additional times I re-live that stupid event, over and over, in my head. If the original pain hurt at level 6, reliving the darn thing takes it up to pain at level 20! I bring that line up cuz......well.........your troubles with her, they're of your making. I'm not saying she didn't play a HUGE role.....but, you're the one who's living in them and reliving them....and that part YOU can get past with little or no help from her, no apologies from her, and heck.....without her even changing her actions toward you. THAT's what we learn how to do in real recovery bud..... it's so far beyond just "I don't drink anymore" you'd be shocked.
They're going to (likely) suggest she attend AA or NA or whatever program fits her addiction. If I were you........ I'd RUN to the nearest Alanon / NarAnon meeting and get some preemptive work done. Find out what she's going to be working on, find out what you can do to make the process easier on her AND on you, and start to learn the lingo. I've watched a LOT of spouses of recovering alkies get reeeally depressed as it seems to them like the alkie is moving on with their life (and really feeling a LOT better mentally, physically, and spiritually) and here they (the spouse) are, nothing's changed, nothing feels different, and there feel no real "satisfaction."
My sponsor, grand sponsor and great grand sponsor are FAR more direct in this matter than I am...... they'll flat out tell their guys that IF their spouse doesn't get SOME exposure to the recovery process you're working on, be it through alanon, naranon, open AA meetings, etc, the odds of their marriage surviving the recovery process go down pretty substantially.
Yer a guy.....so I won't be as gentle as I would if you were a "wife" - get yer butt to Alanon......make a promise to yourself to hit a meeting or two a week and do it for 3 - 6 months. We're talking 48 hours spread over 6 months.......not a big deal, right? Hit some different meetings and do some searching (just like in AA, some meetings are great.......while others can just plain.......uh.......well......not be so great
).
My girlfriend went to Alanon for about 2 yrs pretty regularly.......then started tapering off. If it were up to ME, she'd be right back in there.....but it's not up to me.
She DID give it a shot though.....and I can tell her what I'm working on and what I'm doing.....and she has a decent/basic understanding of what I'm talking about. She also has a lot more real knowledge of what I'M going through and what I'M up against. I can't imagine it would be a bad experience for you to give it a try.