At Adult Children Of Alcoholics meetings and in ACA books we learn that we need to become out own loving parents. The ACA Solution states:
"We learn to reparent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect."
and
"You will take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting."
But beyond these lofty goals there is not a lot of explanation of the mechanics of how this is supposed to happen. Just how does one become a loving, nurturing parent to themselves when they haven't experienced this in real life? One cannot give what they do not possess. Or, as Drs. Cloud and Townsend have said, it's a bit like expecting a car with an empty gas tank to fill itself up.
And what if your internal parent is judgmental and harsh? Or exacting, intolerant and perfectionistic? Then you may be just replicating the past and reinforcing your own dysfunction. It's not enough to just come out of denial and face the pain of the past. That only goes so far. That pain needs to be comforted, that hurt child needs to be loved. This is perhaps the most important part of the process.
Here is an insight into the exercise of discovering your inner child AND becoming your own NURTURING parent:
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"First, one becomes conscious of his or her own inner child[At this stage I need to either do the Visualation technique on page 276 of BRB or some other form of Connection with my Inner Child] Remaining unconscious is what empowers the dissociated inner child to take possession of the personality at times, to overpower the will of the adult. Next, we learn to take our inner child seriously, and to consciously communicate with that little girl or boy within: to listen to how he or she feels and what he or she needs from us here and now.
The often frustrated primal needs of that perennial inner child–for love, acceptance, protection, nurturance, understanding–remain the same today as when we were children. As pseudo-adults, we futilely attempt to force others into fulfilling these infantile needs for us. But this is doomed to failure. What we didn’t sufficiently receive in the past from our parents as children must be confronted in the present, painful though it may be.
We should not as adults now expect others to meet all of these unfulfilled childhood needs. They cannot. Authentic adulthood requires both accepting the painful past and the primary responsibility for taking care of that inner child’s needs, for being a “good enough” parent to him or her now–and in the future."- Psychology Today, Stephen Diamond, Ph.D., practicing psychotherapist
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I found these videos by John Bradshaw Brilliant.........Tears Flowed.
‪John Bradshaw - Oprah - Childhood Wounds Seminar - pt1a.wmv‬‏ - YouTube
I believe that becoming my own parent is a big step with a large learning curve for me that I did not get when I was young. So I have to be gentle and patient with myself, Go slow. In trying moments, ask my child what He/She needs from me most. Is it a hug? An understanding tone and reassurance that it's going to be alright? Or simply to be recognized that he/she is present?
At this Stage The Judgemental or Critical Parent will try to tell me to tell everyone else of my descovery..........been concious of this,............I can Pass on this Message if I please to other Inner Children.I am not now taking some un concious demand from my Judgemental Critical Parent.
If I feel resistance to acting on the last four sentences above,I ask myself why. Is this my "judgmental" parent rearing it's ugly head, ready to scold me for having such foolish thoughts? Useing this reaction not as a reason to further beat myself up but simply to gauge how nurturing I am being to my own self right now.
Then I ask my inner child how he or she feels and what they need from me here and now. I Take a small step and be just a tad more nurturing to myself than usual. And keep doing it consistently, especially during difficult situations when my inner kid needs me the most.
The more my inner child can trust me to be there , the more It will come out of the shadows to play and be free!
Re Parenting procedure for my Inner Child,assisted by my HP...I know I will need his Protection while doing this.
This is serious Teraphy....it will work if i work it,this is defenite............Mick
