I need help with the guilt, too

Old 07-11-2011, 11:43 AM
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I need help with the guilt, too

After my ABF broke up with me this past weekend, I am struggling with the guilt from some of the things he said. He told me I was stressing him out in his recovery and that's why he broke it off with me. Now I'm wondering if I was in the wrong. Over the past week, I tried to bring up a few issues with in our relationship, like:

1. It hurt my feelings that he spent the money he had to take me out to dinner for my birthday on a cash gift for his brother's wedding instead. (He had $200 cash, gave it all to his brother as a cash gift, in addition to buying him a nice gas grill). So he didn't take me out for my birthday. I'm not saying I wanted a $200 dinner--we could've just gone out for Mexican food for $30, that would have been fun to me.
2. I had also asked him to come up with a plan to repay me (slowly, in installments, if necessary) the money I'd loaned him for his bills and for a third gift for his brother's wedding (I custom framed a piece of artwork for the gift and paid for the materials myself in addition to doing the framing).
3. He created conflict between me and his family and I was therefore disinvited from the wedding and not allowed to attend. Yes, the wedding for which I paid in part for the gifts. He went without me. I asked him this week, now that the wedding is passed, to try to make peace between me and his family so we can all get along and not have stress between us. He refused to talk about.

I know people don't need excess stress in recovery, but was I being excessive? When you're in a relationship with someone in recovery, are you supposed to have no needs and never bring up anything about your own needs?
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Old 07-11-2011, 11:53 AM
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You made the right decision in ending the relationship. This isn't the right person for you and that's the important thing. It's time to take the focus off him and start building a good life for yourself with someone who is more respectful and responsible.
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:11 PM
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Your side of the street is clear, his is not. Please try and stop second guessing your every move, this is counter productive.

He is not the right person for you, he has way too many unresolved issues, and will do nothing but drag you down.

As for the money, I don't think you have a polars chance in h#ll to collect any of it. I'd just write it off as a bad investment.

Again, he did you a favor, all he would have done is cost you more money and more emotional distress.

Guilt is self imposed emotion, and, does nothing but keep us stuck.

You are trying to over analyze everything, there are no answers when you are dealing with an addict.

I know that you hurting, and I am sorry, however, this guy does not deserve one more minute of your time.
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:18 PM
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After his latest "relapse" I was being distant the next day. He asked me what was wrong. I said, "If you can't remember then it isn't even worth the energy for me to talk about." He asked if I was mad because he was drinking. I told him that it upset me and that because he kept waking me up all night (trying to drunk talk to me, playing music, etc.) I had to work a 13 hour shift at work on 2 hours of sleep and I was tired and emotionally drained. He actually said to me, "Well what about me?? How do you think I feel?"...

Seriously??! I guess it really is all about them. Thats the moment I decided it's going to be all about me! I'm attending my first al-anon meeting tonight and I set some firm boundaries that he agreed to. I made sure I explained the consequences of violating those boundaries are not punishment, but of my need to survive.

Bottom line...to them, it is all about them. They can't help it.
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:30 PM
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I hear ya. It is all about him. I realize my feelings were about as important to him as the feelings of a sofa. I guess I was hoping that, since he was in recovery, the incredibly selfish behavior and thoughtless treatment he put me through would change. Instead, the blame and selfishness just kept right on going. I'm going to CODA tonight. I hope it helps.
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:31 PM
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Hi dollydo, thanks for the kind words. But what does it mean about our sides of the street? I don't know the lingo yet.
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:42 PM
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I use to think the alcohol was what made my AH totally selfish and then I read letters he wrote to me while he was in the army the other day (I kept them for 40 yrs.!) we were engaged at the time and I never read anything like it, I was in shock on what an jerk he was and Narcissistic. I was so young my mind must have been in some cloud. It's who they are not what they drink.
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:57 PM
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The higher my expectations, the lower my serenity.
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Old 07-11-2011, 01:11 PM
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Freedom1990 -

Thank You For The Slap In The Face!!!

I needed to hear those exact words today!!!

You could have not wrote it any better!!!

That statement is SO true!!!

It helped my head from spinning around so fast!!!
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Old 07-11-2011, 01:19 PM
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My Mom told me something years ago. She is such a wise woman.

Consider the source.

I know words hurt, especially when you care for the person who says them.

I consider the source though. When my younger daughter broke her arm, she screamed at me and said some poopy stuff. She was in pain. It did hurt, but I remembered, she's in pain. Your ABF is in emotional pain so he is lashing out.
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Old 07-11-2011, 01:41 PM
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Your side of the street is clear, you have asked for or done anything to feel guilty about.

His side of the street is riddled with pot holes. Keep in mind that addicts are master manipulators, after awhile you will believe that you in fact are the problem, although you are not.

Many addicts are very good at reading woman who are lonely, bored or vunerable. Me, I believe I was bored, man did that change after I met him...I was never bored again, I was on a super duper fast rollercoaster ride that I couldn't wait to get off of. It was one crazy way to live. I am so happy that part of my life is over.

Enjoy your meeting, I know that it will help!
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Old 07-11-2011, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by fedup3 View Post
I use to think the alcohol was what made my AH totally selfish and then I read letters he wrote to me while he was in the army the other day (I kept them for 40 yrs.!) we were engaged at the time and I never read anything like it, I was in shock on what an jerk he was and Narcissistic. I was so young my mind must have been in some cloud. It's who they are not what they drink.
I agree!

CC,
I also used to think that if or when the alcohol was removed (like taking off a raincoat?), he would become mature, considerate and responsible. Hey, that's what he told me- "I only did that when I was drinking" "Well, I was drinking so that's why I ___". (ie "I'm not accountable for that.") (Little joke- if he kept drinking ipecac and puking on me, I would expect him to stop drinking ipecac. But I digress.)

My XABF is a jerk sober or drunk. I think my belief that "it was the booze" and not him was a huge factor in my staying with him waaaay too long. I was trying to be compassionate and helpful. But now I'm pretty disgusted that he used his disease that way, as his excuse for conduct that was immoral, cruel, even criminal- and that he used it to tkae advantage of my kindness and soak me just a little longer. I'm sure that there are loads of active alcoholics whose overall moral code is such that they wouldn't dream of doing certain things my XABF did, drunk or sober.

No, sometimes it's not the disease, it is the person. That's hard to parse out and frankly I think it's shameful how some of the nastier people who are A's misuse the "it's the disease not the person" as a bye or out for anything they do. (His employers, the police, and his neighbors didn't let him off the hook on that theory. But I did.) Pfft.

Your X is a jerk. You aren't.

Like Latte said, "Consider the source." The source is a jerk.
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Old 07-11-2011, 02:21 PM
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No you were not being excessive. Please do not feel guilty!

Good for you for sharing your feelings and stating your needs. That's what happens in a healthy relationship. You are hurting, but you should be very proud that you took steps to take care of yourself and your feelings. I guess I am just gushing so much because I have so much trouble doing it
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Old 07-11-2011, 03:32 PM
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"Keeping your side of the street clean" means being responsible for what YOU are responsible for. You can't control what he does, only what you do. If you do the right thing, you don't have to worry about other people doing the right thing. That's THEIR side of the street, and they are the ones responsible for maintaining it.

Get it?
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Old 07-12-2011, 05:40 AM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
Freedom1990 -

Thank You For The Slap In The Face!!!

I needed to hear those exact words today!!!

You could have not wrote it any better!!!

That statement is SO true!!!

It helped my head from spinning around so fast!!!
Glad it helped! When it comes to my AD, I expect nothing. That includes honesty and responsibility.

It used to drive me nuts the way that she was.

Once I reached a place of acceptance, and took steps to protect myself from her (extremely limited contact), I had peace of mind.
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Old 07-15-2011, 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Your side of the street is clear, you have asked for or done anything to feel guilty about.

His side of the street is riddled with pot holes. Keep in mind that addicts are master manipulators, after awhile you will believe that you in fact are the problem, although you are not.

Many addicts are very good at reading woman who are lonely, bored or vunerable. Me, I believe I was bored, man did that change after I met him...I was never bored again, I was on a super duper fast rollercoaster ride that I couldn't wait to get off of. It was one crazy way to live. I am so happy that part of my life is over.

Master liars too. Sometimes I wondered deep down if it WAS my fault? Lol Was I going crazy? No. But he sure made me feel that way sometimes.
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