Hi Salamand and welcome to SR,
I have had a quick read through everyone responses but I dont think anyone has touched on the bit of your post that stood out to me. It stood out to me because it is something that I am coming to terms with.
Originally Posted by
salamand 
now he is almost always mean, insulting, and sometimes violent, never violent towards me but has destroyed things in the house. The last time he went out drinking all night and did not even come home, but called and texted me all night about how it was my fault and how angry he was at me and how everyone in his life had let him down and that was my fault too for not understanding, in between him saying that he loved me one minute and insults the next. When he came home he didn't remember anything he'd said or done most of the night. He still seems to think it's my fault and wants me to just let go all the personal attacks and doubts he's put out there.
Your 'husband to be' is abusive
IMO (insulting and mean). At the moment it sounds like it is mostly verbal abuse, but he is showing signs of becoming a violent abuser too e.g. by destroying things in the house. I know we are on a sober recovery website for alcoholics but sometimes the two completely separate problems come hand in hand.
I have just left my AH of 23yrs because he was an alcoholic but also because he was verbally abusive too.
The verbal abuse started very early on in our relationship and marriage (we met at 15yrs old, married at 22yrs) and nearly always when he had been drinking. I listened to put downs, insults and to begin with I would argue back but then I 'learnt' not to respond to his negative comments towards me as he would eventually stop quicker if I didn't, whilst I cried myself to sleep. I also told myself that it was the beer talking and he didn't mean it.
My therapist explained to me that alcoholism and abuse are two completely separate issues. Not all alcoholics abuse and not all abusers are alcoholics. My therapist had worked in prisons, where many prisoners would 'blame' their crimes on drinking. She explained that a lot of people drink but dont rob banks or beat their wives. We all have core morals and values that make us the persons that we are. Our moral values are the standards of good and evil and governs our behavior and choices.
When my AH began to verbally abuse me, he didn't have his internal morals and values telling him that it is wrong to treat woman that way and to him it was acceptable or at least became acceptable. More alarmingly, it became acceptable to me too.
Even if my AH stopped drinking, he would still likely abuse me (maybe less as he wouldn't have the alcohol to loosen his lips) because his morals and values are obviously so poor in that area.
I am currently reading a book by Lundy Bancroft called 'Why Does He Do That?' it has a chapter in it about addiction and abuse that says it much better than me.
What I am trying to say is that you have two serious problems to face if you choose the journey of marriage with this man. It took me 18 months of therapy, Al-anon and SR to realise that I am important and deserve better.
At 45yrs old, I am living on my own for the first time in my life. I still love my AH (I feel let down by him), I still wish he would stop drinking, I wish he had chosen me and not alcohol, but I know that even if the alcohol wasn't a problem anymore then his morals, values and the abuse would be. It a double issue of which both need to be addressed and coming out of a 23yr marriage to an alcoholic, abusive and controlling man, I certainly wouldn't start from that point.
Save yourself a lot of heartache to come.