Phrasing New Boundaries
Hi.
First post.
History: Left AH two years ago. I made a motion to move out of state with our daughter. He admitted all the issues of abandonment and rage in court but because he had been sober by the time it got to court for a few months, the judge denied my motion. I haven't been really good about boundaries and still had a friendly relationship with him, had him do some small favors for us (moving heavy objects, giving us rides to the airport, etc).
In April I suspected that he had resumed drinking so I hired a PI. I have confirmation, but no evidence or indication he is drinking around our daughter.
I started a log on our communication and realized that his communication is mainly with me, not her- and I have been enabling his drinking again.
He is an *extremely* high functioning white collar alcoholic/binge drinker with intermittent rage issues. He has more than enough means to hire the best lawyers, so in order to involve the 'authorities' I need hard evidence IF he is drinking around her. It is possible at this point that he isn't.
I did go to a lawyer, and was told that I don't have enough evidence to do anything at this time and that I need to walk a fine line of letting her have her relationship with her father but keeping her safe. To monitor the situation closely but not enable or manipulate it. Is actually pretty hard to do.
My fear is if I break communication it will be hard to monitor his drinking around her. He does not know I know about it and I'd like to keep it that way because it will only make it easier for him to hide it-- I'm not sure how long it has been going on and he is starting to get 'sloppy' because he thinks I'm clueless and this is the only way I've got the evidence I do have (that and almost 2k to the PI to get very limited evidence). But on the other hand the feeling of relief is profound- I realize now how much control he has had over me.
Time for some boundaries.
Boundary one: She stopped sleeping over around November of last year. She visits and then ends up back home (he lives 4 miles away). So, the new rule is that if she comes home, she stays home for the remainder of the visitation period until next time. (this is the first week and she has stayed two nights so far). I thought this was a good way to make him stay sober but give him an 'out' if he feels he just cannot stay sober with her and will keep her safe? Is there a better way to do this?
Boundary two: I haven't been responding to his texts that I know are him trying to "lure me in' into drama, etc.
Boundary three and four: I need help with... I only want our conversations to be about her (pick up/drop off) - no more chitchat. Also, we have always done her party together (I arrange, he pays) but I don't want to do that this year. How do I phrase these two boundaries without getting into too much detail, reduce the flack I'm going to get, and make them easy to enforce?