BodhiTree,
Congratulations on your 9 days! That is huge!
Good post! I have an answer for you too. You are already well on your way to having a journal by your posts here!
Look over there under my name at the number of posts I have.
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I go back and read my answers when I was newly sober and struggling with PAWS and it is a real trip. My thoughts and ability to put together my thoughts has evolved along the way and I have a record to go back to.
But more importantly is that they (my posts) have mostly been answering others, and may have in some small way, helped another to get here to the other side of the street. Yours will too including this one.
Jennie said it another way than I do but it is the same thing. I call my sobriety unconditional, like unconditional love. I never got that out of a book, nor from another. It just occurred to me that I keep reading the same things over and over.
People that relapse have conditions on their sobriety.
They are sober so long as:
They remember how bad it was,
as long as they are more afraid of alcohol than sobriety,
as long as there are no stresses,
as long as they are happy,
as long as they don't have to give up friends,
as long as they have a partner or don't,
as long as they can party,
as long as they aren't bored,
as long as they feel worthwhile,
as long as they feel worthless,
as long as they have no self-esteem,
as long as they do.
I am sure we can add a zillion conditional conditions that we see here and in our own lives that cause us to waver.
It is one thing to break most other promises to ourselves, they won't kill us in the end after stealing everything from us beforehand.
My sobriety and decision never to smoke again are unconditional. Concrete, irrevocable, and at 9 months stable.
I used my docs and AA and everything I needed to get here. Everything worked even though I am only active on SR anymore.
Where is here? Recovered. And the minute one says that, there are a bunch of folks of every recovery persuasion that says, “this is what will work for everybody, that does not,” etc.
When at nine months I say that, some of my recovering friends look at me like I am cocky and say that I won't last I am headed for a relapse. Horse patooties!
I am recovering mentally and physically, daily getting better. I have no AV talking to me, submerged or not, and I don't go around walking on eggshells for fear of relapsing.
Getting here was hard because of my age and my PAWS which were really bad. And now are almost 100% gone. I needed support to get me past the “I need a drink to feel better” stage which really only lasted a week or five.
My sobriety is unconditional. I got sober and now am well and healthy again.
As you read here you will see where folks talk about this time it is different, it is like a switch has been thrown, the desire to go back is not there. Jennie has thrown that switch. As have I, and many others.
If someone needs someone to hold their hand for the rest of their life then so be it, there are programs for that. But what happens when that someone isn't there? I am fortunate in that I have someone here that will be here as long as I am. Me.
There is no self-discipline in any human at first. Discipline defined as adhering to a given set of behaviors and values. We all start out with parents that impose external discipline, reinforcing behaviors that are acceptable and extinguishing the bad ones, then we learn to do it ourselves. We behave without the fear of punishment. Punishment is not discipline. It is used only when discipline fails for those who use them properly.
I do not need fear to keep me sober. If some do, great. My sobriety is not predicated on things going a certain way. It is not predicated on things going only my way. It is unconditional.
The only way I will hear any voice from alcohol again is if I am foolich enough to have one drink ever again. I won't.