Phrasing New Boundaries

Old 07-10-2011, 09:07 AM
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Question Phrasing New Boundaries

Hi.

First post.

History: Left AH two years ago. I made a motion to move out of state with our daughter. He admitted all the issues of abandonment and rage in court but because he had been sober by the time it got to court for a few months, the judge denied my motion. I haven't been really good about boundaries and still had a friendly relationship with him, had him do some small favors for us (moving heavy objects, giving us rides to the airport, etc).

In April I suspected that he had resumed drinking so I hired a PI. I have confirmation, but no evidence or indication he is drinking around our daughter.

I started a log on our communication and realized that his communication is mainly with me, not her- and I have been enabling his drinking again.
He is an *extremely* high functioning white collar alcoholic/binge drinker with intermittent rage issues. He has more than enough means to hire the best lawyers, so in order to involve the 'authorities' I need hard evidence IF he is drinking around her. It is possible at this point that he isn't.

I did go to a lawyer, and was told that I don't have enough evidence to do anything at this time and that I need to walk a fine line of letting her have her relationship with her father but keeping her safe. To monitor the situation closely but not enable or manipulate it. Is actually pretty hard to do.

My fear is if I break communication it will be hard to monitor his drinking around her. He does not know I know about it and I'd like to keep it that way because it will only make it easier for him to hide it-- I'm not sure how long it has been going on and he is starting to get 'sloppy' because he thinks I'm clueless and this is the only way I've got the evidence I do have (that and almost 2k to the PI to get very limited evidence). But on the other hand the feeling of relief is profound- I realize now how much control he has had over me.

Time for some boundaries.

Boundary one: She stopped sleeping over around November of last year. She visits and then ends up back home (he lives 4 miles away). So, the new rule is that if she comes home, she stays home for the remainder of the visitation period until next time. (this is the first week and she has stayed two nights so far). I thought this was a good way to make him stay sober but give him an 'out' if he feels he just cannot stay sober with her and will keep her safe? Is there a better way to do this?

Boundary two: I haven't been responding to his texts that I know are him trying to "lure me in' into drama, etc.

Boundary three and four: I need help with... I only want our conversations to be about her (pick up/drop off) - no more chitchat. Also, we have always done her party together (I arrange, he pays) but I don't want to do that this year. How do I phrase these two boundaries without getting into too much detail, reduce the flack I'm going to get, and make them easy to enforce?
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Old 07-10-2011, 09:36 AM
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How old is your daughter? Is she old enough to recognize if dad isn't "right" and come home?

How is your communication with him "enabling" his drinking? If you are able to communicate civilly, I think I'd be inclined to keep doing it. You can minimize chitchat just by being very busy.

As far as the party goes, I'd just say you prefer to do something with her on your own ("girl stuff") and let him make whatever plans he wants to make. It doesn't have to be a big to-do, just mention it casually.

It kinda sounds to me like you are over-complicating it.
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Old 07-10-2011, 10:55 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I also have a few questions, based on your initial post.

Are you divorced or seperated?

What is your motivation for maintaining day-to-day banter with him?

As far as creating a boundary over participation of parties for your daughter, what are your motivations? Are you trying to exclude him to create hurt? Are you trying to exercise independence?
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Old 07-10-2011, 11:24 AM
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She is going to be 6.

I'm enabling him by letting him drop her off at night during his visitation period, and stopping what I'm doing to go pick her up whenever he requests it. Once I was 4 hours away at the zoo and I left immediately to go pick her up because he was screaming at me to do so and then after we left the PI got him leaving his house and going to pick up beer.

So, this 'casual' stuff works well, then? He has a way of turning anything I say around and using it against me.
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Old 07-10-2011, 11:51 AM
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Well, if he's calling you because he's desperate to drink, then I would think that you would rather have him call you than not. You obviously don't want him drinking around your daughter. In this instance I would say protecting your daughter trumps any concerns about your enabling his drinking. If his failure to abide by the visitation schedule is creating problems, then you probably need a different schedule. If you can't work it out between the two of you, you may have to go back into court and have the judge decide.

I think I'd keep up communication for now, if only to monitor what is going on with him.
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Old 07-10-2011, 11:59 AM
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Hi. Thanks for your reply

Well, we were never legally married- but have gone through court in regards to visitation/custody agreements.

Good question on the motivation. At first I didn't really think anything about it. I thought it was good to stay on friendly terms- it just made things easier. And as long as he was sober, I really didn't have any problems. I can kind off guess as to when he resumed drinking by looking back at when some of his old behaviors started up again- of course I didn't realize it at the time. I just thought he was acting like a Donkey. In the past few months the behavior has escalated and I found myself feeling 'sucked in' to drama, conflicts, and manipulations. I'm getting more aware of it now- although I confess to not always handling it right. Like when he insinuated I was going out of town for 'adult relations' and then screamed at me when I wouldn't come home two hours earlier than I had planned.

As far as the party goes... I think he is using it as a way to re-engage me because I have been keeping our chitchat to a minimum- only talking about her and then having to hang up for whatever reason otherwise. I'm finding that the less I deal with him the more relief I feel. For instance- he gave us a ride to the airport and during the short ride managed to belittle me in front of the kiddo. We took a taxi back and I realized how much less stressful (although expensive) that was. One year at her party I ordered a beautiful princess cake and he yelled at me in front of everyone because how could I be so stupid as to forget the candles?? what kind of idiot does that?? (he was actively drinking then too). I don't think he would sneak a drink at her party- but he might be on a dry drunk and social gatherings have always been a trigger for him. I just don't want to deal with it.

I was thinking of telling him that I'm sure whatever party he plans for her would be fine and that I'm sorry he was under the impression we were doing a group thing this year but I had planned on doing something on my own with her... is that enough do you think?
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Old 07-10-2011, 12:16 PM
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Sounds fine to me. Just low-key and not a big deal. Just tell him you've made your own plans and you're sure he will have fun with her on his own.

You can minimize the interactions by not relying on him for things like rides, and by not accommodating his own requests for favors. "Sorry, I can't," is fine. You don't have to explain ANYTHING. The exceptions, as I said, might be when it serves your own interest in ensuring your daughter is safe.
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Old 07-10-2011, 12:18 PM
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I do see your point... and of course I want her safe-

I called often while she was there to listen to see if he was slurring or she was in distress. She was fine (and funny) and he just sounded annoyed. I'm thinking that getting her equals staying sober then he will just find a reason to end the visit. She is allowed to come home- just not go back and forth. I do make plans (to work, do chores outside the home, etc) and I really wasn't allowed to get anything done because I had to constantly replan my weekend. Now if she comes home I just replan once to include her and move the other stuff to when I have childcare during the week (or hire a sitter).

The conversations are a fine line... enough to keep him revealing, but not enough feel like he is invading my personal space. It is pretty tricky.

As far as the court goes... there is a two year waiting period to be heard for any non-emergent changes. Besides, visitation is a guideline that says when he is allowed- he can pick zero visitation and that he isn't in violation of any orders.
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Old 07-10-2011, 02:27 PM
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If he wants to skip visitation, let him.

I like your plan for his last minute changes during visits. No back and forth. She stays or she stays away.

It has been my experience that sometimes the child is used as a means to maintain a relationship between ex partners. Like my ex wanting to make plans that included me, so he could visit with me while visiting our daughter.
This includes my trying to force my ex to be an active parent by reminding him of special dates and events. I need to remember he is an ex partner and allow him to keep his own system of reminders.
I also had to learn not to engage in social banter with my ex. We were life partners and shared everything. Learning to find other outlets for venting and sharing about my day was a learning process.

In the end, my ex has very little to do with our daughter. It is an adjustment. I make sure she understands that she is not the reason for silence from dad. She is loved and appreciated. Our home is filled with love. I don't miss feeling responsible for making another adult behave like a parent.
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Old 07-10-2011, 04:56 PM
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Thank you.

It sure is a learning process- They called a little while ago saying that 'she' had enough of being at Dad's. I told them I was not available for a few hours- He texted back trying to engage me . I know that not being immediately available is okay and expecting me to be available at a moment's notice 20 hours before the end of the visitation is probably NOT ok- it is still hard to stick to my guns. For some strange reason.
Thank you for your example- it gives me hope.
I have an appointment for her to see a therapist (me too) to teach her healthy ways to deal with having an alcoholic play such a large role in her life (especially things I don't do very well). My mother was an addict and some things seem normal for me- and really they are not.
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