Can I trust what I thought was Reality all of this time?

Old 07-12-2011, 11:23 AM
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Question Can I trust what I thought was Reality all of this time?

I posted a few weeks back in regards to what I am going through with my Mom right now. I am hurting very badly, I am very angry, I am very sad, I am mourning the relationship I thought I had...

Right now I am just left with the question, "How did we get here???"

I have tried compassion, I have tried tough love, I have been frozen out of her life - she chose to go 'no contact' - hey wait, isn't it usually the loved one who is not drinking to excess who chooses that, not the one doing the drinking?!?

I could write a three page post here in regards to all the gory details...and maybe I will, but right now I am just left with the above question.

I am struggling right now with accepting that we are going through this. This is my beloved Mom, the one who used to be so much fun, who loved me I thought for who I was, and now tells me she really doesn't like me or my 'new voice' as she has chosen to put in quotations...

Meanwhile the rest of the world is telling me how much a lot of them like who I am these days. That I am stronger, more in touch with who I am, and that they respect the work I have done to transform...

and I am left now understanding, maybe for the first time in my life, that it really ultimately doesn't matter what anyone else thinks...even my Mom...as long as I am feeling content with who I am at the end of the day...

So amid all of the turmoil, the saddness, the anger, the mix of strong, icky emotion...I am left with the biggest question this week of whether this has been my Mom all along and I have just chosen not to see her true self, or was this progressive and now that she is drinking more heavily her personality is changing...or has this side of her always been there, I just have never threatened her in any way so I had never seen the back biting, petty side that she is capable of???...

I miss her...the old her...I worry about her...I am sad to possibly find out that what I thought I had all of these years was just a farce or delusion on my part...

Is it really important to know the answer to this question so I can feel I can trust my reality OR is it inconsequential and something I shouldn't get hung up on but just accept???
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Old 07-12-2011, 11:44 AM
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Yes, you do ask that question as you sit there in the tattered remnants of your family life and relationship that used to be with your parent and wonder what happened.

How did it all come to this?

Alcoholism changes people, my Mom was a wonderful, loving, fun person and the alcohol just takes over and their pursuit of it.

Changes everything.

Read some of the posts in the Friends and Family and, of course, this forum.

Are you in a recovery program, as you mention you are at a strong place - that
is good foundation to build on.

If you want to write the details at some time and many of us have, do so, if and when you are ready as this is the place to do that and helps to get those thoughts out with people who understand exactly what you are going through.
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Old 07-12-2011, 04:15 PM
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Hello there StarShine

Originally Posted by StarShine View Post
.... I posted a few weeks back in regards to what I am going through with my Mom right now. I am hurting very badly, I am very angry, I am very sad, I am mourning the relationship I thought I had.......
I am so sorry you are going thru all this. I can't imagine a worse horror than dealing with addiction in somebody we love.

Originally Posted by StarShine View Post
.... Right now I am just left with the question, "How did we get here???"....
I don't know about the "we" part. In my life there was no "we". I did my best to maintain a normal relationship but the addiction was more powerful. "They" chose to keep the addiction, not "us".

Originally Posted by StarShine View Post
.... or was this progressive and now that she is drinking more heavily her personality is changing.......
Addiction _is_ progressive. Sooner or later the alcoholic is going to change into that monster you mention. I'm not proposing that people are saints before alcoholism, just that once the addiction gets rolling they do change.

Originally Posted by StarShine View Post
.... ...I am sad to possibly find out that what I thought I had all of these years was just a farce or delusion on my part.......
I don't think so. It's not the case with me and my loved ones. My ex-wife was a loving, caring and wonderful person. We really were living in the "happily ever after" part of a fairy tale. For 17 years or so. Then the addiction started and, little by little, she started with the lying, then the manipulating, and it just went on from there.

Originally Posted by StarShine View Post
.... Is it really important to know the answer to this question so I can feel I can trust my reality....
How important it is depends on each person. If it is important to _you_ then that's all we need to hear and we will back you up 100%. As was suggested above, look around the other "Friends and Family" forums that are "next door" and you will see that alkies and addicts live in their own type of reality. The rest of us people stay in the real world. So yes, your reality is just fine.

Originally Posted by StarShine View Post
.... something I shouldn't get hung up on but just accept???....
I think it's important to understand that _they_ change their own reality to suit their addiction. I don't think it's a matter of accepting it as much as being aware of it so you can better protect yourself.

Mike
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Old 07-12-2011, 06:38 PM
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"I think it's important to understand that _they_ change their own reality to suit their addiction. I don't think it's a matter of accepting it as much as being aware of it so you can better protect yourself."

I totally agree with that statement. My mothers reality is in no way, shape or form what it was 30 years ago.

It has been up to me to roll with the punches. I believe that long term heavy alcohol use alters the mind. My mom is now 85, coupled with the alcohol she now has dementia.
This really adds a new twist to her reality.

I am sorry that you are struggling. For me, I have to use all my tools in my tool box, to stay focused, and a arms length away from her. I must preserve my reality and my well being.

Perhaps your preception of your mother is all that changed, sometimes when we face the absolute truth, our own reality comes to the forefront and that can be very scarey.

Keep reading and posting, it will help.
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Old 07-13-2011, 05:32 AM
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Echoing Mike and Dollydo: Being aware that your mom's reality has changed (it just coincided with your shift) so that you can better protect yourself is key.

My dad was a pretty good dad. Until he retired. Until he got bored, lonely and isolated. Until he started drinking to the point of blacking out on a regular basis. He changed. Well, maybe he didn't really change, there were flashes of this behavior before, but he's "gone feral" and forgotten or chose to not practice any social skills. He lashes out at people, then wonders why no one has time for him. He tries to "punish" adults by refusing to speak to them (as your mom did) then doesn't understand why we don't come grovelling back to him. My sister and I are in our 40's pushing 50. We don't do "grovel" anymore.

As for my mom, she's improved with age only in that she's developing dementia and isn't always "there" mentally.

Because I am aware of this and accept it as part of who they are *now* (not who they used to be), I am able to keep myself centered (mostly, now and then I slip) and not get sucked into their warped reality. I still have a relationship with them, although it's shaky (is there such a thing as a solid relationship with an alcoholic? I doubt it). I am still emotionally attached to my parents. But I will not allow their reality to dictate mine.

Stay centered on you, your mom will do what she will do. If I had to take a wild guess, my guess is that she doesn't like your "new voice" because your "new voice" is telling her that you can't be controlled and manipulated anymore. People who are used to being able to manipulate another individual don't like it when that individual quits playing the game.

Wishing you peace.
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Old 07-13-2011, 09:13 AM
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Thank you All! It helps to know that none of what I am feeling is unusual under the circumstances. You all are very insightful. GingerM, your wild guess, I believe is right on target.

Called about a local ACA meeting - hoping to go at some point...

Take care...
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Old 07-13-2011, 03:01 PM
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Though I did not grow up with active addiction to alcohol in my home, I believe both of my parents did.

One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with in my own recovery is two fold.
1. When I have some recovery under my belt I don't behave in the same pattern that I used to behave
2. The people in my life that I often enabled/or did my thing with don't like the changes that I have made. For many reasons it is hard for them and they often have had a reaction to it. Which it makes it hard for me to stay in my new behavior.

I had a counselor tell me that relationships can often "work" (used loosely) when two people are not in recovery or two people are in recovery, when one is and one is not it can be some tricky ground to manuever for both people. This was hard to hear but when she added that it is often about not speaking the same language it helped me to see how this has played out in my own relationships. It does not make it any easier, but it did help me to not feel so alone.
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