"We learn to reparent ourselves .

Old 07-16-2011, 03:46 PM
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"We learn to reparent ourselves .

At Adult Children Of Alcoholics meetings and in ACA books we learn that we need to become out own loving parents. The ACA Solution states:

"We learn to reparent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect."

and

"You will take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting."

But beyond these lofty goals there is not a lot of explanation of the mechanics of how this is supposed to happen. Just how does one become a loving, nurturing parent to themselves when they haven't experienced this in real life? One cannot give what they do not possess. Or, as Drs. Cloud and Townsend have said, it's a bit like expecting a car with an empty gas tank to fill itself up.

And what if your internal parent is judgmental and harsh? Or exacting, intolerant and perfectionistic? Then you may be just replicating the past and reinforcing your own dysfunction. It's not enough to just come out of denial and face the pain of the past. That only goes so far. That pain needs to be comforted, that hurt child needs to be loved. This is perhaps the most important part of the process.

Here is an insight into the exercise of discovering your inner child AND becoming your own NURTURING parent:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"First, one becomes conscious of his or her own inner child[At this stage I need to either do the Visualation technique on page 276 of BRB or some other form of Connection with my Inner Child] Remaining unconscious is what empowers the dissociated inner child to take possession of the personality at times, to overpower the will of the adult. Next, we learn to take our inner child seriously, and to consciously communicate with that little girl or boy within: to listen to how he or she feels and what he or she needs from us here and now.

The often frustrated primal needs of that perennial inner child–for love, acceptance, protection, nurturance, understanding–remain the same today as when we were children. As pseudo-adults, we futilely attempt to force others into fulfilling these infantile needs for us. But this is doomed to failure. What we didn’t sufficiently receive in the past from our parents as children must be confronted in the present, painful though it may be.

We should not as adults now expect others to meet all of these unfulfilled childhood needs. They cannot. Authentic adulthood requires both accepting the painful past and the primary responsibility for taking care of that inner child’s needs, for being a “good enough” parent to him or her now–and in the future."- Psychology Today, Stephen Diamond, Ph.D., practicing psychotherapist


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I found these videos by John Bradshaw Brilliant.........Tears Flowed.

‪John Bradshaw - Oprah - Childhood Wounds Seminar - pt1a.wmv‬‏ - YouTube

I believe that becoming my own parent is a big step with a large learning curve for me that I did not get when I was young. So I have to be gentle and patient with myself, Go slow. In trying moments, ask my child what He/She needs from me most. Is it a hug? An understanding tone and reassurance that it's going to be alright? Or simply to be recognized that he/she is present?

At this Stage The Judgemental or Critical Parent will try to tell me to tell everyone else of my descovery..........been concious of this,............I can Pass on this Message if I please to other Inner Children.I am not now taking some un concious demand from my Judgemental Critical Parent.

If I feel resistance to acting on the last four sentences above,I ask myself why. Is this my "judgmental" parent rearing it's ugly head, ready to scold me for having such foolish thoughts? Useing this reaction not as a reason to further beat myself up but simply to gauge how nurturing I am being to my own self right now.

Then I ask my inner child how he or she feels and what they need from me here and now. I Take a small step and be just a tad more nurturing to myself than usual. And keep doing it consistently, especially during difficult situations when my inner kid needs me the most.

The more my inner child can trust me to be there , the more It will come out of the shadows to play and be free!

Re Parenting procedure for my Inner Child,assisted by my HP...I know I will need his Protection while doing this.
This is serious Teraphy....it will work if i work it,this is defenite............Mick
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Old 07-21-2011, 04:19 PM
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Credit where credit is due. Much of the post above was lifted word for word from the original Sept. 14, 2010 post at: adultchildrenaca.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-to-become-your-own-loving-parent.html

Please check out the "How To Become Your Own Loving Parent" blog post at the Adult Children Of Alcoholics/ ACAs ACOAs Blog to read it unedited and in its original form.
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Old 07-22-2011, 04:50 AM
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I dont get a good feeling from what has been posted above............I get that Feeling of Authority speaking down to me,Im sharing what is working for me...........if it does not work for others or they dont understand what I am about just leave it......and move on.

For years I have passed on information , as well as lots of my Own ESH,that I have found useful,........nothing wrong with that

Its posts like this that help un tangle some of my Guilt..........undeserved........and from another time.

I have only ever to the best of my Knowledge expressed my Experience,Strength,and Hope.
I will share freely what is working for me.
If the forum has a problem with this,which it has not so far,I will move on to somewhere else.My recovery and the way and means that I do it is up to me...........No one else.

Here's wishing everyone a Good Day.
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Old 07-22-2011, 02:43 PM
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The post from which you "got that Feeling of Authority speaking down" to you didn't even mention you. It simply pointed out the origin of your previous post.

Wonderful that you shared something that resonated. If I found enough meaning and value in someone else's work to reprint it, I would also want to show my appreciation by asking for permission or at least giving credit.

This forum hasn't taken issue but wasn't previously informed as to the origin of the post in question. Being unaware of the circumstances surrounding an action is not the same as giving approval.

There are copyright laws that protect intellectual property and those violating them may be putting themselves and any message boards, blogs, etc. they post on at risk. IMO, at the very least there is a moral and ethical duty to give credit unless permission to use without it has been given by the author.
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Old 07-22-2011, 04:11 PM
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From pages 88 to 89 big red book.The paradox of independance is that only in separation do we find the courage and strength to live in the world as complete human beings,capable of giving and recieving love,of creating out of a sense of wholeness.In normal seperation,children are reassured by leaving and returning to consistent and loving parents,and then carry these parents inside to remind themselves they are safe and loved.As children of alcoholics/ or desfunctional parents etc,we internalize parents who are filled with rage and self hate and who have projected these feelings onto us.We carry this negetive view of ourselves,feeling insecure and frightned of our own self rejection and been rejected by others.We remain in the same double-bind we experienced as children,unable to detach from or remain WITH the people who caused us harm.


These words have been of great help to me,I realise now why I fear abandonment/rejection,criticism,by others. At times its as if others sense this weakness in me and can easilly hurt me intentionally/or un intentionally.Shalom.
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