Sober Living Home Question - Long Post
Please share your thoughts as I am in a quandary and have trouble making good decisions for myself. I apologize for the length of this post but the details are important I think.
Background: Alcoholic/prescription drug addict. Knew things were going downhill faster then I could keep up when I started doing a lot of opiates and would be sick without them. Suicide attempt 2 years ago with car while on "stop signs" from the opiates. Lived through it - just banged myself up real good and received a DWI. Almost lost my foot. Was physically handicapped for at least 6 months after that. Went to live with alcoholic parent. Stayed a recluse and drank with her another year and a half. Went to jail a couple times. Went to psych ward a couple times. Had a spiritual awakening but sabotaged myself with things going so well too quickly. Got kicked out from Mom's house because of all the drinking and fighting and violence in Dec. 2010
Went to live at bf's Mom's house and went to see a judge to get unemployment benefits. Granted unemployment but had to wait until March before receiving money. Left bf's mom's house in Feb. b/c her old man was back from prison and there was no room. Stopped eating. Didn't think much about it but even the smell of food made me sick. Lived on broth. Went to flea bag hotel as a temp. place to stay until I received unemployment and could find other living arrangements. Stayed off alcohol but bf still dropped by with soma's and weed once a week. Landed in the Er after a week of throwing up water. Came close to death died from low potassium and dehydration. Doctors found that 3/4 of my stomach looked like raw hamburger meat and had bleeding ulcers. Started eating again with ulcer meds but lost feeling in my mouth, legs, arms and stomach. Developed painful neoropathy and couldn't stand up or walk without excruciating pain. Placed on antidepressants for mood and pain. Helped. Fell back into depression and played computer games all day at hotel. Starting becoming a recluse again. Drank here and there. Used a lot of DXM (cough syrup) for escape. Stopped seeing doctors. Would periodically drink and meet guys here and smoke pot and just party with them as an escape. Started the eerie suicide thoughts again.
Last week, was offered to smoke a bowl. Said sure thinking it was pot. It was meth and obviously I knew this after he brought the pipe out. This is a drug I have resisted in the past many times because it was such a huge problem for me to get off of in my early 20s. Smoked it anyway (devil-may-care)and was high as a kite for three days. Hated it. Did it again. Did it again. Scared now that I am doing a dangerous drug again with dangerous people. Went on Craigslist to seriously look for other housing options. Stumbled upon a sober living home in Petaluma. The woman picked me up and showed me around. I loved it. There were bunnies in the back and little dogs and cats all over the house. The place was clean, peaceful and bright. Problem: bf doesn't want me there because it's literally down the street from his house. All he could say was that he knew many of the sober living gals as he is a taxi driver and also sells his prescription drugs on the side to supplement his income. He is adamant that me being there would cause him immense stress and he deserves better then that for helping me all this time.
Bf is pushing for either sober living house in SR which I haven't seen yet or an apartment he will co-sign for.
The Petaluma opportunity seems like a no-brainer. At the same time cutting off my last and only friend isn't very appealing. The addict in me also likes the idea of getting an apartment and a dog again (my baby Sue in the avatar pic was stolen - another cost of my addiction) but my rational brain thinks it's time to stand up on my own and do what needs to be done. Hurt feelings aside, how many opportunities does an addict have like the one that is in front of me now? How many times can I run away from help and do what my bf thinks is best instead?
I am also unsure of what I will do at a SLH though. She said it's a place to find myself and get direction. Anyone with experience in sober living homes I'd love to hear your experience so I know what to expect. I do miss being around people but being with them 24/7 also scares me. What if they don't like me, etc.?
Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. You can be as harsh as you want. I realize I am a low bottom (if I have a bottom) addict. I feel like I'm living someone elses bad dream but it's just the life I have choosen and created for myself. I just turned 35 (July 5th). Surely I can turn this around?