Originally Posted by
fedup3 
I use to think the alcohol was what made my AH totally selfish and then I read letters he wrote to me while he was in the army the other day (I kept them for 40 yrs.!) we were engaged at the time and I never read anything like it, I was in shock on what an jerk he was and Narcissistic. I was so young my mind must have been in some cloud. It's who they are not what they drink.
I agree!
CC,
I also used to think that if or when the alcohol was removed (like taking off a raincoat?), he would become mature, considerate and responsible. Hey, that's what he told me- "I only did that when I was drinking" "Well, I was drinking so that's why I ___". (ie "I'm not accountable for that.") (Little joke- if he kept drinking ipecac and puking on me, I would expect him to stop drinking ipecac. But I digress.)
My XABF is a jerk sober or drunk. I think my belief that "it was the booze"
and not him was a huge factor in my staying with him waaaay too long. I was trying to be compassionate and helpful. But now I'm pretty disgusted that he used his disease that way, as his excuse for conduct that was immoral, cruel, even criminal- and that he used it to tkae advantage of my kindness and soak me just a little longer. I'm sure that there are loads of active alcoholics whose overall moral code is such that they wouldn't dream of doing certain things my XABF did, drunk or sober.
No, sometimes it's not the disease, it is the person. That's hard to parse out and frankly I think it's shameful how some of the nastier people who are A's misuse the "it's the disease not the person" as a bye or out for anything they do. (His employers, the police, and his neighbors didn't let him off the hook on that theory. But I did.) Pfft.
Your X is a jerk. You aren't.
Like Latte said, "Consider the source." The source is a jerk.