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Sober Living Home Question - Long Post

Old 07-11-2011, 03:24 PM
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Sober Living Home Question - Long Post

Please share your thoughts as I am in a quandary and have trouble making good decisions for myself. I apologize for the length of this post but the details are important I think.

Background: Alcoholic/prescription drug addict. Knew things were going downhill faster then I could keep up when I started doing a lot of opiates and would be sick without them. Suicide attempt 2 years ago with car while on "stop signs" from the opiates. Lived through it - just banged myself up real good and received a DWI. Almost lost my foot. Was physically handicapped for at least 6 months after that. Went to live with alcoholic parent. Stayed a recluse and drank with her another year and a half. Went to jail a couple times. Went to psych ward a couple times. Had a spiritual awakening but sabotaged myself with things going so well too quickly. Got kicked out from Mom's house because of all the drinking and fighting and violence in Dec. 2010

Went to live at bf's Mom's house and went to see a judge to get unemployment benefits. Granted unemployment but had to wait until March before receiving money. Left bf's mom's house in Feb. b/c her old man was back from prison and there was no room. Stopped eating. Didn't think much about it but even the smell of food made me sick. Lived on broth. Went to flea bag hotel as a temp. place to stay until I received unemployment and could find other living arrangements. Stayed off alcohol but bf still dropped by with soma's and weed once a week. Landed in the Er after a week of throwing up water. Came close to death died from low potassium and dehydration. Doctors found that 3/4 of my stomach looked like raw hamburger meat and had bleeding ulcers. Started eating again with ulcer meds but lost feeling in my mouth, legs, arms and stomach. Developed painful neoropathy and couldn't stand up or walk without excruciating pain. Placed on antidepressants for mood and pain. Helped. Fell back into depression and played computer games all day at hotel. Starting becoming a recluse again. Drank here and there. Used a lot of DXM (cough syrup) for escape. Stopped seeing doctors. Would periodically drink and meet guys here and smoke pot and just party with them as an escape. Started the eerie suicide thoughts again.

Last week, was offered to smoke a bowl. Said sure thinking it was pot. It was meth and obviously I knew this after he brought the pipe out. This is a drug I have resisted in the past many times because it was such a huge problem for me to get off of in my early 20s. Smoked it anyway (devil-may-care)and was high as a kite for three days. Hated it. Did it again. Did it again. Scared now that I am doing a dangerous drug again with dangerous people. Went on Craigslist to seriously look for other housing options. Stumbled upon a sober living home in Petaluma. The woman picked me up and showed me around. I loved it. There were bunnies in the back and little dogs and cats all over the house. The place was clean, peaceful and bright. Problem: bf doesn't want me there because it's literally down the street from his house. All he could say was that he knew many of the sober living gals as he is a taxi driver and also sells his prescription drugs on the side to supplement his income. He is adamant that me being there would cause him immense stress and he deserves better then that for helping me all this time.

Bf is pushing for either sober living house in SR which I haven't seen yet or an apartment he will co-sign for.

The Petaluma opportunity seems like a no-brainer. At the same time cutting off my last and only friend isn't very appealing. The addict in me also likes the idea of getting an apartment and a dog again (my baby Sue in the avatar pic was stolen - another cost of my addiction) but my rational brain thinks it's time to stand up on my own and do what needs to be done. Hurt feelings aside, how many opportunities does an addict have like the one that is in front of me now? How many times can I run away from help and do what my bf thinks is best instead?

I am also unsure of what I will do at a SLH though. She said it's a place to find myself and get direction. Anyone with experience in sober living homes I'd love to hear your experience so I know what to expect. I do miss being around people but being with them 24/7 also scares me. What if they don't like me, etc.?

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. You can be as harsh as you want. I realize I am a low bottom (if I have a bottom) addict. I feel like I'm living someone elses bad dream but it's just the life I have choosen and created for myself. I just turned 35 (July 5th). Surely I can turn this around?
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Old 07-11-2011, 03:48 PM
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It sounds like a no brainer to me too BL.

I think your bf will either get over it or he won't - frankly I think either way you'll be better off.

You really need to focus on you now.

I have no SLH experience but it's got to be better than the last couple of years K.

I really believe that people can turn things around - I'm one of them, after all
You can do this

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Old 07-11-2011, 04:30 PM
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I agree, it sounds like a good opportunity to help yourself get better.

You need to put your needs ahead of your boyfriend's, at the moment and do what you need to do.
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Old 07-11-2011, 06:26 PM
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Boston, You've been through so much hell, you need to do what feels right to you. You were taken with that house & it sounds very appealing. Your bf should be supporting what is most important for you, not discouraging you because of his own selfish reasons. If he cares about your well being, he'll get over the problems it might cause him.

You can still have your apartment and a dog again down the road. I know you feel worn out, but you're still young & can turn this all around. Please let us know how it's going.
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Old 07-12-2011, 03:32 AM
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Do you have any feeling about what is right? if so why not do that?
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Old 07-12-2011, 04:14 AM
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You've been through hell.

Can't offer you any advice but I really hope you are able to put your own wellbeing and safety before anything else, whatever that entails.

Good luck to you - reading & posting here is a really good thing to do.

Max
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Old 07-12-2011, 01:17 PM
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A few of my recovery friends have either lived or are living in a sober facility. They love it. They feel safe, they appreciate the accountability it requires and they have a counselor there 24/7 to talk to if they need a steady hand.

I guess I really don't understand what your boyfriend is upset about? Are you saying he sells drugs to the women in the sober house and that your being there will interfere with that? It all sounds confusing, and selfish, to me.

Regardless of whether you go to sober living or find a place of your own, please focus on yourself. You can get a dog a year down the road when you've got some sobriety on your side and some money in your pockets.
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Old 07-21-2011, 11:55 PM
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I just wanted to thank you all for your replies and just reading such a long post. I am on the way soon to either the SLH or rehab. I just need to be somewhere safe for awhile where temptation doesn't come my way. I'm not on the corner looking to score or struggling with nightly or weekly drinking but can't seem to resist when it comes my way and doing meth again really scared me. It's not a casual drug. I lived through that nightmare before and got through the opiate nightmare. Now I just need some good brainwashing so I am prepared and can say NO when this stuff comes up because it'll always be around. I know I can do this and my bf is now backing me 100%. I feel very positive about the future after talking with more people and preparing myself for major change. I hope to be back on here soon and supporting others as I have been supported. Thank you again!!
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Old 07-22-2011, 12:02 AM
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I wish you well with whatever you decide BL

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Old 07-22-2011, 04:21 AM
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I think you have already made your decision. I am glad your BF is going to support you. The main thing is to go somewhere where you can be safe and get sober.Keep us posted.
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Old 07-22-2011, 07:53 AM
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I lived in an Oxford House (Self Run, Self Supported, Addiction Recovery House) for 2 years and it was one of the absolute best things I did for my recovery.

It's probably a little different than your typical Sober Living House but if you have any questions send me a PM.

You can read about Oxford House here.

Good luck to you!!
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Old 07-22-2011, 10:53 AM
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Glad to hear this, boston - please keep in touch & let us know how you're doing.
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