Welcome to SR, Salamand. It has been so hard for me reading through your posts. I’ve read a bit, read the responses, gone back and read more of your post, read the responses, read more of your post… This thread is what I SHOULD have written about 10 years ago; I wish I’d had the clarity to find this board or something like it and lay everything out and ask questions during our engagement and not after nearly 10 years of marriage, because your post has a lot of the same red flags that I can see now when I look backwards.
Has he taken any responsibility after his angry outburst(s) for his behavior? Apologizing doesn’t necessarily count, nor do *promises* to not do it again. Saying “I’m sorry” is cheap and easy; it doesn’t cost anything, just like it doesn't cost an alcoholic anything to say "I can stop".
Some one who is truly remorseful for their actions does not expect the person they hurt to “just let it go.” Some one who is truly remorseful will understand that time will be needed to rebuild the trust they broke by hurting you (verbally, emotionally or physically). Some one who is truly remorseful will give you that time, even if they don’t understand why you need “so much” time.
I'm sorry for what you went through. Can't imagine 23 years of it.
I’m not sure how to say this but bluntly: I get the feeling you might have missed the point of EightBall’s post. (perhaps I’m mistaken, though) I don't think she was laying it all out there to show you how bad 23 years of her life were, but to show how it progressed from him being a guy who hurled occasional insults while drunk to being a controlling and abusive alcoholic.
He said if it would make me happy he would. Never said that before, so I'm taking it as a very good sign, but will wait for time to tell.
This is so… shaky. He’s putting all the onus of his success at recovery on you, not on himself. Nor does it sound like a promise to quit. It just sounds like an IF…THEN statement.
Keep on reading and posting. I hope you’re able to do the introspective work and find your answers before the wedding date. Because, IMO, no one should go into starting a marriage with a sense of obligation but with a feeling of joy and hope for what the future together holds.