salamand

Does anyone have any advice or similar experiences? I am getting married in less than two months; we've been together a year but have known eachother off an on most of our lives. When we first started dating I noticed he drank a lot but didn't think too much of it since he was going through some personal problems at the time and I've never had experience with alcoholism before. Only after we'd been together for four or five months, and it seemed like was still having at least a couple of drinks almost daily, sometimes for days on end and blacking out, did I really start to pay attention, especially since he would also drive while very intoxicated. Talking to him about it finally seemed to help and even though he still drank ocassionally, it was much less and maybe only once every week or two. At the same time, when he does drink, while in the beginning he would be very loving for the most part, now he is almost always mean, insulting, and sometimes violent, never violent towards me but has destroyed things in the house. The last time he went out drinking all night and did not even come home, but called and texted me all night about how it was my fault and how angry he was at me and how everyone in his life had let him down and that was my fault too for not understanding, in between him saying that he loved me one minute and insults the next. When he came home he didn't remember anything he'd said or done most of the night. He still seems to think it's my fault and wants me to just let go all the personal attacks and doubts he's put out there.

I'd like to talk to his family, as I think that is where he usually goes to drink and they allow him to, no questions asked, but I don't want him to feel like I'm trashing him to his family or to give him more reasons to accuse me of causing problems. I've tried every way of talking to him that I can think of and he just brushes it off. If I try to confront him directly he walks away and won't speak to me. I'm not sure how much he's actually drinking since I'm away for days at a time sometimes for work, but I am getting the picture now that anytime I start a conversation with him on any subject he doesn't like, he will take off and use it as an excuse to get drunk, and it will end up being my fault. What should I do? Am I overreacting? I am willing to walk away if that's what it would take to get him to stop taking chances on killing himself, but of course I love him very much and don't want to lose him. Any perspective would be so much appreciated.

Shellcrusher

Just some concepts that help me.

3cs
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.

suki44883

Someone posted about this a few weeks back. Take a look at the responses she got...the same would be given to you.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nker-help.html

transformyself

Thanks Suki.

Welcome Salamond. I hope you really take to heart what you hear here. We know what you're going through.

Have you gone to Al-anon? Better yet, are you in personal therapy? I would start there immediately. Find a substance abuse councilor and just schedule one session.

And of course you're scared. Look at this!
The part that I relate to the most is you saying, Of course I love him very much.

He is so not respecting your feelings. It has taken me years to get to the point that I dont' allow people in my life that disrespect me. My idea of love, which I learned from my abusive, alcoholic family, was exactly waht you described: shaming, blaming, ignoring and all of it makes me doubt myself. It is hard hard work to have enough self esteem to stand up and say, "Hey I'm talking to you and if you dont' want to hear it we don't need to have this relationship."

The worst part, I'm sorry to say, is that any encounter with a practiciing alcoholic, is crazy making stuff. There is no reasoning, no sanity. Until I found this program, it made me feel more alone, horribly sad and like there was something wrong with me.

There was. I didn't know how to respect myself, so others didn't respect me either.

I would NOT in any way, talk to his family. Only an addiction specialist. This is a family disease and it wil majorly backfire.
Good luck!

fedup3

Hello Salamand. Everything you wrote made me have flashbacks of the early years married to my husband. Criticism is not tolerated with my AH and it sounds the same with your SO. My AH would throw things around, break things but as time goes on they decide that grabbing you, pushing you is ok. Read as much on this site as you can you may save yourself from a lifetime of misery.

m1k3

My advice is run away now and never look back. No matter how bad things are now they will get worse. Much worse than you can even imagine.

I agree with Suki, read that thread, the whole thread. There is some eye opening material in there.

However you have your own path to walk. If you choose to get married I foresee you being a regular poster here sometime in the future telling someone like yourself now "run away".


Take want you want and leave the rest.

BobbyJ

YICKS...If I knew then, what I know now...
I would have ran like the gingerbread man

In a mother tone (I hope your using double birth control)...lol

Im not good at sugar coating much, but look around on this site
There is many of us, who can say, we have lived thru hell with
being married to alcoholics...

Your the only one who can decide how you want your life
to be...Follow your brain, your thoughts, not your feelings (feelings have a tendancys
to get screwed up ....when we think we are in love)

I wish you the best of luck, You sound smart & well grounded, Im sure you will
make the right decision...

Freedom1990

You have every right to be scared.

If you think it's bad now, it will get worse. Marriage won't solve that.

I 'thought' by marrying my now EXAH that he would straighten up and things would get better.

I was wrong, and I lived in hell for 5 years.

He started beating me on a daily basis, except when he was gone on one of his drug runs.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease; it only gets worse.

You deserve so much better than this.

Please rethink the marriage for now.

I'm scared for you too.

MyBetterWorld

run away.

fedup3

I'll add a another word, NOW[/SIZE]

Just4me

Hi Salamand,

I'm a lot like you and I'm in a similar situation, only without a deadline. I've been engaged to my alcoholic for 2 years now, we've been dating 3. Like you, early in the relationship I saw red flags, but I either ignored them or rationalized them. Early on in our relationship he drank a few drinks a day. A year and a half later I was crying, begging him to get some help because things had gone from a few glasses of wine to a bottle of hard liquor a day. He went to rehab for 60 days. He stayed sober for 9mo. Now, the last 9mo of our relationship have been a roller coaster ride of black-out drunk and sober, never spending more than a week or two sober.

I should have listened to that voice in my head, but my heart didn't want to believe that he could be an alcoholic. That voice still yells at me to run, yet my body wont listen. I keep telling myself, "one more chance" or "this time he's really going to stay sober". It's not working. This voice is the reason we haven't set a wedding date and he and I both know this. I just hope and pray that when I've had enough, I will still have the strength to leave.

I've read some other posts, including that link that Suki posted, and they all offered great advice. As much as I'd like to say run, I know that you may not be ready for that (I'm not even ready for that). I guess, if you can, slow things down, take time, protect yourself. I'm not planning any wedding until he can remain sober and I can learn to deal with these feelings I have. We keep our money separate (so he can't spend my hard earned money on alcohol or stupid stuff he thinks he needs while drunk). When he's drinking I don't engage in converstaions with him. I'm finally starting to set some boundaries (not as punishment to him) but to protect myself and my aching heart. Financially I'm in a place where I can leave. Emotionally I'm not there yet. And for me, thats okay.

From what I read, it sounds like you know what path you are on and you've already seen how the disease can progress, even in the 1+ year you've been dating. It gets worse,, and if it does get better it will get worse first. The hardest part for me is telling myself it's not my fault and I can't control him. If HE wants to get better he will. There is nothing I can do or say that will keep him sober. Likewise, there is nothing I can do or say that will trigger him to drink (he may use it as an excuse, but it's still his choice).

He's sober 9 days now. Everyday I wake up and ask myself, "can I deal with all of this again today?". As long as the answer is yes, I stay. As long as I think there is hope, I stay. This doesn't mean I'm not prepared for the worse case senario...I'm just cautiously optomistic. When I've had enough I will know and then I will be able to leave. Until then, I prepare, gather strength from others going through what I am, and collect courage from those who were able to break free.

I hope that my experience has helped you with yours. I know it helps me reading about others who are in similar situations as myself. You're not alone.

transformyself

I am so glad Just4me posted! Thank you!

salamand

Wow, thank you all. I've read through about half the posts on the other suggested link so far...Was hoping for a solution but sort of knew there wasn't. I can relate to everything on here... This is so sad. We have spent thousands of dollars on the wedding and honeymoon already, not to mention how happy parents and friends are for us... I don't want to let anyone down... And if I tell him I want to postpone it I don't know what his reaction would be. Maybe he sees it coming anyway because he's hinted that he expects me to do that and if I did it would be just like me... The guilt is insane. I love him so much but by getting married now it's like I'd be accepting things as they are and I don't want us to be getting married because of money or obligation either... Talking to his family would not be a good idea? I've never been to Al-anon but was thinking it might be worth trying. He's never been and I don't think he'd ever go. It is more like, "this is the way I am, if you don't like it you don't love me."
Thanks everyone, I'll be thinking about everything you've said.

LaTeeDa

Please believe him when he tells you this. He is who he is and what you have now is what you get. I get the impression you are marrying his potential. You just know what a great guy he could be and that's the guy you want to marry. He is not that guy. The person he is right now might very well be the best it ever gets. And it could get a lot worse.

I hope you will consider who he is right now before you tether yourself financially, legally, and emotionally to him.

L

TeM

If you were my daughter, I'd advise you to run away as fast as you can. As painful as it would be now, it will be even worse five years from now after you're married and possibly have children.

I know what it's like being in love...but people are generally on their best behavior during the dating and engagement period. If he's displaying this behavior now, imagine what it will be like after you've been married a few years. I think your instincts are telling you to be cautious, since you've come here for help.

salamand

"Please believe him when he tells you this. He is who he is and what you have now is what you get. I get the impression you are marrying his potential. You just know what a great guy he could be and that's the guy you want to marry."

And who he used to be. I've known him a long time though we were out of touch for awhile. Things are perfect between us most of the time...I really believe and everyone says we were made for each other. Even a few people who know about his drinking say it's a good match since I don't drink and can be the dd (That is just depressing.) I so much want to give him another chance, especially since it seemed to be getting better for the last five or six months. If he's really wanting this as much as I do, he'll understand why I'd want to postpone I hope.

BobbyJ

Thousand of dollars on wedding

or

$10,000 for one time in rehab
$10,000 for DUI
$10,000 for Divorce Lawyer
$10,000 for one year supply of whiskey
$10,000 for money stolen out of your purse or bank accounts

Let alone the question later down the road.., WELL, WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM, if you knew he drank like that???

BobbyJ

We all had great spouses at one time or another.

I married my best friend, my superman, my lover, my world, my everything

I divorced a drunk man

ALCOHOLISM is a deadly diesase to marriages!!!!!

I miss the man I married, I really do, but he got sucked under and hasnt
came back to shore yet...

suki44883

People change. When you add alcohol to the mix, they can change A LOT! He will probably never be that person you used to know. Just the things he says to you now shows that he has no intention of changing a thing about himself. The folks who say you were made for each other just don't get it. They think it's great that you can be the designated driver. Do they actually understand what they are saying?? No, they don't. Life with an alcoholic is torturous and full of misery. I pray that you don't tie yourself to him legally.

LaTeeDa

Who he used to be, who he might be in the future.........neither of those are real. Who he is right now is real. If you were certain that the man you are with right now is the only man he will ever be, is that who you want to marry? If you knew that the way he is right now is the best it will ever get, is that what you want for your life?

It is your LIFE we are talking about. Pretty important thing to gamble on someone possibly changing, don't you think?

L