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my wife is an addict & currently in treatment

Old 07-26-2011, 09:41 AM
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my wife is an addict & currently in treatment

Hello,

Great site. This is my first post.

My wife is an addict and is currently in an in-patient treatment program (she's at day 21 of 50)
As the spouse, I have found this process to be very frustrating.
I dropped her off 3 weeks ago and have barely heard a word from her since. She calls every couple of days but is only able to talk for 2 minutes.
It seems like I'm being kept in the dark - I have no idea what's going on or how she's doing. When we speak on the phone she's very evasive in her answers and it's obvious she doesn't want to talk about it.
It has created some friction between us which she says hurts her recovery.
I'm starting to resent her and the "process".
Not only did I have to deal with her addiction prior to the treatment (and all the nightmares that go along with that), but now I am running the household, taking care of our 2 kids all while working 50 hours a week.
The pamphlet says there is NOTHING more important than her recovery right now (family, work , etc is secondary). How is this realistic??
While she's living in her "bubble", life is still going on just like it was before she left.
When do we get to the part that she tells me how she feels and she takes responsibilty for her previous actions and maybe even apologizes for all the bullsh1t she has put us all through???!!!
I probably sound selfish and whiney (sorry about that) but I'm really getting sick of it.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
(sorry but I already posted this in another section - I thought this was a better location.)
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Old 07-26-2011, 10:05 AM
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I remember when I was in job mandated treatment for 60 days... the toll that took on my wife... I felt so bad which wasn't much good for my spirits either, which was exactly why the treatment center strictly limited the amount of time we communicated. Thanx for the reminder of how it was, I need to hear that occasionally.

If your wife gets recovered, really recovered, she will want to make amends... but what more can she really do, right now, except get treatment? Sorry won't get the chores done, the kids fed or the bills paid... but once she's recovered, she can help do her part in all of that.

I haven't been able to share the details of my recovery too much with my wife... we are married like 27 years, a bunch of kids, stressful jobs, all that... but what I can do is share my life with her, and, lucky for me, she wants me to do just that...



This whole process is gonna take some time, and it isn't measured in days, weeks, or in some ways, months... Be patient. Get recovered yourself... have you looked into naranon or alanon? (That's OK if you haven't... my wife is a proud member of Al aNOT !!! ... and she's doin' OK..)

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Old 07-26-2011, 10:17 AM
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Welcome to SR

As a recovering alcoholic I really do not have much insight into your perspective. What I can say is that I did have to learn that my recovery was up to me, job or no job, spouse or no spouse, I had to want the recovery and work towards that. I could not depend on what others did or did not do, I had to work on my own recovery.

It took a recovery program for me to do that successfully. I would encourage you to encourage your wife to become involved in a program. There are many out there. Personally, AA is the one that worked for me. Here is a list of many of the programs: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I would also encourage you to seek help for yourself by attending ALANON. They can help provide you with the tools you need to help you live with the alcoholic active or not. Plus you will find they can help support you during this rough transitional time. We also have a friends and family of the alcoholic section in our forums where you can find a lot of support and good experience in dealing with the alcoholic. Here is the link to that: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I wish both you and your wife the best. Again glad you are here.
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Old 07-26-2011, 10:21 AM
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Mark75,

Thanks for your reply.

"I haven't been able to share the details of my recovery too much with my wife..."

Why?
Do you not want to share the information or does she not want to hear about it?
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Old 07-26-2011, 10:36 AM
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I can't share details with my husband about my meetings because I'm too fragile. I think if I told him everything having to do with my AA meetings and all the **** I did (you don't know everything) I'd probably want to die. Also the things she's learning about others is confidential. She has to have that "bubble" if you want her to continue to do well. I wish I could devote all my time to recovery, I'd probably have a better chance. Right now I'm struggling big time.
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Old 07-26-2011, 10:39 AM
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Welcome!

I have shared nothing about my recovery with my family because they didn't want to hear about it. When I stopped drinking, about 11 years ago, I desperately wanted to explain to my family what had brought me to that point. I had hoped that we could work through things together. Of course, they wanted me to get better and to have their wife and mother back, but beyond that, they had no interest. I had to learn patience and how to deal with my issues myself.

As Mark said, it takes time, a lot of time, and your wife's recovery may not be what you expect it to be. My advice is to find support for yourself at AlAnon and in the Friends & Families section.
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Old 07-26-2011, 11:40 AM
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The details of my own recovery for me is best left to my sponsor and/or my therapist. I figure my husband has heard enough from this disease. He doesn't need to hear anymore; he just needs to see by my actions that I am now committed and doing everything in my power to live sober.
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Old 07-26-2011, 11:40 AM
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I don't know, Hard to put into words really... true recovery... rebuilding my life, my view on the world, what happened, higher power stuff, the true nature of my own addiction... I can't easily share that with someone who hasn't been there, no matter how close that person may be...

It is complicated for sure... I am still working through it... I don't want her pity, not that she'd give it to me , LOL... hmm, I guess it's just too personal... and you know, my wife can't really help me except to just be there and continue on this journey as we have been together... I want to be her husband... not her alkie or addict or recovered or anything... just me.
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Old 07-26-2011, 12:19 PM
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I know that my wife was very frustrated while I was in treatment. I was quite frustrated too since phone time was not only restricted, but there were always other things going on at the same time - such as laundry, 1 on 1's, etc. I remember too that I my first call with my wife was horrible, she yelled at my about how ****** it was that I got to go on vacation while she got stuck with all the sh!t. Honestly - I didn't call her back for another week because I needed the safety of the treatment center and couldn't futurecast about what's next and still have an active recovery.

That was almost six months ago now and instead of picking up a drink, I pick up the kids.

In my AA meeting last night is was brought up that there is a special communication that alcholics have and only alcoholics can understand. What is incredibly meaningful for us means almost nothing to anyone else. My wife no longer asks me about my meetings since I brought her to one. She thought we were a bunch of whiny ******* and COULD NOT comprehend what good it could possibly do me.

Hang in there. Things will be very different if she remains sober and works a successful program. And I mean VERY different.

Good luck.
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Old 07-26-2011, 12:44 PM
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Sorry to hear that you are going thru so much. I wish that I could have entered treatment but it was not a possibility for me. Thanks for posting this, it is a reminder to me of how much I have put my wife through over the years. Hopefully your wife is quiet because shes 100 percent focused on treatment and things will be better than ever when she returns home soon!
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Old 07-26-2011, 12:53 PM
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Lestersquare - Glad you found us, & welcome. Good things have been said already, so I'll just say - it's early days yet for this whole process, so try not to be frustrated.

I've been on both sides of this thing - so I can understand how resentful you are. When I went into rehab (only stayed a week due to insurance issues) I wasn't permitted to talk to anyone about what was going on. I was allowed one brief phone call a day, and from a pay phone - so there were people standing in line waiting to use it & I wasn't really free to talk. I'm sure I sounded strange to my family. When she gets home it may be entirely different.

I do think al anon would be a great idea for you. I'm sorry for all you've been put through because of this horrible disease. Let us know how you're doing.
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Old 07-26-2011, 01:31 PM
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Hey Lester

When do we get to the part that she tells me how she feels and she takes responsibilty for her previous actions and maybe even apologizes for all the bullsh1t she has put us all through???!!!
I probably sound selfish and whiney (sorry about that) but I'm really getting sick of it.


You may not ever get there.... that time may not come..... she may never do any of that stuff. 1. making amends is an AA / NA / CA deal and even the folks IN those programs don't always work all the steps.

And really, you're not being whiney at all.....it's a darn legit question and you're absolutely entitled to feel the way you feel.......

But...... (doncha hate the "buts" ), I'll tell you the same thing I'd tell her if I ran into her at a meeting and she was complaining about something that was bugging the hell outta her: You need to find a way to be stable and happy regardless. The minute you start requiring other ppl to bring happiness to you by acting or "being" a certain way, you're setting yourself up for failure.

There's a line in AA - "So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves....." I hated that line.... I felt it was telling me everything's my fault.....or that I was the cause of all the pain I was feeling. What it's REALLY saying is that if something hurts me once, that's on them......but the problem (for me) is that I continue to relive that pain. I think about it, I mull it over, I ponder it, I relive the events that led up to it, etc etc........THAT'S what "resentment" means - to "re-feel." The first time something hurt me was bad enough....the BIG problem are the 1000's of additional times I re-live that stupid event, over and over, in my head. If the original pain hurt at level 6, reliving the darn thing takes it up to pain at level 20! I bring that line up cuz......well.........your troubles with her, they're of your making. I'm not saying she didn't play a HUGE role.....but, you're the one who's living in them and reliving them....and that part YOU can get past with little or no help from her, no apologies from her, and heck.....without her even changing her actions toward you. THAT's what we learn how to do in real recovery bud..... it's so far beyond just "I don't drink anymore" you'd be shocked.

They're going to (likely) suggest she attend AA or NA or whatever program fits her addiction. If I were you........ I'd RUN to the nearest Alanon / NarAnon meeting and get some preemptive work done. Find out what she's going to be working on, find out what you can do to make the process easier on her AND on you, and start to learn the lingo. I've watched a LOT of spouses of recovering alkies get reeeally depressed as it seems to them like the alkie is moving on with their life (and really feeling a LOT better mentally, physically, and spiritually) and here they (the spouse) are, nothing's changed, nothing feels different, and there feel no real "satisfaction."

My sponsor, grand sponsor and great grand sponsor are FAR more direct in this matter than I am...... they'll flat out tell their guys that IF their spouse doesn't get SOME exposure to the recovery process you're working on, be it through alanon, naranon, open AA meetings, etc, the odds of their marriage surviving the recovery process go down pretty substantially.

Yer a guy.....so I won't be as gentle as I would if you were a "wife" - get yer butt to Alanon......make a promise to yourself to hit a meeting or two a week and do it for 3 - 6 months. We're talking 48 hours spread over 6 months.......not a big deal, right? Hit some different meetings and do some searching (just like in AA, some meetings are great.......while others can just plain.......uh.......well......not be so great ).

My girlfriend went to Alanon for about 2 yrs pretty regularly.......then started tapering off. If it were up to ME, she'd be right back in there.....but it's not up to me. She DID give it a shot though.....and I can tell her what I'm working on and what I'm doing.....and she has a decent/basic understanding of what I'm talking about. She also has a lot more real knowledge of what I'M going through and what I'M up against. I can't imagine it would be a bad experience for you to give it a try.
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Old 07-26-2011, 03:25 PM
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Day Trader- great response. I quoted part of it in an email to my wife concerning some serious problems we're having on this very matter.

You need to find a way to be stable and happy regardless. The minute you start requiring other ppl to bring happiness to you by acting or "being" a certain way, you're setting yourself up for failure.

There's a line in AA - "So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves....." I hated that line.... I felt it was telling me everything's my fault.....or that I was the cause of all the pain I was feeling. What it's REALLY saying is that if something hurts me once, that's on them......but the problem (for me) is that I continue to relive that pain. I think about it, I mull it over, I ponder it, I relive the events that led up to it, etc etc........THAT'S what "resentment" means - to "re-feel." The first time something hurt me was bad enough....the BIG problem are the 1000's of additional times I re-live that stupid event, over and over, in my head. If the original pain hurt at level 6, reliving the darn thing takes it up to pain at level 20
!

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Old 07-26-2011, 03:26 PM
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Old 07-26-2011, 03:31 PM
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Originally Posted by StPeteGrad View Post
Day Trader- great response. I quoted part of it in an email to my wife concerning some serious problems we're having on this very matter.
Uh oh. Dude....brace yourself....
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Old 07-26-2011, 03:55 PM
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Lester

I just came out of rehab for alcohol, and can understand your frustration. When I got the chance to use the payphone to call home, there were always people waiting, within earshot, to use it next. It's hard to have a decent conversation in that environment. Also, the daily news, from inside, doesn't change much, so there's not much to share. A highlight of my stay was family day, once a week. Even then, no privacy, and lectures and meetings the entire day. We called it our "conjugated" visit. The main goal was reached, sobriety. Next goal, stay sober.
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Old 07-26-2011, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Lestersquare View Post
I'm starting to resent her and the "process".
Starting to resent?
Originally Posted by Lestersquare View Post

When do we get to the part that she tells me how she feels and she takes responsibilty for her previous actions and maybe even apologizes for all the bullsh1t she has put us all through???!!!
I think you've had a good running start long before she started this process.
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