I also married a man that I had reservations about. We had been living together and I wanted children so we got married. I thought it wouldn't matter, I thought I could live with it, I thought I could just walk away if it got bad enough, I thought I could work around it, I thought he'd change.
It did matter. Once we were legally bound it mattered financially. It has been a huge financial loss for me. Not only in the security and things that I did not accrue during my late 20's and 30's, like most families, but when I divorced, at 40yo, I started out at zero. I actually felt lucky with zero because many are in debt.
I can't even describe how things mattered more once I had kids. All kinds of things I thought didn't matter suddenly did. A lot. I would never wish away my children but, like mentioned already, if there was one thing I could go back and do over - I would not have gotten married. I thought getting married was the right thing to do to have kids. I missed the only really important decision - and that is picking the right man to be their father. My xah isn't mean or abusive. That is a different thing from alcoholism but a man that is an alcoholic that is sort of not there, sort of tired, sort of lazy, sort of half asleep, sort of broke, sort of desperate, sort of depressed and self consumed, sort of negligent is still a not there, tired, lazy, half asleep, broke, desperate, depressed, self consumed, negligent father. Those traits don't make for a very good husband either. Yet, I found walking way the single hardest thing I have ever ever done.
Being married to an alcoholic is a slippery slope. 10yrs later I was so lost. I gave up one small tiny value at a time, one small tiny unacceptable thing became acceptable at a time. This was only a shade worse then that and if I accepted that, why wouldn't I accept this? I had give up so much, I was accepting incredibly unacceptable things and it all slipped away like sand in your hand - one grain at a time and without even feeling it, your hand is empty. I would have never dreamed I'd be 'that woman'. I swore I'd never be in that spot and didn't understand how it happened. I do now. It happens one grain of sand at a time.
I once described being married to an alcoholic running in quick sand. You run and you run and
you run and you don't get further away from the bad, or closer to the good. You sink down until you can no longer breath or think straight. You are so exhausted from trying to survive, and so panicky trying not to go crazy, that you live in only those two places. The only thing bigger is the ocean of resentment and anger.
I wish I could convince you that safe, loving, respectful, secure, confident, joyful relationships do exist. I don't have it but I believe it now (not sure I did then) and I will accept nothing less. You are beautiful and worthy of having one - but you have to go after it. You can never get that relationship if you latch on to one that isn't.
I didn't respond initially because your post left me feeling so sad and helpless. I'm not sure there is anything that can be said to really get our message across. These are our stories, not yours. Please, listen to
your voice
inside you that prompted you to post. That voice has your best interests at heart. It is sometimes hard and painful to make the decision that is in our own best interest, but we must because no one else will or even can.
PS: Words are like fairy dust. They do nothing but feed the hopeful fantasy and wishful thinking in our head. Watch the actions. The actions tell you who a person is. Believe them.
