StarShine

I posted a few weeks back in regards to what I am going through with my Mom right now. I am hurting very badly, I am very angry, I am very sad, I am mourning the relationship I thought I had...

Right now I am just left with the question, "How did we get here???"

I have tried compassion, I have tried tough love, I have been frozen out of her life - she chose to go 'no contact' - hey wait, isn't it usually the loved one who is not drinking to excess who chooses that, not the one doing the drinking?!?

I could write a three page post here in regards to all the gory details...and maybe I will, but right now I am just left with the above question.

I am struggling right now with accepting that we are going through this. This is my beloved Mom, the one who used to be so much fun, who loved me I thought for who I was, and now tells me she really doesn't like me or my 'new voice' as she has chosen to put in quotations...

Meanwhile the rest of the world is telling me how much a lot of them like who I am these days. That I am stronger, more in touch with who I am, and that they respect the work I have done to transform...

and I am left now understanding, maybe for the first time in my life, that it really ultimately doesn't matter what anyone else thinks...even my Mom...as long as I am feeling content with who I am at the end of the day...

So amid all of the turmoil, the saddness, the anger, the mix of strong, icky emotion...I am left with the biggest question this week of whether this has been my Mom all along and I have just chosen not to see her true self, or was this progressive and now that she is drinking more heavily her personality is changing...or has this side of her always been there, I just have never threatened her in any way so I had never seen the back biting, petty side that she is capable of???...

I miss her...the old her...I worry about her...I am sad to possibly find out that what I thought I had all of these years was just a farce or delusion on my part...

Is it really important to know the answer to this question so I can feel I can trust my reality OR is it inconsequential and something I shouldn't get hung up on but just accept???